The sycophants are one of the largest of marine carnivores. Their soft, furry underbellies made them a favourite target for hunters. Now, on this island, the sycophants come to breed every summer, protected by law. But they’re not the only breed which has been saved by a small body of men determined to preserve the dying species of the world. [Shots of wooded mountain scenery.] Here, in his four thousand acre nature reserve in Southern Bavaria, Frank Tutankhamun has dedicated his life to preserving mice.
When the Piranhas left school they were called up, but were found by an Army board to be too unstable even for National Service.
Likewise if you were to ask us to slice the sides of a cow and serve it with small pieces of its liver … or indeed drain the life blood from a pig before cutting off one of its legs… or carve the living giblets from a sheep and serve them with the fresh brains, bowels, guts and spleen of a small rabbit… WE WOULDN’T DO IT.
Not for food anyway.
Bally Jerry, pranged his kite right in the how’s-your-father; hairy blighter, dicky-birded, feathered back on his sammy, took a waspy, flipped over on his Betty Harpers and caught his can in the Bertie.
‘AND NOW…’
The horse chestnut.
How much do you hate the Romans?
And to start tonight’s show, let’s see our first contestant, all the way from Manchester, on the big screen please: MRS. BETTY TEAL! [applause, which suddenly stops when the clap track tape breaks] 'Ello, Mrs. Teal, lovely to have you on the show. Now Mrs. Teal, if you’re looking in tonight, this is for 15 pounds: and is to stop us from revealing the name of your LOVER IN BOULTON!! So, Mrs. Teal, send us 15 pounds, by return of post please, and your husband Trevor and your lovely children Diane, Janice, and Juliet, need never know the name… of your LOVER IN BOULTON!
Oh I don’t like him. Do you know what I mean. Do you know what I mean. I mean do you know what I mean. Do you know what I mean. Do you know what I mean. I mean do you know what I mean. All men are the same.
A lot!
Bow!..Bow Wow Wow…Grrrrrr! Ipso Facto! Woof,woof,woof…Arggh!..Bow…Wow…Wow…Wow!..Sub Judice!..Grrrr!..Woof! Woof! Woof!Woof!
And I recommend that you serve every one of those fifteen years…Next! Woof!
You’re not furnished, you fascist.
Once, one Sunday, when my parents were coming 'round for tea I asked him if he’d mind very much not nailing my head to the floor that week, and he agreed and just screwed my pelvis to a cake stand.
Hello, and welcome to Munich, for the 27th Silly Olympiad, an event held traditionally every 3.7 years, which this year has brought together competitors from over 4 million different countries. And here we are at the start of the first event of the afternoon: the second semifinal of the 100 yards for people with no sense of direction. Aah, to see the competitors; Lane One: Kolomovski of Poland; Lane Two: Zatapatique of France; Lane Three: Gropovich of the United States, next to him: Drabble of Trinidad, next to him: Fernandez of Spain, and in the outside lane: Bormann of Brazil!
And number three. The other foot.
Those are the rules, that’s the game, we’re all out of time, 'til next time, bye bye!
I’ve been told Dinsdale Piranha nailed your head to the floor.
Well, what about those juniper bushes over there?
I’ve got ninety thousand pounds in my pajamas
I’ve got forty thousand French francs in my fridge
I’ve got lots of lovely lira
Now the deutschmark’s getting dearer,
And my dollar bill could buy the Brooklyn Bridge.
Number four. The bridge of the nose.
That rabbit’s dynamite!