Oh dear, that’ll be the Cheap-Laughs from next door.
Taking life as it comes, sharing the good things and the bad things, finding laughter and fun wherever they go - it is with these two happy-go-lucky rogues that our story begins.
This is not an interruption at all.
Good. Out of the door, line on the left, one cross each.
Mother, could I have a quick cup of tea - I have an important statement to make about Rhodesia in the Commons.
Regards,
Shodan
Velly solly for hold-up … no ploblem now … me are Bishop of East Anglia, now piesent plizes … Eyes down for first plize … The Fyffe-Chulmleigh Spoon for Latin Elegaics… 'goes to … People’s Republic of China! Aaaagh!
No, no, I am not the brain specialist. No, no, I am not! Yes. Yes, I am.
Well one day I was sitting at home threatening the kids, and I looked out of the hole in the wall and sees this tank drive up and one of Dinsdale’s boys gets out and he comes up, all nice and friendly like, and says Dinsdale wants to have a talk with me. So he chains me to the back of the tank and takes me for a scrape round to Dinsdale’s. And Dinsdale’s there in the conversation pit with Doug and Charles Paisley, the baby crusher, and a couple of film producers and a man they called ‘Kierkegaard’, who just sat there biting the heads of whippets and Dinsdale sayd ‘I hear you’ve been a naughty boy Clement’ and he splits me nostrils open and saws me leg off and pulls me liver out, and I said my name’s not Clement and then he loses his temper and nails my head to the floor.
No, no, no, my brain in my head.
Couldn’t we just steal the watch, Boss?
Hello formicidophiles! Before the blood and guts that you’re waiting to see, let’s have a look at the anatomy of the little ant.
Up on the table! Arms out, fingers together, knees bent, now, head well forward. Now, flap your arms. Go on, flap, faster… faster… faster… faster, faster, faster, faster - now jump! Rotten. Rotten. You’re no bloody use at all. You’re an utter bloody wash-out. You make me sick, you weed!
Shut up! This is a hold-up, not a botany lesson. Right, now my fine friends, no false moves please. I want you to hand over all the lupins you’ve got.
Er I, I’m afraid the minister’s fallen through the Earth’s crust.
Well, you’ll want the A39. Oh, no, you’ve got the wrong map there. This is Stalingrad. You want the Ilfracombe and Barnstaple section.
You want for them to pull up their skirts… and then lean over a chair with their legs apart.
Oh, good morning. Have you come to arrange a holiday or would you like a blowjob?
Oh, jolly good too. I say, those are sheep aren’t they?
For the water-skiing and for the travel, sir. And not for the killing, sir. I asked them to put it on my form, sir - no killing.
People do, now close your case move along please come on. Don’t waste our time, we’re out to catch the real smugglers. Come on.