At the age of fifteen, Doug and Dinsdale started attending the Ernest Pythagoras Primary School in Clerkenwell. When the Piranhas left school they were called up, but were found by an Army board to be too unstable even for National Service.
Dennis Moore, Dennis Moore
Galloping through the sward
Dennis Moore, Dennis Moore
And his horse Concorde
He steals from the rich
And gives to the poor
Mr. Moore, Mr. Moore, Mr. Moore
The Black Knight always triumphs! Have at you!!
Another man who had his head nailed to the floor was Stig O’ Tracy.
Brave, brave, brave, brave Sir Robin!
He was not in the least bit scared to be mashed into a pulp,
Or to have his eyes gouged out
And his elbows broken.
To have his kneecaps split
And his body burned away
And his limbs all hacked and mangled
Brave Sir Robin!
His head smashed in
And his heart cut out
And his liver removed
And his bowels unplugged
And his nostrils raped
And his bottom burned off
And his penis…
Ugh. Me heap dizzy.
My brain hurts!
Now you may think that this is very harsh behaviour, but let me tell you that our management consultants actually queried the necessity for us to employ a pantomime horse at all.
Now what happens?
Well now, Launcelot, Galahad, and I wait until nightfall and then leap out of the rabbit and take the French by surprise, not only by surprise but totally unarmed!
Who … Who breaks out?
Er … We … Launcelot, Galahad, and I … Er … leap out of the rabbit and …
Look, if we were to build a large wooden badger…
Yes, a hat. A lion taming hat. A hat with “Lion Tamer” on it. I got it at Harrods. And it lights up saying “Lion Tamer” in great big neon letters, so that you can tame them after dark when they’re less stroppy.
But there aren’t any lions in the Antarctic.
If it came from the zoo, it’d have “property of the zoo” stamped on it!
Well, it’s a difficult decision. But in accordance with our traditional principles of free enterprise and healthy competition I’m going to ask the two of you to fight to the death for it.
I’m not dead!
This is Mr Nesbitt of Harlow New Town.
Mr Nesbit would you stand up please.
Mr Nesbitt has learnt the value of not being seen. However he has chosen a very obvious piece of cover.
BOOM
Beethoven, Mozart, Chopin, Liszt, Brahms, panties… I’m sorry. Schumann, Schubert, Mendelssohn and Bach. Names that will live for ever. But there is one composer whose name is never included with the greats. Why is it that the world never remembered the name of Johann Gambolputty de von Ausfern-schplenden-schlitter-crasscrenbon-fried-digger-dingle-dangle-dongle-dungle-burstein-von-knacker-thrasher-apple-banger-horowitz-ticolensic-grander-knotty-spelltinkle-grandlich-grumblemeyer-spelterwasser-kurstlich-himbleeisen-bahnwagen-gutenabend-bitte-ein-nürnburger-bratwustle-gerspurten-mitz-weimache-luber-hundsfut-gumberaber-shönedanker-kalbsfleisch-mittler-aucher von Hautkopft of Ulm?
Wait, did you just say “Ethyl the Aardvark Goes Quantity Surveying?”
Rex Stardust, lead electric triangle with Toad the Wet Sprocket has had to have an elbow removed following their recent successful worldwide tour of Finland. Flamboyant ambidextrous Rex apparently fell off the back of a motorcycle. “Fell off the back of a motorcyclist, most likely,” quipped ace drummer Jumbo McCluney upon hearing of the accident. Plans are already afoot for a major tour of Iceland.
I promise I won’t try to kill you.
I don’t have any ice creams; I’ve just got this albatross. ALBATROSS!