I think I’m falling in love again.
I can’t tell the difference between Whizzo butter and this dead crab.
Basement: Dangerous gases, viruses, contagious diseases, restaurant and toilet fixings.
Ground floor: Menswear, boyswear, effeminate goods hall, ill health foods.
Mezzanine: Tableware, kitchen goods, soft furnishings, hard furnishings, rock-hard furnishings.
First floor: Complaints.
Second floor: Cosmetics, jewellery, electrical, satire.
Third floor: Nasal injuries hall, other things.
Fourth floor: Granite hall - rocks, shales, alluvial deposits, Felspar, Carpathians, Andes, Urals, mining requisites, atom-splitting service.
Fifth floor: Complaints.
Sixth floor: Complaints.
Seventh floor: Leather goods.
Eighth floor: Roof garden.
Ninth floor: Television aerials.
Tenth floor: Fresh air, clouds, occasional periods of sunshine.
It’s Christmas in Heaven. The snow falls from the sky, But it’s nice and warm, and everyone Looks smart and wears a tie.
We interrupt this program to annoy you and make things generally more irritating.
I’m much more interesting than a wet pussycat.
That’s you, m’lud, not you, m’lud.
Wi nøt trei a høliday in Sweden this yër ?
Yes, yes, as a matter of fact you can, actually I was interested in the possibility… of purchasing one of your… can I ask who you thought I was?
Who’d a’ thought 40 years ago we’ be sitting here drinking chateau du chasseur?
Aye.
Them’s days you’d be glad to have the prize of a cup o’tea.
Aye. A cuppa’ cold tea.
Not milk or sugar!
Or tea…
in a cracked cup and all.
We never had a cup. We used to drink out of a rolled up newspaper.
Best we could manage was to suck on a piece o’damp cloth.
But you know we were happy those days, but we were poor
Why is it that the world never remembered the name of Johann Gambolputty de von Ausfern-schplenden-schlitter-crasscrenbon-fried-digger-dingle-dangle-dongle-dungle-burstein-von-knacker-thrasher-apple-banger-horowitz-ticolensic-grander-knotty-spelltinkle-grandlich-grumblemeyer-spelterwasser-kurstlich-himbleeisen-bahnwagen-gutenabend-bitte-ein-nürnburger-bratwustle-gerspurten-mitzweimache-luber-hundsfut-gumberaber-shönendanker-kalbsfleisch-mittler-aucher von Hautkopft of Ulm?
Ni! …
Splunge!
Spam!
It’s…
…the Larch.
So, Mrs. Teal, send us £15 by return of post, please, and your husband Trevor, and your lovely children, Diane, Janice and Juliet, need never know the name of your lover in Bolton.
Penguins, yes, penguins. What relevance do penguins have to the furtherance of medical science? Well, strangely enough quite a lot, a major breakthrough, maybe. It was from such an unlikely beginning as an unwanted fungus accidentally growing on a sterile plate that Sir Alexander Fleming gave the world penicillin. James Watt watched an ordinary household kettle boiling and conceived the potentiality of steam power. Would Albert Einstein ever have hit upon the theory of relativity if he hadn’t been clever? All these tremendous leaps forward have been taken in the dark. Would Rutherford ever have split the atom if he hadn’t tried? Could Marconi have invented the radio if he hadn’t by pure chance spent years working at the problem? Are these amazing breakthroughs ever achieved except by years and years of unremitting study? Of course not. What I said earlier about accidental discoveries must have been wrong. Nevertheless scientists believe that these penguins, these comic flightless web-footed little bastards may finally unwittingly help man to fathom the uncharted depths of the human mind. Professor Rosewall of the Laver Institute.
And now… a letter, a hotel registration book and a series of photographs, which could add up to divorce, premature retirement and possible criminal proceedings for a company director in Bromsgrove!
Caption: “HOW TO FLING AN OTTER”