Oh, blimey, I only wanted a jolly good…
(Caption) IT’S A MAN’S LIFE TAKING YOUR CLOTHES OFF IN PUBLIC
(Caption) THAT SKETCH HAS BEEN ABANDONED’
Good evening. Well, tonight, we are going to talk about… well, that is… I am going to talk about… well, actually, I am talking about it now… well, I’m not talking about it now, but I am talking… I know I’m pausing occasionally, and not talking during the pauses, but the pauses are part of the whole process of talking… when one talks one has to pause… er … like then!
He’s that most dangerous of animals, a clever sheep.
Well, I’ve been a hunter all my life. I love animals. That’s why I like to kill 'em. I wouldn’t kill an animal I didn’t like. Goodday Roy.
The police are anxious to speak to anyone who saw the crime, ladies with large breasts, or just anyone who likes policemen.
Look! I must warn you that anything you may say will be ignored and furthermore, given half a chance I’ll put my fist through your teeth.
Look. This is the last time. I’m warning you, I’m not Sir Philip bleedin’ Sidney. I am Superintendent Harold Gaskell and this is a raid.
Once, one Sunday I told him my parents were coming round to tea and would he mind very much not nailing my head that week and he agreed and just screwed my pelvis to a cake stand.
I’m worn out. I’ve been shopping for six hours.
Mother, could I have a quick cup of tea please. I have an important statement on Rhodesia to make in the Commons at six.
… And the beast shall be huge and black, and the eyes thereof red with the blood of living creatures, and the whore of Babylon shall ride forth on a three-headed serpent, and throughout the lands, there’ll be a great rubbing of parts. Yeeah…
That’s just what Jesus said!
And now over to me.
Look, get out you old rat-bag. Buzz off and shut up.
And now over to me.
Beautiful girl (turning to Gaskell with bated breath): “You are Sir Philip Sidney?”
Gaskell: “…Possibly… but I may be Superintendent Gaskell of the Vice Squad.”
After a few more of these remarks, I shall be appearing in a sketch, so stay tuned.
And now over to me.