Shut up, and stop slouching. Now, the reason I called you in here today, is that my wife is having a little trouble with her… er… with her waterworks, and I think she needs a bit of attention,
Good morning. I’m sorry to have kept you waiting, but I’m afraid my walk has become rather sillier recently, and so it takes me rather longer to get to work.
This … is an ex-parrot.
Is this because he took out one of those silly cards?
So can we have your liver?
You don’t fool me, you stupid mynah bird. I’m not deaf yet.
I can’t take it anymore!
Joke, sir? Guaranteed amusing. As used by the crowned heads of Europe. Has brought tears to the eyes of Royalty. ‘Denmark has never laughed so much’ - ‘The Stage’. Nice little novelty number - ‘a naughty Humphrey’ - breaks the ice at parties. Put it on the table. Press the button. It vomits. Absolutely guaranteed. With refills. ‘Black soap’ - leave it in the bathroom, they wash their hands, real fungus grows on the fingers. Can’t get it off for hours. Guaranteed to break the ice at parties. Frighten the elderly - real snakes. Comedy hernia kit. Plastic flesh wounds - just keep your friends in stitches. Guaranteed to break the ice at parties. Hours of fun with ‘honeymoon delight’ - empty it into their beds - real skunk juice. They won’t forget their wedding night. Sticks to the skin, absolutely waterproof, guaranteed to break the ice at parties. Amuse your friends - CS gas canisters - smells, tastes and acts just like the real thing - can blind, maim or kill. Or for drinks, why not buy a ‘wicked willy’ with a life-size winkle - serves warm beer. Makes real cocktails. Hours of amusement. Or get the new Pooh-Pooh machine. Embarrass your guests - completely authentic sound. Or why not try a new ‘naughty nightie’ - put it on and it melts - just watch their faces. Guaranteed to break the ice at naughty parties. Go on, go on.
“It’s …”
Ah, no thank you. We’re not Church people, thank you.
I can’t tell the difference between Whizzo butter and this dead crab.
Exploding is a perfectly normal medical phenomenon. In many fields of medicine nowadays, a dose of dynamite can do a world of good. For instance, athlete’s foot - an irritating condition - can be cured by applying a small charge of TNT between each toe.
Look! I must warn you that anything you may say will be ignored and furthermore, given half a chance I’ll put my fist through your teeth. F’tang. F’tang.
What is it now, you persistently silly usher?
I am here. No traitor to the King.
Listen, mate! Don’t come that Philip Sidney bit with me. I’m not a bloody Tudor at all.
Call Erik Njorl, son of Frothgar, brother of Hangnor, etc, etc.
Do not rush for the lifeboats, and remember, women and children first.
Oh, yes, definitely - splunge for me, too!
Now I’m going to ask you some questions, and remember, if you do not give me correct answers, we have ways of making you answer!