And now the congregation shall rise and sing Hymn 101, ‘Get Your Hand Off My Knee, Ya Dirty Old Bastard’.
Say no more!
Hello, Fritz. Tables seem to have turned, old chap, let’s see how you like a bit of your own medicine, eh? Come on, Fritz, now tell us - tell us about…
Confess!
That’s not my name!
Stop! Stop this adaptation of ‘Puss-in-Boots’! This is the Police Department of the State of Venezuela!
Allow me to introduce myself. I’m Inspector Fox of the Light Entertainment Police, Comedy Division, Special Flying Squad.
There is nothing quite as wonderful as money!
There is nothing like a newly minted pound!
Everyone must hanker for the butchness of a banker
It’s the currency that makes the world go round!
I burst my pimples at you, and call your door-opening request a silly thing! You tiny-brained wipers of other people’s bottoms!
This is a happy occasion! Let’s not bicker about 'oo killed 'oo…
Spammity Spam!
Liberal rubbish! Klaus!
Ladies and gentlemen, I am not simply going to say ‘and now for something completely different’ this week, as I do not think it fit. This is a particularly auspicious occasion for us this evening, as we have been told that Her Majesty the Queen will be watching part of the show tonight. We don’t know exactly when Her Majesty will be tuning in. We understand that at the moment she is watching ‘The Virginian’, but we have been promised that we will be informed the moment that she changes channel. Her majesty would like everyone to behave quite normally but her equerry has asked me to request all of you at home to stand when the great moment arrives, although we here in the studio will be carrying on with our humorous vignettes and spoofs in the ordinary way. Thank you. And now without any more ado and completely as normal, here are the opening titles.
Nobody expects the Spa-- oh, bugger!
There’s nothing wrong with you that an expensive operation can’t prolong.
Good idea, Lord!
I feel very keenly that the idiot is a vital part of the village system, and as such has a vital role to play in the modern rural society, and you see — Ho! Wah! Aye! Yar! Ah matey, ehh, thanky-thanky yer — for a real imbecile that someone can look down upon and ridicule, and this is the role for — Yo! Hah! Hurr rambly-ramble, yoogly-yoogly oogly-oo! thanky yer – and this is the role that I and my family have fulfilled in the past 400 years.
Dinsdale was a perfectly normal person in every way. Except is as much as he was convinced that he was being watched by a giant hedgehog whom he referred to as Spiny Norman.
Hello, Mr Spare-Buttons-Supplied-With-The-Shirt. Nice to see you again.
I hate cutting hair. I have this terrible un-un-uncontrollable fear whenever I see hair. When I was a kid I used to hate the sight of hair being cut. My mother said I was a fool. She said the only cure for it was to become a barber. So I spent five ghastly years at the Hairdressers’ Training Center at Totnes. Can you imagine what it’s like cutting the same head for five years? I didn’t want to be a barber anyway. I wanted to be a lumberjack. Leaping from tree to tree as they float down the mighty rivers of British Columbia… The giant redwood, the larch, the fir, the mighty Scots pine. The smell of fresh-cut timber! The crash of mighty trees! With my best girlie by my side… we’d sing, sing, sing…