Uh-oh, here comes that wacky queen again.
You can start in small ways with ping-pong ball eyes and a funny voice and then you can paint half of your body red and the other half green and then you can jump up and down in a bowl of treacle going ‘squawk, squawk, squawk…’ And then you can go ‘Neurhhh! Neurhh!’ and then you can roll around on the floor going ‘pting pting pting’ …
The management regrets
that it will not be showing a feature film this evening
as it eats into the profits.
No, realli!
No, no, sir, it’s alright, we don’t morally censor, we just want the money.
Dear Sir, I object strongly to the letters on your programme. They are clearly not written by the general public and are merely included for a cheap laugh. Yours sincerely etc., William Knickers.
Many people in this country are becoming increasingly worried about bull-fighting. They say it’s not only cruel, vicious and immoral, but also blatantly unfair. The bull is heavy, violent, abusive and aggressive with four legs and great sharp teeth, whereas the bull-fighter is only a small, greasy Spaniard. Given this basic inequality what can be done to make bull-fighting safer? We asked Brigadier Arthur Farquar-Smith, Chairman of the British Well-Basically Club.
I use a body rub called “Halitosis”. It makes my breath seem sweet.
And now let’s go straight over to Leicester.
Dear Sir, I’m sorry this letter is late, it should have come at the beginning of the programme. Yours, Ivor Bigbottle, (age two) .
Nothing to do with me. I’m not in this show. This is show five - I’m not in until show eight.
A very interesting constituency, this. In addition to the official Silly candidate, there is an unofficial Very Silly candidate, in the slab of concrete, and he could well split the Silly vote here at Harpenden Southeast.
Don’t give me that, you snotty-faced evil pan of droppings!
Well, you can’t get much more interesting than that, or can you? With me now is Mr Thomas Walters of West Hartlepool who is totally invisible. Good evening, Mr Walters.
I will not buy this record, it is scratched.
My nipples explode with delight!
Well… well… I agree with everything Mr Gumby says.
You must cut down the mightiest tree in the forest with… a herring!
Very good golfer. Very good golfer. Rotten at finance. It’ll be Parkinson next.