Legolas isn’t from Lothlorien either, I think. He’s one of the wood elves, son of the king who imprisoned Bilbo’s friends in The Hobbit.
And who could forget Gollum’s Fishesss Sssslapping Danssssse.
Or the Ministry of Silly Wargs
Egads…I snorted when I read this…I was already chuckling, but you made me SNORT!
“Perhaps it comes from next door.”
“Hobbits don’t come from next door, they come from the Shire.”
“Burma!”
“Why’d you say Burma?”
“I panicked.”
. . .
“Ahem!” (Signals brass fanfare)
Put on my ring, and tell me that you love me
I’ll put on your ring and tell you I love you, too
I love to see you disappear
Right up to your fuzzy ears
You blow me away!
OW! Ow! Stop that. That’s hurts. All right I’ll stop.
Dunland, Dunland, Dunland!
Dunland has it all!
(In the hollow below Weathertop)
"NOBODY expects the Nazgûl of Mordor!
"Our chief weapon is surprise.
Surprise and fear,
Fear and surprise.
"Out TWO chief weapons are fear and surprise
And ruthless efficiency.
"Our THREE weapons are fear and surprise and ruthless efficiency
And an almost fanatical devotion to the Dark Lord.
"Our FOUR . . . no . . .
"Amongst our weaponry . . .
"Amongst our weaponry are
Such elements as fear . . .
“I’ll come in again.”
(On the other hand, at the ford of Bruinen)
"NOBODY expects the . . . oh, bugger!
This has to be the funniest thread!
And now for the very first time on the silver screen comes the film from two books which once shocked a generation. From JRR Tolkien’s Lord of the Rings and from the International Guide to Morse Code. Twentieth Century Vole presents ‘The Morse Version of Lord of the Rings’.
***Subtitle: **Defeat at the Mines of Moria seems to have utterly disheartened Frodo. The ferocity of the Orcs taunting took him completely by surprise, and Frodo became convinced that a new strategy was required if the quest for the One Ring were to be brought to a successful conclusion. Frodo, having consulted the rest of the Fellowship, decided that they should separate and search for the Ring individually. [clop clop clop] Now, this is what they did: Aragorn-- *
[sub] Thanks ResIpsaLoquitor[/sub]
You know that song in the Mitsubishi commercials, that goes “It’s been … one week since you” something-or-other? The one that Weird Al parodied into a song about Jerry Springer? Well…
It’s been
One ring to rule them all,
To rule them all and one ring to find them,
One ring to keep them all,
To keep them all and in the darkness bind them!
<very quickly: >
*There was a hobbit
Took a job, it
Made him rob it
From a Gollum
In a goblin cave
Who liked to call it “precious”.
Then after sixty years
A wizard’s fears
Caused many jeers
Wothin the house
Of Baggins, 'cause
There’s nothing rhymes with “precious”!*
Damn.
Scene 1. Interior. An office.
Aragorn: That’s enough of this silliness! Some of the postings in this thread are amusing, but most are just silly! Let us see something more military, such as precision drilling!
Scene 2. Exterior. A parade ground.
A platoon of Orcs is assembled on the field, performing the “Precision Swishing” drill.
“Come on, Gollum, now that you’ve taken the Ring from Frodo, won’t you try just one more step along this ledge? It’s only … wafer thin!”
Click
An Orc
Click
An Orc
A seaside inn at Cleavesden, in the western country of England.
A married couple walk up to the house and the man raps on the door.
Mr. Putey “Hello, is Mrs. Sedgewick in?”
Mrs. Sedgewick “Yes, I am Mrs. Sedgewick, the proprietor.”
Mr. Putey “Oh indeed, I am Arthur Putey and this is my wife Deirdre. We came to inquire about the room to let.”
Mrs. Sedgewick “Oh naturally, please come in.”
Mr. and Mrs. Putey walk in the door.
Mrs. Sedgewick “This is the front hall, and through that door is the parlor, and this way is the sitting room. Please follow me.”
The three of them walk into the sitting room and see three men sitting at a table huddled over a large map.
Mrs. Sedgewick “Ah, here are three of our tenants, Mr. Frobo, Mr. Gamwise Samgee, and Mr. Mandalf. Gentlemen, these are our new tenants, Mr. and Mrs. Arthur Putey.”
The three men look up suspiciously and grumble indistinctly.
Mr. Putey “So nice to meet you all. What is that you’re reading there?” He tilts his head sideways to read the map. “Mi…ddle…Earth,” he reads slowly. “Is that in the Lake District?”
Mr. Frobo “No, no sir! This map is nothing! Pay no mind to it!” He crumples up the map and tries to hide it. “It is a map of, of, Surrey. Yes, Surrey! We were trying to find the location of Mount Doom in the land of Mordor. No! I mean uh, umm, Mr. MacIntyre’s Chips and Fish Emporium!”
Mr. Putey “Ah yes, Phibbus MacIntyre, I know him well.” He tries to grab the map and straigten it out, and Mr. Frobo struggles with it. “You would take 81 north to the thoroughfare here, then a left at the high road…”
Mr. Samgee “No, no! You don’t understand! We are trying to destroy the ring in the evil fires created by Sauron. I mean, we’re looking for a marzipan factory. No! We’re joining forces with the elves to help protect the Shire! NO! We’re actually looking for the Royal Theatrical Society, or to perhaps ride a double decker and see Tower London. Oh no…” he falters. Mr. Samgee sits down and mops his brow.
Mr. and Mrs. Putey look at the three men in alarm.
Mr. Mandalf “Do no take me for some conjurer of cheap tricks!” He suddenly leaps out of his chair and brandishes his staff at Mr. and Mrs. Putey. “You shall not pass! We are the fellowship of nine, destined to destroy the ring…” Mr. Samgee grabs Mr. Mandalf and tries to make him sit back down.
Mr. Samgee “Ixnay on the ingray, Mandalf! Whatever you do, don’t mention Mr. Legoland, Mr. Wimli, or Mr. Morobir, and especially not Garry and Skip and how they were idnappedkay. These two here don’t know about you know what and you know where. It’s a secret!” he whispers fiercely. “Please excuse Mr. Gandalf here,” says Mr. Samgee apologetically to Mr. and Mrs. Putey. “He hasn’t had a good night sleep since 1396…”
Mr. Putey “Oh, not Gandalf the Gray!” he says brightly. “The wise old wizard who went with Frodo and Sam on a heroic journey to see Rivendell, the land of the elves, and there they held a secret council with Elrond and Aragorn son of Arathorn…”
Mr. Mandalf “No, no! That it is a much different Gandalf altogether. Gandalf was defeated by a fiery beast in the mines of Moria. I, I mean he, was betrayed by Saurumon the white wizard. He, I mean we, I mean I! I am nothing more than a member of the Royal Association of Dentists…”
Mr. Frodo and Mr. Gamgee shake their heads as Mr. and Mrs. Putey look bewildered.
Mrs. Sedgewick “Well, ahem, they’re quite a trio, these men,” she says, trying to lighten the atmosphere. “We never know what devilment they’ll be up to next, whether they’re going on and on about hooded gentlemen called Raiths, or organizing a charity auction for The Mother’s Aid to Needy Children. But their furry feet are a delight to the tenants, although they leave hair in the fireplace. And Mr. Mandalf does put on a spectacular fireworks display every night, although he almost singed off the rest of Mr. Sedgewick’s beard last night!”
Gandalf: We were led by a Ring.
Théoden : Led by a bottle, you mean.
Frodo: I am not the Chosen One!
Sam: I say you are, and I should know. I’ve followed a few.
Aragorn: Excuse me, are you the Rohan People’s Front?
Éomer: Fuck off! We’re the People’s Front of Rohan.
ELROND: Yah dee buggedee, rum ding gadooooo
ARWEN: Hello Daddy!
ELROND: Ni! Ni! Ni!
ARWEN: HELLO DADDY!
ELROND: Yarooooo!! Oh, hello Arwen!
ARWEN: This is Prince Aragorn, who wants to marry me
ELROND: Is he in the Red Book of Westmarch?
ARWEN: AND in the forward…
ELROND: {Grumble} Oh, hello Aragorn
ARAGORN: PRINCE Aragorn
ELROND: You little…
CELEBRIAN: Elrond!
ELROND: Oh, sorry. So you want to marry my daughter, do you?
ARAGORN: Per’aps {Sniff}
ARWEN: Oh, say you do Aragorn!
ARAGORN: Yeah, orright…
ELROND: Well in that case I must set you a task so that you may prove yourself worth of my daughter’s hand
ARAGORN: Why??
ELROND: Because she’s a fucking princess, that’s why! I’m sorry. Before you can marry my daughter you must take Frodo to the Cracks of Doom in Mordor and…
CELEBRIAN: Elrond!
ELROND: Uhhh, oh, you must… errr… oh, just go down to Bilbo and get me a pouch of pipeweed
ARAGORN: What, NOW?
ELROND: No, tomorrow morning!
And so, early next morning, single-handed, armed only with the shards of Narsil, Prince Aragorn set out to visit Bilbo. Yard after yard he walked. Minute after minute ticked by. His body breathed in… and out… Until…
ARAGORN: A pouch of Old Toby please
BILBO: Certainly, sir
[Crowd cheers]
How all the happy residents of Rivendell cheered Prince Aragorn as he walked back to the Council Hall in triumph. But just as he was approaching the hall he fell into Bruinen and drowned to death which only goes to show. And the moral of the story is: Smoking can ruin your health. The end.
FYI, that song is One Week by Barenaked Ladies.
We arrrre…the Uruk Hai who saaaaaaaaaay…NI!
i have never laughed so hard at any thread EVER than this right here, good work everyone! LOL
meanwhile,
<Gollum> I wonder where that ring has gone?
Such a precious ring, i loved it like it was a son…
(<Bilbo>That went… wherever I did goooo)
Is it in his pocket? Wouldn’t I like to know!
It is the most elusive ring!
(And it went…wherever I did goooo)
Ooh ringy ringy ringy ring!
(A ring, a ring, a ringy, Oh!)
OOOOOH ringy ringy ringy ring!
(And it went…wherever I did gooo…)
Wewease…FWODO!