… a Balrog with a wizard’s staff up his nose.
Sam: I want to be called Loretta!
Sauron, standing on a balcony: “Mowrdwor is your fwiend!” (just building on jr8’s brilliance…)
“I am Aragorn, Heir of Gondor!”
“Heir of who?”
“Heir of Gondor!”
“Well, I didn’t vote for ya!”
“You don’t vote for heirs!”
“Well, 'ow do you become heir, then?”
And so on…
“How not to be seen…Boromir of Gondor is hiding behind this bush. Please stand up, Boromir…<Shhhh-Thwack! Thwack! Thwack!>”
I did two on page five of the original thread. Sorry I don’t know how to link to individual posts, but they’re toward the bottom.
That was the first lesson on How not to be Seen! Don’t Stand Up!
Mr Took of the Shire is also hiding behind this bush. Mr Took, stand up, please! <No movement>.
Mr Took has learned the first lesson on How not to be seen. However, he chose an obvious piece of covor <BOOM!>
Thanks for the inspiration, Kilt-wearin’ man!
(Outside the gates of Mordor where we find Frodo, Sam and Gollum watch the gates close in front of them.)
Sam: Mr. Frodo, I think I have a plan!
(Cutaway to shot of the hills where we hear sounds of various power tools. Next we see the Trojan Rabbit being wheeled to the gate. Soldiers open the gate and take the Rabbit inside. Frodo, Sam, and Gollum look on from the hills)
Frodo: Okay, Sam. What’s the plan.
Sam: Well, you, Gollum and I… leap out of the rabbit.
Frodo: Who leaps out of the rabbit?
Sam: You, Gollum and I.
(Frodo smacks Sam in the back of the head. Next they hear the sound of a catapult being launched and they see the rabbit is flying towards them.)
All: Run Awaaaaaay! Run Awaaaay!
And now for something completely different: an orc with three buttocks!
Wiffin Poofs Tolkien in his first book wrote about wrote about, Tolkien in his first book wrote about wrote about wrote about he wrote about hobbits!
Announcer: I’m afraid we didn’t have a winner in the summarize Tolkien competition, so we’ve decided to give the prize to the girl with the biggest tits!
Mi sÿster vås stæbbed bĭ å Ňazgůl wøns…
We apoligize the previous subtitles. Those responsible have been sacked and thrown into the Crack of Doom.
I put one on page 27 (good lord!) of the Monster Thread so I’ll refrain from re-posting it, but I’ll give highlights…
Balrog “What…is your NAME?”
Gandalf “Gandalf the Grey.”
Balrog “What…is your QUEST?”
Gandalf “To cast the One Ring into the fires of Mount Doom!”
Balrog “What…is in my POCKET?”
Gandalf “I don’t know THAT! AAAUUUUUUUUGHHHHHH!!!” Gandalf is cast into the chasm
No. 24… The Ent.
Mr Frodo Baggins of Bag End of the Shire is attempting to be the first hobbit to cross the Misty Mountains on a tricycle.
His tricycle has the 6" steel hull, 24 first class cabins and a radar scanner.
Welcome to “On Literature.” I’m your host, Melvin Wright. Our guest today is J.R.R. “Two Sheds” Tolkien.
Elrond: One day, my dear daughter, all of this will be yours.
Arwen: What, the curtains!
Elrond: No, not the bloody curtains!
Hallo, Mum! Hallo, Dad! There’s a dead orc on the landing!
What’s his allegence?
Saurumon! It’s tatooed on the back of his neck!
Mÿnd yů, Ňazgŭl stæbs kan bï nāsti…
tracer:
specious
delicious
ravenous
(originally posted by me on the big monster thread over yonder…)
Outside the gates of Mordor…
Gollum: Master, I havesss an idea…
(cut to view of soldiers outside the Black Gate, looking bored)
(cut to view of pastoral scene of trees… sounds of hammering, axes, and finally a chainsaw)
(cut to view of large wooden rabbit…er, coney…being wheeled up to the Black Gate and being taken inside)
(cut to view of Gollum, Frodo and Sam looking down at the Black Gate from the nearby hillside)
Frodo: and now what happens, Smeagol?
Smeagol: Now, you, Ssssam, and I, we waits until dark…then we hopsss out of the rabbit, catching Ssssauron’s armies in their sleep! Not only in their sleep, but totally by surprise!
Sam: WHO leaps out?
(Frodo smacks his head)
Gollum: Perhaps if we built a large wooden Nazgul…
(scene fades)
picture of Tom Bombadil
Sir Not Appearing in This Film
The Nazgul on your television set will now explode!
(Gandalf, having defeated the Balrog, lies on his back exhausted. The camera comes in for a close up to Gandalf’s face)
Gandalf: It’s…
(Cue Liberty Bell March)…