Doctor: I’ve got some bad news.
Me: Lay it on me gently.
Doc: Ok, knock, knock.
Me: Who’s there?
Doc: Herpes,
Went to the butchers this morning and asked for some triple.
He gave me a DVD box set of Love Island.
Friend: How much faith do you have in the human race?
Me: I’m a dog person.
Wife on email: If you had to choose, would you rather lose and arm or a leg?
Me: A leg, I need both arms to fish.
Wife: My coworker just said he needs both arms to hug his wife, so thanks.
Me: Sounds like he’s never been fishing.
Scientifically, a raven has 17 primary wing feathers, the big ones at the end of the wing. They are called pinion feathers. A crow has 16. So, the difference between a crow and a raven is only a matter of a pinion.
Veterinarian talking to cat: What seems to be the problem?
Cat: Meow.
Vet: Yes, but where?
Woman to Arnold Schwarzenegger: So you’re not a Terminator anymore?
Arnold: Negative, I retired, Now I kill bugs. I am an ex-Terminator.
R2D2: The most vulgar character of all time. They bleeped out every single word he said.
I couldn’t find anyone to sing with me… So I bought a duet yourself kit.
Car salesman: this car will seat 6 people without any problems.
Me: I don’t think I know 6 people without any problems.
Have you heard about a new sport called Quiet Tennis?
It’s like regular tennis but without the racket.