Wanna hear my Elton John joke?
It’s a little bit funny…
Why are there no bridges named after Chuck Norris?
Nobody crosses Chuck Norris.
Getting to be a Frankenstein is super selective
They only take a small fraction of all applicants.
Old labor joke, from the nineteenth century…
MAYOR ‘So you men growl at $1.60 a day—20 cents an hour! Why, if you worked 24 hours, that’d be $4.80. In ten years, if you work full time, you’ll each make nearly $18,000—a fortune for any man.’
WORKMEN’S SPOKESMAN ‘But, Mr. Mayor, your own pay is more’n $33 a day—call it that, for, say, four hours’ work, $8 an hour! Now, if you worked 24 hours, that’d be $192 a day! In ten years, if you keep your place, and work FULL TIME, you’ll make nearly $699,800—a fortune for any Mayor!’
came for jokes
runs screaming from math
How about run screaming from 19th century jokes?
1888: There was a man whose last name was Rose. As a lark, he named his daughter Wild, “with the happy conceit of having her called Wild Rose.” But that sentiment was “knocked out” when the woman grew up to marry a man whose last name was Bull. Weekly Journal-Miner in Prescott, Ariz., May 23, 1888
Dear Math,
grow up and solve your own problems.
Who’s a superhero with a bad sense of direction?
Wander Woman.
When I was growing up there was Bob Hope, Johnny Cash and Steve Jobs.
Now there’s no Hope, no Cash and no Jobs. I just hope nothing happens to Kevin Bacon.
My doctor told me I had a very rare disease. “What’s it called,” I asked?
He replied, “What do you want it to be called?”
An unconscious pizza maker was admitted to the hospital
They called him John Dough
Why are bacteria so bad at math?
Because they multiply by dividing.
Why do some snakes require a wooden table to reproduce?
They are adders and need log tables to multiply.
Dear Algebra,
Stop asking us to find your x. Forget it, man, she’s gone.
(I posted this one awhile back. The rest: “And don’t ask y.”)
Thought for the day: If teachers really want students to follow their dreams, why won’t they let them sleep in class?
Dear Geometry,
That’s acute angle you’re trying on me, but I’m still not going to cosine your loan. Stop going off on a tangent, and don’t be so obtuse!
(ok, going back to working my day job now, which I’m definitely keeping)
I think the reason that schools are so dangerous is because of the name “School” -
If we renamed all education centers as “Uterus” then Republicans might actually care about what’s inside them.
Want to sexually frustrate an IT worker?
Have you tried turning them off, then on again?
To those who don’t understand cloning…
That makes two of us.
How about English Victorian:
If William Penn’s aunts kept a pastry shop, what would be the prices of their pies? The pie-rates of Penn’s Aunts.
Why should the number 288 never be mentioned in company? Because it is two gross.
How do you kill a circus?
Go for the juggler.
I feel sorry for my circus friend, the human cannonball
He just got fired, but I don’t think they’ll ever find another man of his caliber.
My friend is an unemployed circus clown. We nicknamed him Pennywise.
His career is in the gutter.
If you’re attacked by a clown…
Back in the day, my bro and I used to read the Guinness Book of World Records. They’d slip in the occasional joke. IIRC the man who had been struck by lightning the most times was a forest ranger. Description? Something like “He could offer no explanation for his conduct.”
If Pa killed Ma, who would kill Pa?
Marwood.
William Marwood, Victorian hangman. First to use the long drop method that broke the neck instantly, rather than strangulation
Genuine Victorian joke.
According to Rich Hall on QI, he was of course called Bernie.
When Vegemite was first made in Australia it was called Pawill. Why? Because it was competing with Marmite.
I think he conducted himself very well.
My son looked up from his homework
and asked me, “Dad, what’s an acorn?” I smiled and explained…
“Well, in a nutshell, it’s an oak tree!”
TIL, in the original draft of Lord Of The Rings: The Return Of The King,
JRR Tolkien wrote that Bilbo Baggins died while having sex with a dwarf prostitute…
Apparently old hobbits die hard.
What motivates a grammar nazi?
Word domination.