A group of foreign computer peripheral manufacturers, unhappy with tariffs placed on their products by the United States, plans on starting their own country, which will compete with America.
They will call it USB.
Why was the keyboard exhausted after work?
Because it had two shifts.
Thinking about opening a bondage themed sandwich shop
Call that BLTDSM.
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary.
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything.
What do you call it when a banana eats another banana?
I’m only familiar with 25 letters of the alphabet.
I don’t know why.
I just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome.
It started off badly but by the end I really liked it.
At the moment I’m reading a book about anti-gravity.
I simply can’t put it down.
I bumped into an old work mate from the sawmill the other day.
He gave me a high two.
Woman took her two dead monkeys to the taxidermist to get them stuffed. The taxidermist asked ‘Do you want them mounted’? She replied ‘No thanks, just holding hands’
Gambling is a sure way of getting nothing for something.
Nick the Greek
An old woman is making dinner. In comes her fifteen-year-old grandson.
“So, Sidney, what did you learn in school today?” she asks.
“Today was sex education,” he replies.
“Sex education. What’s that?” she asks.
“We learn things like premature ejaculation, and all about penises and vaginas and—”
She cuts him off, screaming, “Stop! I don’t ever want to hear that kind of language coming out of you! Now go up to your room. You’ll get no dinner tonight.”
Thirty minutes later the kid’s mother comes home and asks, “Where’s Sidney?”
“I sent him up to his room,” the old woman answers. “I asked him what he learned in school today and he said ‘sex education’ and I asked what that was and he started saying the filthiest words you ever heard. I can’t even repeat them.”
“Ma, that’s what they teach the kids these days. You asked him a simple question and he gave you an honest answer.”
The old woman feels bad now.
“I didn’t realize,” she says. “I’ll go upstairs and get him and bring him down to dinner myself.”
So she goes up to his room. When she opens his door, she
sees him in the corner masturbating.
“Sidney,” she says, “when you’re finished with your homework. . . .”
— Norm Crosby
Three addicts went into a favorite back alley to shoot up.
The first addict sterilized his needle, swabbed it with alcohol, and shot up. Then he passed it to the next fellow, who swabbed the needle with alcohol and shot up. Then he passed it to the third addict, who stuck the needle right into his arm.
“Are you crazy, man?” screamed the first two. “Haven’t you heard of AIDS? You could
get sick, man, you could die.”
“Don’t be ridiculous,” said the third guy in a lofty tone. “I’m wearing a condom.”
Visiting New York City for a medical convention, a doctor from the University of Utah took the afternoon off to do some shopping.
Wandering into a little antiques store, he came across a curious brass sculpture of a rat and inquired as to the price.
“I have to tell you the truth,” said the proprietor. “I’ve sold that piece twice and it’s
been returned twice—so I’ll let you have it for four hundred dollars. It’s very old.”
The doctor paid and headed out with his purchase in a bag under his arm. Not much
later he noticed the shadowy forms of hundreds of live rats scuttling along in the gutters. A little while later the rats had swelled in number to several thousand, and it became evident they were following the doctor. His astonishment turned to disgust and alarm as the rat pack grew to fill up the whole street, so he picked up speed and headed east.
When he reached the river, he chucked the brass rat right in, and to his considerable relief, the horde of rats followed it to a watery death.
The next morning the doctor was the very first customer in the antiques store.
“No way, buddy, I’m not taking it back a third time,” protested the owner.
“Relax, I’m not bringing the rat back,” soothed the doctor. “I just wanted to know . . . do
you have a brass lawyer?”
I just saw this guy going up a hill with a wheelbarrow full of horseshoes, four leaf clovers and rabbit’s feet.
I thought: “He’s pushing his luck!”
What did Shakespeare call his shower?
McBath
What did the math text book say to the Shakespeare text book?
Look, buddy, I’ve already got a lot of problems, and I really don’t need any of your drama.
An old man and a young women in an elevator.
The young woman says, “TGIF”
The old man says “S.H.I.T”
The young woman says “TGIF” again
The old man lowers his head and says “S.H.I.T”
The young woman says “Thank God it’s Friday”
The old man “Sorry, honey, it’s Thursday”
I went to a zoo and there was a baguette in a cage -
A mathematician, a physicist, and an engineer were each handed a red rubber ball and asked to determine the volume.
Each ball had a diameter of 2 inches.
The mathematician plugged the radius of 1 inch into the equation for the volume of a sphere.
The physicist put a known volume of water into a calibrated container, submerged the ball, and with a simple subtraction determined the volume.
The engineer said he couldn’t answer the question. His handbooks had a blue rubber ball table and a green rubber ball table, but no red rubber ball table.
A man and a woman are on a date
Woman: “I slept with 3 guys before I met you.”
Man: “Hell, I was only 20 minutes late!”
Why are all the billionaires so interested into going to space?
'Cause guillotines need gravity to work.
What does a DJ say when he robs a bank?
“Everybody put your hands up!”
I recently visited Australia. The people there are nasty.
Britain has announced a new cabinet department in charge of miniature Star Wars figurines placed in front of windows. It will be known as The Ministry of Sill Ewoks.
What sound does an airplane door plug make when it hits the ground? Boeing, boeing!
Ah, so it’s something that DJs sometimes say in the course of their job. I never ran into that, but it’s been a while since I attended a wedding reception.
