This is very funny and, sadly, all to true.
ISWYDT!
Cheeky !
At Tesla’s recent earnings call, Elon Musk revealed that self-driving autonomous taxis will roll out in Austin, TX in the next quarter.
A bit dark.
We should refer to Tesla robo-taxis as “Ride Heiling” from here on out.
Boeing is working with Elon Musk to deliver Air Force One replacements sooner.
Boeing, Elon Musk, and a Rush Job? What could go wrong?
We really should look into colonizing Mars and other planets or moons -
If you look at the studies, 100% of deaths occur here on earth.
Air traffic control - Flight 417, please confirm your location, over.
Pilot - This is Flight 417, we are in the sky, over.
What do you call a phobia of machetes?
Common sense.
Why was the window dancing?
Because of the door jam!
I’d like to cancel my subscription to 2025.
I’ve completed my one-month trial and I’m no longer interested.
Why? reflecting telescopes on the right - no vampire in mirrors
Why should you eat pork sausage on February 2nd?
Because it is ground hog day.
Researchers have found that men complain less in the month of February.
Because it only has 28 days.
The month before Frank’s 21st birthday, his father told him, “Did you know that something amazing happens to all the male members of your family when they turn 21?”
“When your grandfather turned 21, he went to the lake and discovered that he was able to walk on the water. When my oldest brother, your uncle George, turned 21, he discovered the same. Me, your other uncles, your older brothers…all of them could walk on water at age 21.”
“Cool!” said Frank. “I can’t wait to walk on water!”
A month later, Frank turned 21, and his family took him to the lake to see him walk on water. They got into a boat and rowed into the middle of the lake, and watched excitedly as Frank stepped out of the boat…but instead of walking on the surface, he sank.
After he was pulled back into the boat, Frank said, “I don’t get it! You all turn 21, and you can walk on water! I turn 21, and I can’t!”
“Hmm,” said Frank’s father. “Come to think of it, it may be because all our birthdays are in February but yours is in July…”
I say, I say, what do you call an aardvark that is three feet long?
A yardvark.
Today I visited the birthplace of the man who invented the toothbrush.
There’s no plaque.
We know the toothbrush was invented in Alabama, otherwise it’d be called a teethbrush!
I may not be that good looking, or athletic, or funny, or talented, or smart… I forgot where I was going with this but I do know that I love bacon.
All I’m saying is at some point during that ride through the desert he could have given that horse a name.
Someone threw a jar of mayo at me. I was like, “What the Hellman?!”
I was reading something and misread a line, then came up with a joke based on that. An expert might be able to make this funny.
Fred Flintstone went to his optomitrist and said he needed new glasses. He asked Fred what happened to the old pair. Fred said that he got mad and threw them against the wall and broke them. The optomistrist said, people in stone houses shouldn’t throw glasses.
I’ll probably get banned for this one, but what kind of berries did the mohel put in the window of his establishment?
Juniper
“People who live in grass houses shouldn’t stow thrones.”
Sorry.
Because I am a 75 year old child.
Not bad at all. Reminds me of one that I made up while in high school…
A guy was walking by the circus after hours and hears a voice calling to him. He looks in the tent where the noise came from and there sat the fat man and the bearded lady. They tell him “come on in and have a drink with us”. He comes in and they hand him a bottle, he takes a swig and in minutes is out cold. He wakes up the next morning, minus his watch and wallet. He finds a cop and reports the incident, but the policeman has no sympathy, telling him “You should have known better- beware of freaks bearing fifths”.
Why can’t cows wear flip-flops?
They lactose.
A group of those who think the world is flat have gone missing.
It’s like they fell off the face of the earth.
What is the scientific term for puddles?
Postcipitation.
My friend said to me, I wish you wouldn’t be so pedantic!
I replied, Don’t you mean “I wish you weren’t so pedantic.”?
How does the Headless Horseman like his coffee?
Decapitated.
Story, not a joke. Long story, but I did volunteer work with cancer patients, leading to being in the audience for local comedians doing their routine for cancer patients, leading to me coming up with jokes and giving stand-up comedy a try. I have no idea how good my jokes were, but my delivery sucked. A joke from back then,
I got tired of doing laundry week after week. Last week when I did laundry I threw in the towel.
(and I didn’t give up my day job for comedy)
Donald Trump is talking with Elon Musk.
‘Canada is mining and selling too many minerals.’
‘What are you going to do?’
‘Order tariffs to make them mine less.’
‘Mine fewer.’
‘Shh. Don’t call me that yet.’
Saw a sign over the computer gambling systems that said “Don’t forget to cache out.”
I asked the computer store which aisle has the ram upgrades?
I wanted to walk down memory lane.
These two bytes walk into a bar. The first one says to the second one “I may have a parity error because something doesn’t feel right”. The second one says “I think you’re right. You do look a bit off”.