I bought a secondhand time machine next Sunday. They don’t make them like they’re going to anymore.
Did you hear that Disney+ is making a crossover between Star Wars and Back to the Future where the time machine is half car and half person?
It’s called the Man-DeLorean.
Why did little Jimmy cross the road?
He wasn’t wearing his seat belt.
What do you call a group of people waiting to get into a Pride festival?
An LGBT queue.
Why do Republicans continue to support Trump?
Because they really believe in taking a baby to full term.
How many physicists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Assuming it takes place in a vacuum, approximating the light bulb as a point particle, Assuming it takes place at precisely 300 K, and ignoring the Heisenberg Uncertainty Principle: π/3.
What does George Washington have in common with Aunt Petunia from Harry Potter?
They both went to Mount Vernon.
Did the guy who coined the term “one hit wonder” come up with any other phrases?
Tip of the day:
When you are behind someone at a cash machine, gently kiss their neck to let them know that you are not a threat.
Fact of the day:
Earth can fit inside Uranus 63 times. 64 if you just relax.
Me, checking emails:
“What’s this? A meeting request with just my boss and HR. I think I’ll decline.”
No bare feet on glass, though.
“Urology clinic, can you hold?”
My biggest fear about the apocalypse is losing my glasses. I would totally just give up. Foraging for food? I literally can’t tell the difference between an edible berry and a small rock.
It’s easier to practice self restraint when faced with dumb choices and situations as we get older. Not because we’re wiser, it’s because we’re tired.
A vegan, a crossfitter, a Linux user, and a raspberry pi owner walk into a bar.
It’s the same guy.
Only one person walked into the bar.
Oh God, why won’t he shut up?
One of my favorite episodes but if I was in his position I would find some sort of solution, perhaps finding an optometrist’s office and a prescription that came close.
After all there’s time enough at last.
I’m sure this has been hashed out here before, but if the bomb blasts were enough to kill everyone not in a deep library vault at the time, I wouldn’t give much hope for an intact optometrists.
Someone else brought that up in another thread. My suggested solution was to try to find the library’s front desk-- behind the desk he’d probably find a ‘lost and found’ box that likely had several pairs of glasses, one of which would hopefully work for him, well enough to be able to read, at least.
Well, the bomb blasts weren’t quite powerful enough to destroy the books, apparently.
Depends on the library, I suppose. The British Library stacks go down about 75 feet below ground. But now we’re fighting the hypothetical.
Just agreeing that it’s kind of a strange nuclear war that turns buildings to rubble, kills everybody except Burgess Meredith, but leaves all the library books intact.
But I’ll stop hijacking now…nuclear war is not a subject very compatible with a ‘jokes’ thread 
In space, two aliens are talking to each other
The first alien says, “The dominant life forms on the Earth planet have developed satellite-based nuclear weapons.”
The second alien asks, “Are they an emerging intelligence?”
The first alien says, “I don’t think so, they have aimed at themselves”
The joke’s on us!!
Your buy the twist, you buy the premise. It’s like saying, “But dogs can’t talk!” when the punchline, “Maybe I should have said DiMaggio,” comes up.
Incidentally, the Lynn Venable short-short the episode was based on is available at Project Gutenberg
While looking up the joke to go with that punchline, I came across:
A guy walks by a man and his dog with a sign that reads “Talking dog for sale: $20”.
“Can your dog really talk?” “Ask him yourself” “Hey Dog?”
The dog looks at him and says “Why hello there Sir.”
“Holy shit! You can really talk!! How did you wind up here in Florida?”
Dog: “Well I started in New York training seeing eye dogs for the blind. Then September 11th happened and I went to ground zero to try and find survivors. After a few days of searching for survivors I helped find bodies. After that I felt very patriotic so I joined the Army. I was sent to Iraq where I ran medical supplies to soldiers all over Iraq. I was there for two years and was discharged honorably. I came back to the states and wanted to go to work at Disney World here in Florida. I worked there for six months and the union told me I had to wear a costume. Since I was a talking dog I didn’t think I needed to, so I quit and retired here in sunny Florida.”
The man turns to the owner and says “You have an amazing dog! Why are you only selling him for $20?”
Owner: “Because he’s a liar! He never did any of that!”
A dog walks into a saloon with a bandaged foot.
Bartender: Can I help you?
Dog: I’m lookin’ for the man who shot my paw.