I bought a secondhand time machine next Sunday. They don’t make them like they’re going to anymore.
Did you hear that Disney+ is making a crossover between Star Wars and Back to the Future where the time machine is half car and half person?
It’s called the Man-DeLorean.
Why did little Jimmy cross the road?
He wasn’t wearing his seat belt.
What do you call a group of people waiting to get into a Pride festival?
An LGBT queue.
Why do Republicans continue to support Trump?
Because they really believe in taking a baby to full term.
How many physicists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Assuming it takes place in a vacuum, approximating the light bulb as a point particle, Assuming it takes place at precisely 300 K, and ignoring the Heisenberg Uncertainty Principle: π/3.
What does George Washington have in common with Aunt Petunia from Harry Potter?
They both went to Mount Vernon.
Did the guy who coined the term “one hit wonder” come up with any other phrases?
Tip of the day:
When you are behind someone at a cash machine, gently kiss their neck to let them know that you are not a threat.
Fact of the day:
Earth can fit inside Uranus 63 times. 64 if you just relax.
Me, checking emails:
“What’s this? A meeting request with just my boss and HR. I think I’ll decline.”
No bare feet on glass, though.
“Urology clinic, can you hold?”
My biggest fear about the apocalypse is losing my glasses. I would totally just give up. Foraging for food? I literally can’t tell the difference between an edible berry and a small rock.
It’s easier to practice self restraint when faced with dumb choices and situations as we get older. Not because we’re wiser, it’s because we’re tired.
A vegan, a crossfitter, a Linux user, and a raspberry pi owner walk into a bar.
It’s the same guy.
Only one person walked into the bar.
Oh God, why won’t he shut up?