More Jokes...

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

That other tread was getting long…so here goes:

This missionary is on safari in Africa when his party is captured. He watches in horror as they kill and eat all his friends. When he is the last one left, they offer him a test to prove his worthiness to live…

"What is the test?"he asks.

“You must go into that hut and drink the 3 large bottles of whisky, and you must do this within the hour.”

“Ok,That sounds easy enough”, he says.

“Wait, there is more! After you drink the whisky, you must go to the second hut, where there is a pit, and in this pit there is a lion with an abcessed tooth…you must remove the tooth, all within the hour.”

“Well, that will certainly be a challenge, but I’ll try!”, he begins to sweat nervously.

“Wait!Thre is one more hut, and inside there is a virgin, you must come in her six times, all of this must be done in ONE HOUR!”

The missionary began to shake, and merely nodded as they started the timer.

It took him only 3 minutes in the first hut, then he staggered out to the second hut…for 56 minutes, all that could be heard were the anguished screams of the man, and the furious roars of the lion.

When he immerged from the hut, bloody and torn, he smiled drunkenly… “Hokay…S’wheres dat virgin with the abcessed tooth…”

2

Jokes for a mature audience: http://www.cs.wisc.edu/~lists/archive/jeffstud/msg00116.html

3

Two guys are in a bar when one of them turns to the other and says,

“I know a place where we can can laid for 20 bucks.”

The other guy says,

“The hell with that. I’m married. I can get it for nothing.”

His friend thinks about that for a moment, then says,

“Okay, then. Drink up. We’ll go to your place”.

If you can’t laugh at yourself,
make fun of other people.

4

A man goes to the plastic surgeon. He tells him he just got engaged, and his fiancee hasn’t seen him naked yet.

“The thing is,” the man moans, “I’m very unendowed. Is there some way to add about 6 inches, so I could be 2 inches or so above average?”

Upon examination, the doctor tells him “Well, in your case, we could probably add an inch or so, but for the extension you’re requiring, the only way to do it would be to surgically implant the trunk of a baby elephant, then add the head to the end of the trunk.”

Well, the man is very concerned about not disapointing his bride-to-be, so he tells the doctor to go for it.

A week later, the man is having dinner with his fiancee and her family at a fancy restaraunt. The young lady is looking at her future husband, thinking how wonderful he is, so she reaches under the table and squezzes his leg. She is very surprised to feel something down there she never felt before, so she starts rubbing him under the table. She feels him getting even larger, and this new discovery, combined with the situation, casues her to boldly unzip his fly and go exploring.

Suddenly, the man’s dick pops over the table, grabs his baked potato off his plate, then dissapears under the table again.

Everyone at the table gets very quiet. The just stare at the mortified man in shock.

Finally, the young ladies father says “You know, I’ve seen many amazing and strange things in this world, but what I think I just saw was unbelievable. I am going to ask you to do that again.”

The young man clears his throat, and responds “I’d love to, but I don’t think there’s room in my ass for another baked potato”.

You say “cheesy” like that’s a BAD thing.

5

Similar to EDEN’s joke on the last Joke Post:

Three whores decide to see who has the biggest pussy. They get naked, and start fingering themselves and each other.

After a few minutes, the first one squats on a glass top table, and then they measure the slimy outline she leaves.

The second one then squats on the table, and then they measure the slimy outline she leaves, which is even bigger.

The third one squats on the table, but when she stands back up, the first whore says, “You didn’t leave an outline.”

She says, “Smell the rim.”

6

One more:

It’s a student nurse’s first day at the local hospital. She goes up to the senior nurse and presents herself and asks if there is anything she could do to help out.

The senior nurse, pleased with the student’s eagerness, passes over a little bundle and says, “this is little Johnny, he’s only a few days old and he’s not been well lately. Could you give him a bath while I attend to the other babies?”

Glad to help, the student disappears with the bundle.

About 30 minutes later, the senior nurse is puzzled that the student hadn’t come back yet, so goes to investigates.

She finds the student in bathroom with a bath half full of water, two fingers up the baby’s nose, swirling the baby around it in a circular motion.

“What are you doing? That’s not how you bath a baby!!!” screams the senior nurse.

“It is when the water’s this fucking hot!!!” replies the student.

7

A woman asks her husband if he’d like some breakfast, bacon and eggs perhaps?
A slice of toast? Grapefruit with ginger
and coffee to follow? He declines. “It’s this Viagra”, he says,“It’s really taken the edge off my appetite”

At lunchtime, she asks if he would like something. A bowl of home-made soup, maybe, with oatcakes (mmmmmmmm), a cheese sandwich?
He declines. “It’s this Viagra”, he says, “It’s really taken the edge off my appetite”
Come teatime, she asks if he wants anything to eat. Maybe a pudding or a pie? A pizza?
He declines. “It’s this Viagra”, he says, it’s really taken the edge off my appetite"

“Well”, she says, “Would you mind getting off me? I’m fucking starving”.

It only hurts when I laugh.

8

That was really funny…I’m fucking starving!
ROTFLMFAO!

9

That last one took me a few minutes…I was reading it as “would you mind getting ME off”…Duh!

Some mornings it just doesn’t seem worth it to gnaw through the leather straps.
Emo Philips (stolen from matt’s webpage)

10

This is a repeat of one of Jay Leno’s jokes last night.

Steve Young, the quarterback for the San Francisco 49er’s suffered his third concussion last weekend. His playing status for this weekend is questionable. By the way, do you know what the Cleveland Browns call it when their quarterback gets three concussions?

Fourth down.

11

Some scientists decided to test the truth of that old adage about family relationships, “blood is thicker than water.”

They work out the physics and decide that they can test this by seeing if a sealed container filled with blood will float in a swimming pool. They decide that a cadaver would fit the bill perfectly, and sure enough, the cadaver floated!

One of them, however, points out that their experiment does not take into account the possibility that other factors regarding the dead body are making it float. In order to be certain it’s the blood doing it, they decided to remove the blood from the cadaver, and sure enough, the dissenter was right…it continued to float.

Because you can bleed a corpse in water, but you can’t make it sink.

Chaim Mattis Keller
ckeller@schicktech.com

“Sherlock Holmes once said that once you have eliminated the
impossible, whatever remains, however improbable, must be
the answer. I, however, do not like to eliminate the impossible.
The impossible often has a kind of integrity to it that the merely improbable lacks.”
– Douglas Adams’s Dirk Gently, Holistic Detective

12

Two statues, a man and a woman, both naked, gaze longingly across a small park at each other for three hundred years.

One day, an angel arrives and says, “Because you have endured your separation for so long, I am granting you one hour as living beings, to do what you have wanted to do for so long.”

She waves a wand, and poof! They are flesh-and-blood people. The two look at each other for a second, then dive off into the bushes.

Half an hour later they emerge, flushed and happy. “We’ve still got time,” says the male statue, “Wanna do it again?”

“Sure!” says the female statue, “Only this time YOU hold down the fucking pigeon and I’LL shit on it!”

13

Two women, Mary and Jane, are neighbors and best friends. One day they had the following conversation:

“You know Jane, I’ve found a lot of the spark has gone out of the marriage with John and me.”
“I know what you mean. Bob’s nowhere near as romantic as he used to be. Maybe we should try something new to perk things up.”
“I know. Maybe we could switch partners.”
“Now that’s a kinky idea. Let’s talk it over with the boys tonight.”

The next day:

“Well did you talk it over with Bob?”
“Yes, and he’s real excited about doing it. How does John feel?”
“He’s all for it. No sense waiting then, let’s try it tonight.”
“Okay.”

The following morning:

“Well, Mary, how was your night?”
“I loved it, Jane. I guess a change was all I needed.”
“I’m glad to hear it. It was fun to try out something different.”
“I know, let’s go over to your house and see how the guys made out.”

14

Sales of 7 UP were going down so the CEO sent his reps around the world. They all returned except the rep that went to the South Seas. The CEO went on his jet to the South Seas to find out what happened. The CEO met a native and the CEO asked what happened to his rep. The native replied he was eatened. The CEO asked “Did you eat his hands?”. The native said “Yes, and we washed it down with 7UP.”. The CEO asked “Did you eat his feet?”. Again the native replied he had and washed it down with 7UP. The CEO asked “Did you eat his thing?” while pointing between his legs. The native answered “Yes”. The CEO asked “I guess you washed it down with 7UP?”. The native replied “NO, Things go better with Coca Cola, Things go better with Coke”.

“Life is what happens to you when you’re busy making other plans”-John Lennon 1980

15

Spoonerism jokes:

What’s the difference between a sea gull and a baby with no diaper?

One flits on the shore…

What’s the difference between an epileptic oyster-sheller and a prostitute with diarrhea?

One shucks between fits…

What’s the difference between a woman in church and a woman in the bathtub?

One has hope in her soul…

What’s the difference between a football linebacker and a virgin?

One reels when the squad breaks through…

16

This one is old, but it still makes me laugh

Well, here’s a prime example of the differences between men and women offered by an English professor at Southern Methodist University:

“Today we will experiment with a new form called the tandem story. The process is simple. Each person will pair off with the person sitting to his or her immediate right. One of you will then write the first paragraph of a short story. The partner will read the first paragraph and then add another
paragraph to the story. The first person will then add a third paragraph, and soon back and forth. Remember to re-read what has been written each time in order to keep the story coherent. The story is over when both agree a conclusion has been reached.”

The following was actually turned in by two of my English students: Rebecca - last name deleted, and Gary - last name deleted.

The story:

At first, Laurie couldn’t decide which kind of tea she wanted. The chamomile, which used to be her favorite for lazy evenings at home, now reminded her too much of Carl, who once said, in happier times, that he liked chamomile. But she felt she must now, at all costs, keep her mind off Carl. His possessiveness was suffocating, and if she thought about him too much her asthma started
acting up again. So chamomile was out of the question.

Meanwhile, Advance Sergeant Carl Harris, leader of the attack squadron now in orbit over Skylon 4, had more important things to think about than the neuroses of an air-headed asthmatic bimbo named Laurie with whom he had spent one sweaty night over a year ago. “A.S. Harris to Geostation 17,” he said into his trans galactic communicator. “Polar orbit established. No sign of resistance so far…” But before he could sign off a bluish particle beam flashed out of nowhere and blasted a hole through his ship’s cargo bay. The jolt from the direct hit sent him flying out of his seat and across the cockpit.

He bumped his head and died almost immediately, but not before he felt one last pang of regret for psychically brutalizing the one woman who had ever had feelings for him. Soon afterwards, Earth stopped its pointless hostilities towards the peaceful farmers of Skylon 4. “Congress passes Law Permanently Abolishing War and Space Travel,” Laurie read in her newspaper one morning. The news simultaneously excited her and bored her. She stared out the window, dreaming of her youth-- when the days had passed unhurriedly and carefree, with no newspapers to read, no television to distract her from her sense of innocent wonder at all the beautiful things around her. “Why must one lose one’s innocence to become a woman?” she pondered wistfully.

Little did she know, but she had less than 10 seconds to live. Thousands of miles above the city, the Anu’udrian mothership launched the first of its lithium fusion missiles.
The dim-witted wimpy peaceniks who pushed the Unilateral Aerospace Disarmament Treaty through Congress had left Earth a defenseless target for the hostile alien empires who were determined to destroy the human race.

Within two hours after the passage of the treaty the Anu’udrian ships were on course for Earth, carrying enough firepower to pulverize the entire planet. With no one to stop them, they swiftly initiated their diabolical plan. The lithium fusion missile entered the atmosphere unimpeded. The President, in his top-secret mobile submarine headquarters on the ocean floor off the coast of Guam, felt the inconceivably massive explosion which vaporized Laurie and 85 million other Americans. The President slammed his fist on the conference table. “We can’t allow this! I’m going to veto that treaty! Let’s blow’em out of the sky!”

This is absurd. I refuse to continue this mockery of literature. My writing partner is a violent, chauvinistic, semi-literate adolescent.

Yeah? Well, you’re a self-centered tedious neurotic whose attempts are the literary equivalent of Valium.

Asshole.

Bitch.
Shadowfox

17

My favorite spoonerism:

How is a women’s track team like a tribe of smart pygmies?

One group is a bunch of cunning runts

“It is impossible to defeat an ignorant man in an argument” - William McAdoo

18

kelli…

I would have posted this joke here, but it really wanted to go over here:
http://www.straightdope.com/ubb/Forum5/HTML/000259.html

Hope that works.

You say “cheesy” like that’s a BAD thing.

19

Three mice are sitting at a bar in a pretty rough neighborhood late one
night trying to impress each other about how tough they are.

The first mouse sinks a shot of scotch, slams the glass onto the bar, turns
to the second mouse and says, “When I see a mousetrap, I lie on my back and
set it off with my foot. When the bar comes down, I catch it in my teeth,
bench press it twenty times to work up an appetite, and then make off with
the cheese.”

The second mouse orders up two shots of sour mash, pounds them both, slams
each
glass into the bar, turns to the first mouse, and replies: “Yeah, well when
I
see rat poison, I collect as much as I can, take
it home, grind it into a powder, and add it to my coffee each morning so I
can get a good buzz going for the rest of the day.”

The first mouse and the second mouse then turn to the third mouse.

The third mouse lets out a long sigh and says to the first two, “I don’t
have
time for this bullshit. I gotta go home and fuck the cat.”

====================
A Mafia Godfather, accompanied by his attorney, walks into a
> room to meet with his former accountant.>
> The Godfather asks the accountant, “Where is the 3 million bucks
> you embezzled from me?” The accountant does not answer.>
> The Godfather asks again, “Where is the 3 million bucks you
> embezzled from me?”>
> The attorney interrupts, “Sir, the man is a deaf mute and cannot
> understand you, but I can interpret for you.”>
> The Godfather says, “Well ask him where my damm money is!” The
> attorney, using sign language, asks the accountant where the 3
> million dollars is.>
> The accountant signs back, “I don’t know what you are talking> about.”>
> The attorney interprets to the Godfather, “He doesn’t know what
> you are talking about.”>
> The Godfather pulls out a 9 millimeter pistol, puts it to the
> temple of the accountant, cocks the trigger and says, “Ask him
> again where my damn money is!”>
> The attorney signs to the accountant, “He wants to know where> it is!”>
> The accountant signs back, “OK! OK! OK! The money is hidden in
> a brown suitcase behind the shed in my backyard!”>
> The Godfather says, “Well…what did he say?”>
> The attorney interprets to the Godfather, “He says “Go fuck yourslef. You don’t have the balls to pull the trigger, you old fart.””

You say “cheesy” like that’s a BAD thing.

20

You guys have probably heard this one already, but I’m going to post it anyway.

Okay, so this guy dies and goes to Hell, right? And he’s being shown around by a demon. The demon says “You know, all that stuff about Hell being fire and brimstone and eternal punishment is just a lot of bad PR. In fact, we have a whole lot of fun down here. Do you drink?”

The guy replies, “Yeah! Like a fish!”

The demon says “Great! Monday is alcohol day. We have all kinds of alcoholic beverages, you can have whatever you want, cheap beer, fine champagne, hard liquor, whatever. We have stuff that is nothing like you’ve ever tasted back on Earth. All day long, we do nothing but get completely loaded, and you don’t have to worry about waking up with a hangover or liver disease, because you’re already dead! Now, do you smoke?”

“Like a chimney!”, the guy replies.

The demon says “Excellent! Tuesday is tobacco day. We have availible to us all kinds of cigarettes, cigars, pipes, anything you want. All you do is kick back, relax, and light up. And, of course, you don’t have to worry about lung cancer or emphysema because you’re already dead! Wednesdays. Do you like to fuck?”

“Hell yeah!” responds the guy.

“Well, you are in luck, my friend! Wednesday is orgy day. Some of the hottest babes in the history of your planet have ended up down here! I’m telling you, man, there is nothing these chicks won’t do, and they’ve had lots of practice at it. It all adds up to one mind-blowing experience, or anything else you want blown. And there’s no worries of catching a disease, getting anyone pregnant, or who respects whom in the morning, because-”

“You’re already dead!” interjects the guy.

“Right! You’re catching on. I think that you will make a fine addition down here. Now, do you do drugs?”

The guy says “Sure!”

“Marvellous! Thursday is drug day. If your mind isn’t blown from Wednesday, then Thursday will finish the job. We have all sorts of the finest mind-altering substances. We will have you tripping, tweaking, and smacking like there was no tomorrow. I heartily recommend the LSD, there’s never a bad trip. And need I even mention that there’s no risk of getting hooked, due to your deceased condition? Now, are you gay?”

“Uh, no…”

“Ohhhhhhhh, man, you’re gonna hate Fridays…”