More Shodan Training Issues (from Leet the Wonder Dog)

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

Hi, Dopers!

This is Shodan’s pal Leet the Wonder Dog[sup]TM[/sup]. Again, please overlook any errors - it’s hard to type with my big adorable paws.

I am still having issues with Shodan’s training.

He understands his role pretty well. He is there to
[ul][li]Take me for Nice Walks. He is real good at that - an hour a day, at least.[/li][li]Feed me yummy dog food. Also a strong point - he pours me out my supper, we say grace nicely, then when he says Amen I can lunge in and devour my food as if I had been starved for the last week.[/li][li]Comb and brush me so I don’t shed all over the place. This is real nice, since he does this every night before bedtime. It’s so soothing![/li][li]Slip me scraps from the table when Mrs. Shodan isn’t looking.[/li][li]Take me to the dog park where I can play with the other dogs. Granted, he puts the Bad Muzzle on me when we go there, but he explained that is so I will play nicely with the other dogs and not bite them when they refuse to play Chase with me, so that I can overlook. Besides, the dog park has lots of fun mud puddles we can play King of the Pool in and get all filthy and disgusting. Fun! (See “comb and brush me every night” for a topic related to fun mud puddles.)[/li][li]Talk to me and pay attention to my emotional needs. He talks to me a lot, especially when he is working form home. Last time we had an interesting discussion on an SQL application he is supporting. Then he gave me the crust from his sandwich, so it was good for both of us.[/ul][/li]All that is fine. What he doesn’t understand is my role in the greater picture, especially as it relates to home security.

I am fierce and brave. Ask anyone. Being scared of thunder doesn’t count, because thunder is scary, but I am well prepared to deal with ordinary threats. Shodan doesn’t seem to understand the risks of everyday life, and that I save him and the family from certain death on a daily basis.

Just a few days ago, we had a series of near-fatal incidents where groups of children dressed in frightening costumes continually rang the doorbell to see if we were home so they could come in and kill us. Red alert! Full emergency bark mode enabled! But silly Shodan refused to recognize the threat! He made me go and sit on the landing while he tried to fight off the alien invasion alone. He used a bowl of interesting-smelling treats that I couldn’t have any of to drive off the interlopers. (He said it was “chocolate” which is bad for dogs, but I am pretty sure he is wrong.) Nonetheless, he used the chocolate to drive off the invaders, when I could have done it and saved the chocolate for me (and him).

He refuses to recognize the threat of my arch-nemesis, the UPS guy. Every so often, the UPS guy almost breaks into the house, but runs away when I bravely bark at him. But instead of lauding my courage, Shodan tells me to shut up, for heaven’s sake, it’s just a package that Mrs. Shodan ordered from Amazon. But I am not fooled - I recognize the looming menace of UPS, and try to bark at the truck when it passes me and Grampa Shodan when we are out for Nice Walks. He won’t even recognize this for its extraordinary bravery and goodness.

But last night was the worst yet. We came back from Nice Walks, and Shodan let me out into the backyard. Little did he know that the reason I wanted Outside was not because I had to poop for the third time running. No - I was on Bunny Patrol. The backyard had been invaded by Killer Rabbits Who Will Get Us If I Don’t Do Something.

Instantly I sprang into action. I caught the Evil Bunny, and killed it with a hard shake of my noble head. Then I was just about to settle down to a nice bedtime snack of raw rabbit guts, when naughty Shodan came out to see what the ruckus was.

And can you believe it - he took the spoils of my hunt away from me without so much as a Please. I even offered to split it with him, where I would take a leg and he could have the bloody trailing guts, but he stole the whole thing. Okay, so he gave me a dog treat to make up for it, but that is hardly good enough for a noble hunter such as myself.

So I appeal to the fair-minded Dopers out there - what can I do? How can I make it clear to Shodan that it is my destiny to disembowel passing wildlife, and scare delivery personnel?

Regards,
Leet

2

Silence your barking. If you don’t make a fuss, he won’t know what you’re getting into.

3

Catching a rabbit is impressive – those suckers are fast. Was it grown, or just a baby? And what breed are you, Leet?

4

Subtle, Leet. Subtle. Silence is foo, and mum’s the word.

You’re so brave and honorable that you just have to make some noise when you celebrate your victory, but Shodan must think the Evil Bunnies are cute or something. (Honestly, they really are – it’s a part of the Evil Plan.)

So do like a cat: kill and enjoy your prey quietly.

Sure. Cat’s aren’t nearly as noble or brave as a good dog, but they’re wise: their sneakiness works. I’m not saying make cat-like sneakiness your way of life. Just use it wisely, selectively. You can learn something even from a sneaky stuck-up cat.

And now that you know that Shodan’s a not-sharing prey-taker, don’t take him leftovers. He’ll just get mad you got your share. Or maybe the Evil Bunny Cuteness will make him feel sorry for the Dead Evil Ex-Bunny, because that’s how Evil Cuteness works.

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It was a big one. He would have been delicious.

I am a German Shepherd. Here I am saying "Grampa, I have to go Outside".

It wasn’t so much my barking that made Grampa Shodan think something was up. The rabbit was screaming. But not for long.:eek:

Regards,
Leet

6

Then you need to kill the rabbit quicker next time, so it won’t squeal.

And Grandpa is right about the chocolate, sweetie. You don’t want to get sick and have to go to the vet, do you?

7

Leet, we sympathize with you. We’ve found Shodan to be particularly difficult to train also. I will say that he is acting in your best interests though. It is true that neighborhood children, UPS men, and rabbits are evil, you’ll get no argument there. However we humans foolishly concern ourselves with trivial issues nowhere near the scope and import of territorial security. We just don’t have the same kind of focus and sense of priority that makes dogs superior to us in so many ways. Still, you will have to accept that if you kill all the neighborhood children eventually there will be other dogs that have no property to guard, that UPS men deliver dog food and dog toys and dog gear to many dogs and aren’t always attacking your home, and that rabbits… well nevermind, there’s no redeeming quality to rabbits, you just keep doing your job there.

I would let you talk to Blackjack but he is resting right now, he is very old and he has had a long and glorious life filled with triumphs like yours in conduct of his duty.

8

Hi, Ajax here, JcWoman’s keeper. She says I’m the hansummest greyhound around, with a body like Adonis, whoever that is. Anyway I have a few tips for you. First of all, good job zapping the bunny! That’s a favorite hobby of mine, too. My momma and dad take them away from me too, but I still get the fun part which is the chase and pounce. Anyway, one thing I know is if you catch one of those nasty little wabbitses, you don’t take them to the back door. Take them to the farthest corner of the yard, hide under a bush and then you can snarf it down.

Also, if you’re really quick, you can snap their little neckses before they can scream. This also helps prevent pushy humans from stealing your prey.

I think you may need to rethink the threat from the UPS man and the holloween monsters, though. They’re all just different humans and humans are all full of pets and kisses and telling you how hansum you are. At least in my experience. My sister and I have never met a stranger or a scary human. In fact, my sister is a total slut and actually flirts with all the humans she sees. But either way, we both get lots of affections and adorations from the humans we meet every day. You should try it!

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You are a handsome boy. You deserve much petting.

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NO!!! We don’t like the vet!! She pokes me with needles and her office smells funny!

And belly scratching. Don’t forget the belly scratching. Especially - right - there - leg jiggle leg jiggle legjiggle

Regards,
Leet

11

Funny story about our Rebel…we took him to a new vet for an emergency (arthritis flare up, he’s good now) and we had a heckuva time trying to get him in the door, even though he’s never been there before.

Must be the smell. It’s like they know.

12

Leet, take it from a fellow K9, you can’t successfully train the Two-legs, they just don’t have the cranial capaci…(Shh, here comes one now)…Woof! Rowlf! (See what I mean? They fall for it every time! Every single time!)

13

Leet, when they aren’t looking, drag your ass across their carpet. It feels so good. Trust me.

14

ThelmaLou’s dog Sweetie: “The UPS man who comes to our house is especially bad because he delivers two cases of cat food every week from amazon. And when I bark ferociously at him, along the lines of, ‘Don’t need no stinkin’ CAT food!!’ Thelma shushes me with, ‘It’s okay, Sweetie,’ and the UPS man thinks she’s calling him Sweetie!”

BWAHAHAHA!! :smiley: Cracks. Me. Up.

15

Zeus here. I guard Dragon’s fort. ( The short name for GusNSpot ) I am physically challenged so I can’t catch wabbits and I have to live with 8 ( eight ) VIII cats. You are a lucky dog, let me tell you.

I do good in catching skunks which does not make Mama happy but Dragon loves it. I also tree raccoons & possums for them to come admire and praise me.

There other dogs in the thread are right, kill quiet and eat fast.

Need to train Shodan that he needs to listen to you. Teach him you talking to other dogs, you are lonely, you are happy, he needs to come see what is going on, he needs a gun and get here quick, I think there is bad guys and real trouble and they don’t belong here, barks. He learns those, he will do much better in how he treats you.

Oh, it is OK to be a total slut when it comes to belly scritchin. Humans think that is good stuff and love to see you kick and moan in delight.

Oh, learn to use your weight to get your way. I am running about 130 pounds now and I get to sleep anywhere I want.

Zeus

16

You’re a big dog like the big dog I play with at the dog park. He is big and old and sometimes does not want to play Tag with me as he should. And when we play WWF Wrestlemania he loses interest much faster than me, so he sits on me and I go play with another dog.

I don’t always get to sleep where I want, because I want to sleep on the bed next to Shodan and Mrs. Shodan usually objects. So I sleep on the floor next to the bed and trip Shodan when he gets up in the middle of the night to go piddle, or sneak in and sleep on the bottom of the bed by Shodan’s feet so I can detect when he gets up and then run to the back door and wait to go Outside and go potty and go on Bunny Patrol. Or say good morning to the neighbor’s yippy little rat dogs in a loud clear voice, but Shodan especially doesn’t like that and makes me come inside.

Regards,
Leet

17

I would like to borrow Leet for rabbit patrol, since Patience the Labrador is not up to the job of catching and disemboweling rabbits that continually eat my garden.

Her predecessor Lab was not much better, but she once stared down, chased and bit a woodchuck on the butt, so there’s that.

18

It’s important to recognize that Mrs Shodan is the alpha of the pack. She has more and more powerful techniques to train him that you do. If you can get her on your side with respect to Shodan’s misbehavior you will be much more successful at training him.

19

But Mrs. Shodan just enables Shodan’s bad behavior! Sometimes, on Sunday afternoons, she and Grandpa Shodan lock me out of the bedroom altogether for a half hour or so, and get real peevish if I bark at the door. And Shodan always hugs her first when he comes home, even before he gives me scritchers, and he uses the Command Voice to make me Sit if I try to interfere.

And she doesn’t even kill any Evil Rabbits for him.

Regards,
Leet

20

What a 5^/33t dog!!