The last wedding I went to was my cousin’s, and I didn’t bring a gift at all. It was a curiously freeing feeling.
My reasoning was that my mother got the invitation, which was addressed to all of us. “All of us” being my parents, my brother, and myself.
My parents live in Houston.
I live in San Antonio.
I am 30 years old. I haven’t lived with my parents in over a decade. I think it’s bizarre to include a grown woman in an invitation at her parents’ address in another city.
My cousin lives here. He has my phone number. It would be a simple matter to find out my address.
The fact that I didn’t get my own invitation also means that I didn’t get invited to the shower, nor did I get any indication as to where they’re registered.
So my parents and my brother drove here to attend the wedding, and we attended as a family. My parents got them a gift, and I figured that was fine…since we are still, apparently, an indivisible unit.
Re: the OP…just because you’re old doesn’t mean you can’t be stupid. In fact, some people never get smarter than they were at twelve years old.
That poem made me laugh and cringe in equal parts.
My cousin Pete did something akin to the “one link removed” rule here. he sent out Save the Date cards, with the URL for a wedding website on them. On the website, in addition to all sorts of helpful information about the city where the wedding was taking place, the story of how they met, etc., there was a link to their registry. I thought that was a nice (and helpful) happy medium - they live 3000 miles away from me, and I would have otherwise had no clue what they needed for their apartment or what their taste was in home furnishings.
That’s a great idea…I remember getting a bunch for my wedding, and they did come in handy.
I’ll give you an idea for a little something special to do when you give them…one person who came to our wedding gave us a little assortment of them, and in one she had framed our wedding invitation. I thought that was such a nice idea for a gift, and I still have it hanging in our staircase with the family photos.
I thought the THREE we got was bad. We also got a lot of wine (at the time my husband didn’t drink wine) and - sorry eleanorrigby - more picture frames than any human being could ever want - most in styles I didn’t like.
We also got a set of Nerf guns (because in marriage, you will have fights), an eighteen inch tall “The Tick” and a rare Magic:The Gathering card.
It’s so funny how thinking can be so different on how to buy gifts. I remember years ago a very good friend of mine was getting married, so like a good little wedding guest, I went to Marshall Fields, got them something from their registery, and had it sent. How can you go wrong? Come to find out later that he was a little disappointed that I would do something so impersonal.
Now, I maintain that I did the right thing. I didn’t know the bride-to-be at all, and so if I had chosen something more personal, it would have been all about him, and not about the two of them. I didn’t know her taste, her interests, or anything. But it is funny how you can be so sure that you are being polite and thoughtful, and still someone else might not see it the same way.
Tell me about it. When one of my cousins got married, he failed to invite me to his wedding. I had just broken up with my fiance and was living with my mother temporarily. My mother received an invitation, addressed to her only. No mention of me by name and no other indication that my mother could bring a guest. Knowing that A) weddings are expensive; B) catering arrangements are usually made with specific numbers of guests in mind; and C) polite people do not show up to formal events when they are not invited, I did not attend.
My mother reported back that everybody, including my cousin, was asking where I was. Apparently they thought that she would just be toting me along like a handbag. I was 31.
Years ago, we got an invite to a wedding in WI–an old college roommate of my husband’s. We were the only ones in our set that had kids (they were quite small then) and the invite only said Mr and Mrs Rigby.
So, we arranged to have my sister (not in the best of health) come to stay with the kids, agreed that we would not stay overnight so that we could get back to relieve her etc. and went to the wedding. (coldest Memorial Day I remember. They needed those outdoor heaters for a tent reception). It made for a very long drive and day for us, but hey, this was Stewart (not his real name).
The entire time people were asking where our kids were.
A few weeks later at a social event, I saw the bride and groom. The bride (we didn’t know her well at all) took me to task for NOT bringing our kids. A first. I finally said, well, the invitation didn’t say “and family” or “children welcome”. And left it at that. She was upset that I hadn’t dragged them (at ages 1 and 3) along. Whatever.
In my head I call her Nasty instead of Nancy. I’m childish like that… I gave them picture frames. No thank you note. :rolleyes: We do Xmas cards now.
I’ll call her Nasty too if you like. Seriously, even if they had invited your kids, who wants to take a one year old to a wedding? Who wants to go to a wedding with a bunch of infants at it? I swear, I’d say some people were raised by wolves, but wolves are social pack animals. Some people are raised by yetis.
I can understand, BARELY, our yeti-born kin not knowing the basic etiquette that only those invited on the invitation are invited. Barely. I will never understand people who do that crap Monstera deliciosa and Audrey Levins got. Seriously, you couldn’t spare an extra envelope? Personally I don’t even like “and guest” unless you’re okay with having extra people and your invitee is single and not seeing anybody and might like to bring a date; if you want to invite somebody and their long-term significant other you do owe it to them to call somebody and ask their SO’s name. Sigh.
And I’d send separate invitations to anybody over 13 or so, because even if they’re teenagers living at home the kids might like to get their own grown-up invitations. I’m quite sure that people in their 30’s would. Particularly when they live in a whole other city.
I’ve heard of people being upset when someone DID bring their kids (I had to bring my daughter to a different wedding, again in WI–hmmmm), but the couple knew she was coming. My husband did the video for that wedding.
Thing is, it was an hour long mass. She got fussy and so I went to sit in the cry room (no idea what it’s really called), not wanting to ruin or disturb the ceremony.
Guess what?
When we watched it, I couldn’t hear the priest or the responses for all the other babies crying. well, hell–if I’d known that, I would have just kept her out in the church! Except my mother raised me right and all that.
Anyway, I had never heard of people just assuming you’re bringing all the family. I thought I was doing the right thing. Oh, well. I wouldn’t have changed it, had I known, because traveling 4 hours in the car one way with 2 small kids and then back again is no way to spend a Saturday. Nasty ended up having 3 kids in 2 years (twins). This made me smile…and not in a nice way. I’m so evil.
In my book, adults are considered separate unless they all live in the same house. And even then–I might just splurge on that extra first class stamp. You know, go crazy! And send all the adults separate invites.
The classiest wedding/invitation I’ve heard of was one that said something like: “No gifts please. Your presence is gift enough.” Now THAT’S what I would have printed if it were my wedding. (I wonder if “presence” was a pun, assuming I’ve remembered the wording correctly.)
For our wedding in Thailand, I’m not even sure if there were any invitations. The wife’s family took care of everything. Being Chinese Thai, the bulk of our gifts consisted of gold, which we’ve got squirreled away in a bank safety-deposit box. Although her brother did give us a TV and video player, and I have to admit that was nice.
You WERE doing the right thing, eleaborigby. Just because everybody around you is a giant cretin doesn’t mean you have to be, too. The only people invited to your event are the people whose names are on the invitation. If the invitation says Mr. and Mrs. John and Susan Doe, then John and Susan can’t bring Trilby and Prong. If the invitation says Mr. and Mrs. John and Susan Doe, Miss Trilby Doe, Master Prong Doe, then Trilby and Prong can’t bring their friend Leroy and his little sister. If the invitation says Mr. and Mrs. John and Susan Doe and Family, Leroy still can’t come. Leroy can only come if it says Miss Trilby Doe and Guest or Miss Trilby Doe and Master Leroy Cretin. I don’t understand why people need that explained to them.
I know I was doing the right thing. Nasty was just so clueless. I still laugh about it today. I dunno why weddings bring out the worst in people. Funerals, too. I was new to my unit (nurse) when I got married. Seriously, I knew 2 people. So, I invited my manager, my assistant manager and my one friend from work. The rest of the unit was ticked that they couldn’t come. I had worked there less than a month. :rolleyes:
If I had to do it again, I’d elope. I’m thinking of giving Daughter some money and saying, here-call us when you’re hitched! when it’s her turn.
I’ve had the same thing happen to me. I was in my mid-30s and hadn’t lived at Dad’s house in years; my sister was a few years younger, married, and living in a different city; and an invitation to my cousin’s wedding arrived at my father’s house. The invitation was addressed to “Spoonsdad and Kids.” (Note that Spoonsmom had passed away some years earlier, so naturally, she wasn’t on the invite.) Yes, it really did say, “and Kids.” No mention that my brother-in-law was invited, by the way.
I mentioned to my Dad that I was disappointed, if not insulted, that they couldn’t send separate invitations to his adult children. Dad, trying to find some good in the situation, said, “Well, look at the bright side. You don’t need to bring a separate gift, since we’ll be going as a family unit.” So I didn’t. It was, in Audrey’s words, a “curiously freeing feeling.”
I don’t know, either. When we were planning our very small wedding (25 people), we made it clear to everyone that it was an adult party, and their children WERE NOT WELCOME. My sister was a huge bitch over this - at one point she told me that I could tell her kids that they couldn’t come to the wedding, so I’d be the one to disappoint them, not her, and at another point she threatened to bring them anyway. She pushed me thisclose to blowing up at her (and I’m not the blowing up kind), which is exactly what you need as a bride planning your wedding.
Eek gads! The horror stories! Amost makes me want to skip the whole wedding thing myself!
i know the SO would rather do the court-house thing. Been there done that and it left a bad taste in my mouth. Of course, i think he had a wedding ceremony before.
I want the ceremony - but it will be family and a few friends. The cards (if i can be crafty enough) will be homemade pop-ups… or at least homemade. The ceremony - I’d like outdoors, like his brother’s back yard or a park or something simple. And already planned the request of no gifts (I like what Siam Sam posted). Hell, i’m not wanting to get married and have the ceremony for the “goodies”; I want to share the special occassion with the people I love.
lol The OP is a perfect example of WHAT NOT TO DO!
I went to one out East when my kids were Very Little - one of Brainiac4’s very good friends. Invitation addressed to the two of us. We left our kids with my mother and flew out.
Unfortunately, some of the very good friend’s relations were raised by wolves. Despite getting the no “and family” invites - they brought the whole tribe. And this was a very fancy, very expensive no kids East Coast wedding. So they were told they couldn’t bring their kids, which caused a huge to do over the whole thing, lots of hard feelings. But there was no way out of hard feelings - though the “Barn Family” couldn’t understand that. Let them bring their kids and everyone who got a sitter and left kids at home would be saying “well, why did they get to bring their kids?”
And where do guests find this information? None, and I mean NONE of our guests know our parents, and our parents will not be present. At best, they might know that my mother is in Chicago, but they don’t know her name.
As for asking the matron of honor - who’s that? Some friends of ours got married a couple of weeks ago, and I have no idea who the matron of honor was, other than the bride’s sister, and I only found that out at the reception. I asked a mutual friend before the wedding if they knew where the couple was registered, and they actually said “I don’t know. Have you asked <the bride>?” because they didn’t know who the matron of honor was, or anything about the couple’s parents.
Not everybody is so high up in “society” that their goings-on are printed in the newspaper.
I think it’s already been pointed out in this thread that you can search the couple by name at weddingchannel.com. It will bring up any registries at major stores like BB & Beyond, Macy’s, Williams Sonoma, etc. Target is also very popular nowadays and you can search for registries right on their website.
