They could ask you. 
This is how I’ve understsood it from all the wedding ettiquette stuff I’ve had to look at over the past months. The rule is that if they are close enough friends or family to be on your guest list at all, then they are close enough for you to know who their significant other is or for you to contact personally to verify it.
My aforementioned buddy who got married over the summer lives out of town. We’re close, but due to bad timing, he’s never had the chance to meet my finacee face to face, and he’s REALLY bad with names if he doesn’t have a face. So he tried to bluff and called me to ask for the “correct spelling” of her name for the invitation. When the inivation came, he’d spelled my name wrong! 
(In all fairness it was one of those “Mc” vs. “Mac” things).
See above. According to the ettiquette guidelines from Miss Manners and her ilk, it’s supposed to work the same in reverse. If you are close enough to the bride and groom to be invited, you should either know who one’s parents are, or you are good enough friends/family to be able to call them to find out.
Personally, I think that knowing the parent’s name dates back from the days of yore when invitations said: “Mr. and Mrs. Cellphone and Mr. and Mrs. Fianceephone cordially invite you to attend the wedding of their two precious snowflakes, Swallowed and HotChick…”
Knowing parents also assumes younger couples getting married. I’m getting married next May. I’m 36. I live in Cleveland, OH. My dad lives in Tennessee and my mom lives in Arizona. None of my friends have met either of my parents, nor would they ever have really had occasion to. My mom has visited once since I moved here, my dad has never visited. The time my mom was here, we didn’t have any friends over.
Also, I’ve moved around a lot and have friends in a lot of different states. Add to that friends that I’ve met online and so on. So when I pick a maid of honor… it’s not like most of my friends will know her or vise-versa either.
A lot of these wedding conventions date back to a time when couples married young, straight out of their parents’ house, and just about everyone lived in the same general area, and you’d lived there since forever.
As for calling the couple directly, I think a lot of people feel it’s awkward to directly approach the person you’re giving the gift to to ask where they are registered.
I was under the impression that if you called the couple it’s not to ask about the registry, it’s about asking who the parents/maid of honor/best man is and that’s who you are supposed to ask about things like registry.
But I think your point is right on the money. My buddy’s dad died when we were back in highschool, his mom is getting “forgetful” and his bride’s parents are both dead! Doesn’t make the old conventions easy!
I’d never met the best man either and didn’t know him from Adam, but I did ask who he was and called him to get more info when we needed it.
Hey, that “correct spelling” gambit is a time-honored save. I do it all the time when I need a patron’s name but I just didn’t catch it on the phone. “S-M-I-T-H…”
My maid of honor–my best friend since age 7 ( I was 24; she was 23) had once dated for about 2 months the best man. They had broken up over a year prior to the wedding and were both seriously involved with other people.
She asked me *how many steps down and back up the aisle did she have to walk with him. * This was the beginning of the end of our friendship. Somehow she managed to actually appear in pics with him and smile. But some folks can’t even manage that.
My sister (who was not my maid of honor and did not want to be in the wedding at all–another long story) refused to smile in any of the pictures, because “when I smile it looks like I have a double chin.” I wasn’t in her wedding party, either (we are not close at all), but I smiled in the pics.
People are crazy.
Arnold–there’s always one. Since she hates them so much, why not regift them or give them to a resale shop–where many, many people will be glad to purchase them? keeping in them in a box seems like a dead end.
My wife doesn’t hate picture frames. I don’t either, we just have too damn many of them. The space taken up by all those picture frames would be much better employed to store some of my twenty-year collection of computer magazines, which are Priceless Historical Documents and I’m running out of room for them.
I had a friend in college who was a one night stand sort of guy. He used to say that the next morning you asked her how she SPELLED her name so you didn’t get hit…
(I enjoyed his company, and was always smart enough to turn down his propositions - as a result he knew my name).
I will say that one nice thing my bridezilla friend is doing is providing child care. She does not want children at her ceremony (they are invited to the reception), but since a lot of her guests are going to be from out of town, she has child care set up at the hotel where the reception is being held.
I have a 5 month old and always assume that she’s not invited to parties, lunches, weddings, unless I’m told otherwise. Just because I think she’s the greatest thing going doesn’t mean everyone else thinks so! (Although I should add that she actually is the best thing going.)
Hey, my neighbors gave us what could be a handy tidbit.
They were invited last year to a wedding where the parents were pretty much out of the picture (due to distance). The inviations they got had the invitation itself, the RSVP card and envelope, and then a third card that had a full-color Google map to the venue, a short list of nearby accommodations for out-of-towners, and a helpful: “For additional directions or other inquiries, contact Best Man, John Smith, at 555-1234.”
Apprently the best man was acting as the go-to guy for registry questions as well as attire questions. Apparently the second most common question after “Where are they registered?” was “So when the invitation says ‘formal’, how formal do we really have to be?”
So no need to be tactless and include a registry card, but clear info on how to get any other info you’d need.
That’s what we did. We included a card in the invitation that specified that child care would be provided during the ceremony for all children under 5, and then we enforced it. No babies, no toddlers in the church. At least one gal was a bit put out, but too bad.
Huh. I never knew that it was considered tacky to include a gift registry card in a wedding invitation. Of course, when DH and I got married, it was during the dark ages before the internet (1993). We registered at Hudson’s for china and Target for towels, pots & pans, kitchen utensils, and all of the basics. If anyone was offended I would have thought it strange. All of the wedding invitations, bridal showers, and baby showers I’ve ever received have an extra card or a note saying where they were registered. It was just the way things were done.
I haven’t been to a shower or wedding in years, but would still expect to see some sign of where they’re registered; it’s just easier for everyone that way. It would seem rude to me to ask for money. You will get money from the people who don’t get you a gift. If they bring nothing, it’s still nice that they came to your event. A thoughtful card is cool, too.
My husband and I compromised when we got married. He would have been happy with a backyard BBQ and the Justice of the Peace at the courthouse, while I wanted a regular wedding ceremony and a reception. We got married in a local historical village in a gazebo next to a river. It was a September wedding and the gazebo that we were in had climbing roses all around us. We didn’t need any other decoration other than what Mother Nature gave.
We decided to have just our parents, siblings, and nieces and nephews, along with my best friend. That still added up to twenty people. At the last minute, my aunt, uncle, cousin, her husband, and their baby showed up. They are wonderful people and I love them dearly, but it created problems because my husband’s mom questioned why I had extra relatives there and my husband couldn’t. Also, my aunt probably wondered why my dad’s brother and his family was there, but my mom’s sister (her) didn’t get invited. She never said a word, but I’m sure it hurt her feelings. It was one of those difficult situations where you can’t exactly throw people out, they are close family and we love them, but their presence created hurt feelings for others. My husband had wanted a very small ceremony with just immediate family.
Anyhow… we kept the reception to around 125 people, and it was one of the best times I’ve ever had. His family… my family… partying together. We didn’t do the garter toss, the cake smashing, the bouquet toss… or any type of receiving line. We took all of the photos before the ceremony. A Justice of the Peace did marry us, and the ceremony was done in 15 minutes. We went straight to the reception hall so that people didn’t have to wait around. Ate, partied, called it a night. Good times.
I think that no matter what you do, someone will call you tacky and be upset. I’m sure that some of the people who weren’t invited to the ceremony thought that we were tacky. If I’m given a choice between what will make my husband happy and what will make second cousin Phyllis happy, guess what choice I’m going to make? If you are that upset about how things are done, there’s always the option to decline the invitation. On the other hand, I’m sure that there were people who were relieved to not attend the wedding and just get straight to the food, liquor, and dancing (guys, I’m looking at you).
We still use our wedding china, by the way. If you have any at home, pull it out and use it! When my folks and sister come over for dinner, I sometimes use the china. It’s not just for the holidays.
Apparently, it’s been considered gauche to include a registry card since, way, way before the internet ever existed, but that doesn’t mean it’s uncommon. Fundraising events are also supposed to be etiquette no-nos, but they’re practiced all the time too, along with cake slamming and the money dance (both of which IMHO are appalling!)
Some wedding etiquette website I was reading when we first started planning our wedding suggested that the biggest increase in “acceptability” of registry cards being sent with the invitation has been a direct result of the department stores, who give you the registry cards to pass out while insisting that “Oh yes, it’s perfectly fine and totally acceptable. Trust us, we know. Thousands of couples have registered with us. Here, take extras!” because the more people who know about the registry, the greater the profit for them.
The wedding planning book we got specifically says: “If the store tells you you’re supposed to include the cards, don’t listen to them.”
::shrug:: I’ve never been offended to receive a registry card, but I’ve been pissed when every item on the list has a price tag of $200 or more.
Here’s a question: Is it bad form for the bride to wear slacks? My fiancee hates skirts, as far as anyone remembers, the last time anyone was able to get her into a dress, she was six years old. She was thinking about getting something like the third one down at this page, but one that has a jacket.
She’s very, very fit, since our lives revolve around sporting activities, so her body looks great in any of the gowns she’s tried, but when you see her try one on… she looks goofy! Just so not her. Like they fit great and can be well tailored and stuff, but it “looks all wrong.” (Yeah, I went shopping with her once, much to the melodramatic “OH, noes! The groom is seeing the bride in her gown before the wedding!” shop staff.)
Her mom agrees a gown looks really out of place on her, but an aunt (known for being an uptight wingnut) and one of her co-workers are acting like it’s the end of the world. Is it actually some major faux-pas? Will anyone (wingnut aside and she isn’t invited anyway) care?
The reason it’s tacky to include a registry card with a wedding invitation is because it implies that bringing a gift is necessary in order to attend. Showers are a different story - their whole purpose is to “shower” the honoree with gifts, and so including registry info is acceptable.
ETA: Swallowed, since it’s your wedding, I say your bride can wear anything she feels comfortable in.
I like #2! Really cool idea and she should wear what makes her happiest.
I think that can easily be solved with wording like this:
Please do not feel that bringing a gift is necessary, all we desire is your presence to help us commemorate this special day.
However, for the convenience of people who insist on honouring us with a present, we include these suggestions below (registry information follows.)
I’ve seldom been OFFENDED by a lot of what is supposed to be rude behavior. But, yes, the $200+ registry list is one that will have me rolling my eyes and giving them a nice selection of oven mitts from Target. In some cases (the, I agree, appalling dollar dance) its a matter of family tradition trumping Emily Post.
The thing that will offend me is when you are sacreligious. And I’m not a hugely religious person. But if you have avoided the Catholic Church for the past ten years, made a point of talking about how much you dislike the Church, and make fun of its beliefs, and have no intention of resuming your relationship with the Church after your marriage - your wedding should NOT take place in the Basilica, no matter how nice the building is, or how much it would disappoint Grandma if you got married in front of a JP.
I like the first two best. I think they’re awesome. Of course it’s not some major faux-pas - it’s not like she’s telling the guests to show up in white tie and then she slouches down the aisle in her Guns N’Roses Appetite for Destruction World Tour t-shirt and cutoffs. It’s perfectly appropriate to wear something she feels comfortable in that fits the formality of the occasion - those suits are perfectly bridal. (But 1 or 2! I like them much better than the “sort of pants” 3. They’re so sharp!)
But… that’s what I was gonna wear.
Oh, I forgot to say that the outfit we were looking at was like #3 but without the part that looks like it’s trying to be half of a skirt. It was hard to find something quickly in a Google search. Here, the outfit we like best so far is almost identical to this but in white(ish).
But thanks for the support everyone. Pretty much everyone close to us who’ve ehard are supportive, there are just a couple people who think it’s downright awful for the bride to be in anything other than a dress.