Oh, but what KIND of Star Trek freak are you? An original series purist? A mainly TNG guy? Or someone who is so into it they actually read books?
Do you agree that “All Good Things” was the best episode ever?
I had this horrible witch of a neighbor across the street from me. Wrote a letter the first week we moved in about needed to pressure clean our sidewalk, and it just got much worse from there. One night we had company so I had to park in the street, but I made sure not to park directly behind her driveway so she could still get out with ease. I figured even though she’s a bitch, no sense in me being one too.
So the next day I walk out to leave for work and she’s out there and yells at me about where I parked and that she has a bum arm and it was hard for her to turn the wheel to get out. I pointed out that maybe she shouldn’t be driving if she can’t perform as simple a task as turning the steering wheel. Then it happened. She screamed as loud as she could, “YOU’RE A PROSTITUTE!!!” And I called laughed and laughed.
Oops, that should be “needing to pressure clean.” ::Must preview slower::
I was driving a bunch of Mississippi Blues musicians on tour, (Jellyroll Kings and RL Burnside) and messed up the directions around Abilene, TX. It was late at night, driving between gigs, tired, and I had to do a weird turn around to get back on the right road. Pretty much everyone was asleep in the van, but I started to explain my road fuckup, and did something I really hate to hear: up-inflected my speech like I was Black MSSPI.
Can’t remember my exact words, but Sam Carr,in his seventies, piped up from the back: “Hell, if I fucked up my driving like that, I’d wanna be Black, too!”
Made me crack up laughing then, and still does.
Realizing that might not make so much sense as said: what Sam meant was he heard me under stress breaking , as a little white gal in a van full of older Black guys, trying to fit in better and not have the fuckup noticed much. Pretty funny.
DS9, and I spent my afternoon rereading The Siege and the DS9 Technical Manual.
It was less an insult, but still equally baffling/hilarious.
Standing in the queue to board a tram, an old* woman starts creeping up the inside edge, trying to push her way to the front. So I turned to her, and this exchange followed…
Me: “Excuse me, there’s a line here”
Her: “I was waiting here too”
Me: “I know that, but so were the rest of us.”
Her: “I have every right to get on the tram”
Me: “That’s true, but so do the rest of us who were waiting in line…”
Her: “Well… You don’t know where I want to sit!!!”
Me: 
:smack: “And I don’t really give a shit either”
“You don’t know where I want to sit” has become somewhat of a catchphrase in our household now.
- I say “old” in that she was a retiree. She certainly wasn’t frail or in need of assistance/priority seating otherwise I would have bitten my tongue.
The best one I can remember being lobbed at me was a frustrated “You’re not the smartest tool in the shed, are you?”
My most recent ex, myself, and my roommate were hanging out at my house the other day, and my roommate was calling his mom in Japan and speaking Japanese to her. My ex kept joking about how he was probably saying awful things about us, and after the phone call was over she asked him what he said. He said, trying to think on his feet and not entirely succeeding, “I told her you laugh like a…like a…like a WHORE!” She and I throw that one at each other at times.
A Chargers player (I forgot who) said a couple years ago that the best trash talk he ever had the pleasure of being on the receiving end of was when he got hit and the linebacker screamed “ASK YOUR MAMA HOW THAT FEELS!”
I was walking along the beach in Oxnard, CA one time. As I passed a small group of surf punks, one of them called out: “Hey, dude, where’s the chowder?”
I mean, maybe it was an insult of some kind. I really haven’t a clue.
In middle school, I was a smart, fat, brown-nosing geek (still am). There was some event at the school during the summer, and afterwards I snacked on mulberries from a mulberry tree growing on the side of the school. A number of kids didn’t know what mulberries were, and a couple said the berries were poisonous. A popular girl walked past me with her posse, looked straight at me and snarled, “I hope you die from eating those berries.” I just started laughing.
My best comeback was also in middle school, when I bent over to pick something up and a boy who happened to be sitting behind me said, “Get your ass out of my face!”
“Get your face out of my ass!” I replied.
Wow, that’s deep. I just started watching DS9, but I’ve been mainly a TNG guy. But reading the books, man… that’s just…
Anyway, on topic: someone whom I must have offended in traffic once shouted at me “Your ass is grass.” This was only a few years ago.
I just laughed, but thought to myself an equally pitiful insult: “1985 called, it wants its insults back.” Yeah. Terrible. But at least I had the sense to not shout out the first stupid thing that came to mind.
Back when I was working in the Gommint District as a showroom model, I had a mad crush on one of the buyers, Peter. One day I showed him some of my most glamorous modeling shots, and he looked at them–looked at me–looked at them–then whipped off his glasses and said, “Why, Miss Golden–without my glasses on, you’re beautiful!”
Is it any wonder I had a mad crush on him?
Back in elementary school the principal (the Sister Superior, actually, the Head Nun, since this was a Catholic School) was walking by a group of us in a line, and suddenly turned to me and said:
“[CalMeacham], you’re so smart, you’re dumb!!”
…and then she turned and proceeded briskly on her way. To this day I have no idea why she said it, or what she intended by it.
…
There’s a song by the Northern Pikes called She Ain’t Pretty, She Just Looks That Way.
The full lyrics are here; however one particularly fun bit goes:
I dated a guy for a while who told me that I reminded him of that song (or that song reminded him of me).
Now THAT’S some funny shit - I mean - you want to put a song in your man’s heart - maybe just not that one, ya know what I mean?
One of my cousins is 12 years younger than me, and I used to babysit him regularly. When he was very little, his gravest insult was to call someone a “mangy twilight.” This, to his 4-year-old mind, apparently carried all the weight of “fuck you, asshole,” only he didn’t know those words.
Mangy twilight.
Many years later, thinking he was old enough to see the humor in that particular insult, I jokingly called him a mangy twilight during a card game… and really hurt his feelings. I didn’t try that again until he was 16, and THEN he laughed with me.
I had stopped into a bar with a couple of friends before a concert and the Angels and Yankees were on the tv. This was 2002, the year the Angels won the World Series and this turned out to be the game where the Angels eliminated the Yankees from the playoffs. I’m a diehard Red Sox fan, so when the Angels won, I looked across the bar at my friends and did the victory fist move. This pissed off a couple of Yankee fans in the bar. One of them said to me “What? You’re not a Yankee fan? What are you? A communist?” I said, "No, a Sox fan, " and walked out of the bar. He was so incensed that he followed me into the street screaming “COMMUNIST! COMMUNIST!” That was really weird.
Do excuse me, sir, but that was a misplaced modifier. After all, it was not one of your friends who was doing the correcting.
–gigi, nitpicking big bastard when it comes to grammar 
Once a campus preacher called me a contentious witch. I loved that. I mean, maybe I am, but is that
a bad thing? 
My brother’s ex-girlfriend used to refer to everyone she was annoyed with, including occasionally me, as a “feeble beast”.
I had the following exchange with my boss at the time after he compared my band to Blood, Sweat and Tears:
OneCentStamp: Christ, you’re old.
**Boss: ** I may be old, but you’re short and before you know it, you’ll be old too.
OneCentStamp: <burn>
I know there are a hundred variations on that particular comeback, but he just tossed it off so quickly and smoothly that I was dumbfounded. And, for the record, I’m not even short! I can’t help it if everyone under six feet tall looked the same to that behemoth.