When I was in the 7th grade my mother called me incorrigible. I asked what it meant, she told me to look it up, but I didn’t know how to spell it. So the next day I go to my language arts teacher and tell her what happened and could she please tell me what it meant, she responded “Tell your mother she is absolutely right.” It took me forever to find out what that word meant, everyone I asked just laughed and agreed.
I recently asked my husband to do something for be because I was being ridiculously lazy. He told me the cheese must have fallen off my cracker a long time ago if I thought he was going to do that.
He also refers to stupid people as “twice as dumb as dog shit.”
At a college party, years ago, I half-drunk and jokingly suggested to a lesbian acquaintance that she and I “retire to a secluded room and try out heterosexual intercourse.” The joke part was that I knew she was a lesbian and she knew I knew she was a lesbian, and I knew she knew I was straight, so it was just supposed to be a verbal tease and not a real suggestion.
She took serious offense, however, apparently at even the suggestion that I regarded her as a possible sexual partner, even in passing. Her reply was, verbatim, (and spoilered due to profanity):
“Jesus fucking Christ, keep your slimy fucking cock away from me, you asshole.”
And then she stormed off, and at all subsequent encounters for the entire time we were in school, she would only glare at me or ignore me entirely.
I remember her retort quite clearly because at first I was shocked at her overreaction. Then I felt a little sorry for intruding on what was apparently a very sensitive issue for her.
And then I just busted out laughing at the irony.
“Wait, who’s ‘slimy’ again?” I yelled out after her.
The only thing I can think of is those extremely book-smart people who are also really, really lacking in common sense or social skills. However, I don’t know why she’d pop out with that comment without any triggering incident.
My husband is 6’4" and pretty much considers anyone shorter than 6’ to be “short.” Even me, and I’m 5’9", which isn’t bad at all for a woman.
I was dumbfounded when I was called Oprah Winfrey. First, I’m a white male. A few years ago, due to a thyroid disorder & trying to get straightened out on my medicine, my weight rapidly change. I went from 238 to 180 in 13 weeks. Then within about 6 months, I went up to 220, down to 190, & up to 220 again before leveling out at 210.
So one night I’m arguing with my now ex-wife. I must have insulted her when she said, “Oh, yeah . . . you’re Oprah Winfrey!”
I didn’t make the connection right off. I looked at her a few seconds and said, “What?”
She said, “You’re Opah Winfrey. You’re just like her. First she’s fat, then she loses weight. Then she’s fat. You can’t make up your mind with your weight. You’re Oprah Winfrey.”
What was hilarious, though, was the look on her face. She had a look as though she was really burning me with a good one. I said, “Yeah, good one. I’m Oprah Winfrey.” Then I laughed, which only pissed her off more.
Not a real insult since it was your typical male banter, but a friend of mine had responded to something I said by calling me a homo. Another friend, apparently stepping to my defense said “he’s not gay…but he’s the type of guy who’d hold a cock in his mouth until the swelling goes down.”
Yeah, we’re idiots, but damn if we’d didn’t laugh over that one for a while.
I’m a fat, pasty, curly-haired girl with a baby face, who at one point had braces and glasses (er…this was like when I was 25!)
I was being dragged around a stupid nightclub area of downtown on a Saturday night, and some meathead jerk said to his buddies “Hey, it’s Jack Osbourne!” and laughed.
I had one from a student evaluation form, as well. Most of mine are usually good comments, but every so often I have some students who are disgruntled about having to take the course (computer programming) in the first place. This comment came from a guy who wasn’t doing too well in the class. In large lettering, he wrote:
MR. <MONSTRE> IS A PRIC !!
Apparently programming wasn’t his only weak subject…
On the grade school playground long ago, this one kid surely wanted to call me a fag. But we were young enough to still be unclear on the terminology:
*
“You’re a FAD!”*
I came to the U.S. shortly before beginning 5th grade. As a result, I had to learn a lot of social skills in a few weeks, one of which was dressing appropriately for the occasion.* I went from a Central American Catholic school (uniforms required) to a SoCal public school where designer jeans and legwarmers ('81-82) were de rigueur. My grandma made me a special pink dress to wear to school on Valentine’s day, which I did, not knowing any better. My teacher complimented me, or so I thought, and one of my Jordache-wearing classmates remarked to her, “Lucky dresses like my poodle.” :o
In 9th grade math class, a group of us were talking to the teacher, when he mentioned an upcoming school dance. I called out “Let’s party!” as a joke, and one of the boys said, “Lucky’s idea of partying is making a batch of Kool-aid and putting on the Brady Bunch.” I didn’t think it was very funny at the time, but I laugh now, as I realize I’m a major introvert and always have been.
But the funniest insult I’ve ever heard, hands down, was reported to me by my brother. Years ago, he overheard two preschoolers arguing, and one said to the other the meanest thing he could think of, which was, “You play with your shoe!”
*Some would say I have yet to perfect this skill.
Girl: You’re stupid!
Me: I disagree. On the contrary, I believe YOU are stupid.
Girl: You’re wearing stupid pants!
Me: You’re wearing the same pants.
Girl: Stupid!
I laughed my little ass off.
My friend and I had the whole ‘You’re a <word>’ going for a while
L: Man, this is stupid
S: You’re stupid!
L: Your face is stupid!
S: Ya MUM’S stupid!
L: YA MUM’S FACE IS STUPID!!
And that’s an example of a good bout. A bad bout is when <word> = flat soda
Years ago, grad school in Chemistry. This guy was giving a presentation on a calorimeter he’d invented.
Calorimetry values in the literature (ok, in the CRC Handbook… does anybody use another reference) are pretty bad; errors about 10% don’t faze anybody. The calorimeter invented by this guy was equally bad, but he kept saying that it was very good because it gave 16 decimals. OK, so he’d hooked it up to a 'puter, the 16 decimals came simply from the computer but 15 of those decimals were wild guesses; he still had a lousy level of error.
So I’m asking him why is having 15 guessed numbers any good and, this is the question that prompted the insult, “what is it good for, what have we learned that we didn’t know”.
One of the professors told me: “miss, with those questions, you sound like an engineer!”
Me: “I’m one, actually, glad you noticed!” (Yeah, my Licenciatura is in ChemEng… I chose grad school in Chem because it paid enough to live on it, d’uh!)
My favorite insult that I have ever recieved was admittedly not delievered in total seriousness, but it still makes me laugh none the less. I was having a discussion with my youngest sister (16 at the time) in which there was a minor disagreement and I refered to something she said as being stupid (or something along those lines)
sister: You’re stupid!
me: sigh As always you are a master of repartee.
sister: Your moms a master of repartee!
When I was really young, a friend and I were taunting another kid. My friend and I were plotting our next attack, and we wanted to come up with something even more scathing that “stupid dumb dumb head.” My friend came up with a real zinger – we could make fists and extend our ring fingers. He wasn’t quite sure what it meant, but he was pretty certain that it was really bad.
So off we went on our attack, ring fingers held high. Our foe countered with an extended index finger, as if to say “No, I’ll poke your eyes out!”
Back in the day, "dog" was an epithet to describe someone who was ugly. As in "That Shelley Winters is a real dog."
When I was in sixth grade, one classmate brought in his pet beagle for show and tell. The dog was running free around the room and came up to me so I could pet him. Seeing this, a snot-nosed (and not terribly attractive) girl remarked "They only go up to their own kind!" She may as well have said "Here boy! I have bacon!"
Justice is a bitch. :D
When I was in second grade, a boy in my class told me that I used my cooter for a hot dog bun. He didn’t mean it sexually, either; you could tell by the look on his face that he was giving me his A game, insult-wise.
