Most hilarious insults that have been directed at YOU.

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
61

I cannot believe that Calvin would say that kind of thing. Hobbes wouldn’t let him.

When I was in college, I was hosting a visiting high-school senior one weekend. It became pretty obvious that we had very little in common, but I gave it my best shot and tried to see that he had a good on-campus experience. Apropos of nothing, not long before he left, he blurted out, “You know who you remind me of? Mr. Howell from Gilligan’s Island.” I was stunned. I’m sure he didn’t mean it to be insulting; he just couldn’t help himself.

I tend to be pretty precise about stuff, though. A friend once affectionately dubbed me “Anal Boy,” and it stuck. She still calls me that now and then.

62

One day, I cordially introduced myself to an older man who had just started up at my workplace.

I was completely taken aback when he shook my hand and said: “Trish? Is that short for meretricious?”

63

Yeah. Spelled just like that, too.

64

Oh my god! :eek: What did you say in reply to that?

65

My best friend and I were once in long line at a movie theater. A group of teenage girls came up to us and asked if they could cut in line.

“No, sorry,” said my friend. “The people behind us have been waiting for a long time, too.”

The girl who had asked crumpled up her face in anger and spat out, “Well, you’re FAT!”

My friend looked down at her body and then back up at the girl with an expression of horrified shock on her face. “My God, you’re RIGHT!” she gasped.

The rest of the people in line burst out laughing at this and the girls stomped away to the back of the line.

My Hubby’s favorite insult was delivered to him by an inmate in the prison in which he. The inmate was involved in a fight when Hubby and a friend happened to be walking by. They pulled the inmate off of the guy he was beating. “Let me go, you JCPenny-wearin’ motherfucker!” the inmate barked.

Hubby says he burst out laughing and so did everyone else in the room. The inmate who’d said it had to fight to supress a grin. The fight was over, broken up by humor more than anything.

66

Not directed at me, but many years ago I used to work for the public school system, at the elementary school level.

During playground supervision duty, a little 8 year old boy came running over to tell me and the other adult supervising that another third grader had delivered him a scathing insult.

“He called me THE “G” WORD!!!”

Other adult and I exchange glances, and think for a moment, running the list of possibilities through our heads. Dying of curiosity, one of us asks, “The “G” word? What exactly did he call you?”

Small boy looks at us with a look of utter indignation on his little face, and proclaims, “He called me a…JACKASS!!!”

I still laugh at that to this day.

67

My favorite one so far was this, uttered seriously, by a friend’s new wife to me:

68

I think I was insulted by my 8 year old nephew the other day.

We were watching a movie, and there were hula dancers. He said very seriously to me, “Don’t try that, you don’t have the hips for it.”

69

I smiled as politely as I could through a dizzy red fog and said, “Of course.” The other people standing around at the time were unlikely to know the meaning of the word, and I didn’t want to give him the opportunity to define it for them. Also, I was quite literally stunned, as though this complete stranger had slapped me. He went on his way. He wasn’t long for the department, and I rarely had to run into him during his short time there. He was just your typical blowhard. :rolleyes:

It doesn’t bother me anymore. Years ago I decided to take the sting out of it by making it my own little 8 Mile self-revelatory property, so whenever I the right opportunity presents itself I’ll say, “Hey, I put the Trish in meretricious.”

70

I’ve never been insulted by anyone particularly witty that I can think of (which might speak for the quality of people I manage to piss off…)…

But one insult, which has been hurled at me many times, makes me laugh, mostly for it’s lack of wit…or even observational ability:

‘DYKE!’

No matter how many times someone yells that at me, I always have to stop and giggle.

I’m male. I don’t THINK I look particularly female (what with the facial hair and all).

And yet… More than once, I’ve had someone call me a dyke.

(Then again, maybe they were trying to compare me to a wall built to hold back waters. I am fairly large…)

71

I’ll never forget 9th grade, when George the meathead mocked me in the changing room for spending so much time with the drama-club girls:

“Go hang out with the girls, fag.”

He managed to put so much contempt and scorn into the word “girls.” Clearly only a homo could bear to spend any time in their company.

72

My mother has been an elementary school teacher for 35 years. One day, as she was patrolling the schoolyard on recess, one of the grade two kids ran up to her crying.

“Stephen called me the “R” word!!!”

Mom was completely flummoxed. She comforted the kid and then went in search of Stephen. When she found him, she said, “Stephen, did you call her the “R” word?” Stephen nodded, shamefaced. “Well, you shouldn’t call people the “R” word.”

Then, unable to resist, she leaned in and said, “How do you spell the “R” word, Stephen?”

The answer?

R-S. Apparently, we’ve Canadianized “arse”.

73

Am I the only one who had to look up “meretricious”?

:stuck_out_tongue:

74

Nope.

75

Nuh-uh.

76

When I was in kindergarten or first grade, I told a classmate that believing in Santa Clause was “immature,” which of course isn’t funny at all. But my classmate then ran to the teacher to tell her I’d used a bad word!

77

Nice! Hmmm…

“I put the Gwen in … exsanguinous?” my dying words as I bleed out?

I thought meretricious meant lying but now I see it’s worse than that :eek:

78

Woah.

79

Oh, oh, I got a couple!!!

My g/f is always screwing something up (though I love her dearly for it), and I usually call her on it. For example, in one trip to the grocery store which lies about 5 minutes away(which she’d also been to before), she’d managed to get us lost; when I said take a right at the next light, she turned at the next road (maybe she heard “right?”).

Me: You suck at directions!

We go shopping, and she insists on keeping track of the exact dollar amounts for the products we’re buying to keep under budget instead of using my round up just to be safe method. Of course, she forgot to carry a one and we go over-budget.

Me: You suck at math!
Her: Can you go one day without telling me I suck at something?!
Me: I dunno… can you go one day without sucking at something?

Best part was that she was incredibly pissed until I said my retort, then she started cracking up.

And while I’ve got your attention:

Same g/f, a month or so into our relationship, she was hanging out at my place and I asked her, jokingly, to go get me a soda out of the fridge even though I was substantially closer.

Her: Get it yourself!
Me: (sighing) You’re such a fag!

My eyes widened as I realized what I had just said (spent way too much time hanging out with the guys that week), but I knew she was a keeper when she started laughing hysterically.

Why is she still with me?!

80

Back in high school, some similarly dorktastic friends and I were hanging out waiting for our other friend by the ATM near the movie theater. A car load of drunken frat types rolls past and somebody leans out the window and screams “GWAR!”

I don’t know if it was an insult, an homage, what. No idea.

Anyway, the hilarious part is that the parking lot had no outlet, so they had to meekly drive past us again on their way out.