Then perhaps just let it rest. Give Cards the benefit of of the doubt in being an adult and in knowing what is best for himself. If he wants to get in a row, let him. If he wants to avoid a row, let him. If he wants to let things blow over, let him. If he wants to cut the ties for good, let him. It is his family and his his decision.
Yeah, I figured in retrospect it was a typo, as there’s no aspect of the OP that generalizes this behavior to all mothers-in-law… but I just couldn’t stop myself.
Yeah, it’s his family, and his problem, but I think it’s at least a little bit her problem too, as she’s now a part of the family and nasty infighting affects her too. His nonconfrontational MO might be the pattern the family is used to, however; she blows up, he dosen’t do anything about it, everybody sweeps it under the rug. Might not be a good or healthy pattern, but it’s the way things go in some families. I couldn’t say about the one in question, of course. She might not allow things to blow over, or she might expect them to. Personally I’d confront her over something so hurtful, though.
Also, I don’t know if there are children involved (the OP suggests not, but I dunno), but if there are, there’s obviously a lot more pressure to keep a relationship with everybody involved.
We don’t have kids. As stated above I am sterile, so there will never be kiddos. I think I prefer my cats. At least they don’t have these hormonal mood swings of you don’t call me every week therefore I never want to speak to you again episodes.
I did send her an email explaining that he really was sick and if she wanted we could provide his supervisors name and telephone number for her to verify. What I got back was “He has his own life to live and I am not included in it. Take care of my son for me.” Nothing more than she is hurt and instead of wanting to talk, she is closing the door.
I am really glad this isn’t my own mother. It would be a long ass drive to knock on her door to figure out what bug she had up her arse.
In her email she stated that when they do talk, he talks to her like he would some stranger on the street. Well, if you don’t talk to someone but every 3 to 6 months what would you expect? He has no idea what has gone on in your life, nor you his. My husband works retail, so he works a lot of nights closing the store. My MIL is an early bird likes me only she is in bed by 8pm. She also plays golf or goes to the club what seems like 7 days a week when she is in town, and she happens to travel a lot. I guess what I am getting to, is she isn’t the easiest person in the world to get a hold of. You can leave a voice message for her to call you back, but then when she does call you can’t talk because you are now busy. So how is this all my husband’s fault again?
My mother and I talk once a week, if I get so wrapped up in schedules and forget to call her, she calls me. If we go two weeks because both of us get overwhelmed, then we laugh about one of us losing the number or breaking our dialing finger. I don’t expect my MIL to be more like my mom, but I think it is unreasonable to expect us to just sit around the house waiting for her schedule to clear up so we can call her.
Before her mother passed away, I recall that my MIL use to go nuts trying to appease her mother. Her mother was always nagging, fussing whatever. I think this whole thing stems from the fact that my MIL does not want to seem like the nagging/bitchy/intruding mother and refuses to pick up the phone and make a phone call to see how her son and his wife are doing. She fully expects him to do all the calling, and when he doesn’t call she gets hurt.
I am sure things will work it’s way out. I just find the way she is handling this immature and completely unreasonable. Sometimes it is hard to tell the parent from the child. :rolleyes:
Your mil sounds a little like my grandma. You always have to come to her. Occasionally she’ll comment about me not having been home for a while, and I just want to say, “You know, the roads run both ways. If you can go to Hawaii for three weeks, you could make the trip down here if you really wanted to see me that badly. It ain’t like you’ve got anything more pressing than watching soaps and bickering with Grandpa on your schedule.” At least I don’t get the piteous “I just wanted to make sure you were still alive,” phone calls my mom gets when she goes a week without calling.
This is my mother. After living on my own for twenty three years and being the baby of the family, I just tend to ignore the snip. The woman is in her late seventies so I cut her some slack even if she is annoying.
I know after she passes away, I am going to really miss her phone calls to check to see if I am okay or not.
Well, as a group the Teeming Millions would probably Pit your MIL, but me…
I’d just send her a terse note saying, essentially, “Fine. If you’re going to accuse us a liar, be completely selfish and pout like a child, do us a favor and don’t call us until you grow up.”
I have a wonderful friendship with my Mom, and if she behaves wrongly, I tell her.
My wife and MIL on the other hand, wait until things become major psychological problems before criticising each other’s behavior, and then it become a huge scene when an issue comes up, because the smallest thing will unleash a flood of hurt and resentment.
Personally, I prefer people either be frank about things, or else avoid contact with me altogether.
Good Lord - I don’t know your hubsand’s history with your mother-in-law, but that sounds awfully manipulative and melodramatic to me. I can just see an older lady, lounging on a chaise, one arm thrown over her eyes, phone in the other hand, saying, “No, no, that’s all right. I know you don’t love me. Even when you were a child you were cruel. (Oh! The agony!) But your cruelty is my cross to bear no more! Now that you are older, I can tell you the truth - you’re meanie-pie and really bad at faking sickness. Goodbye, son, and good day.” Hangs up the phone
Jeez. I can’t imagine how someone who isn’t feeling well can illustrate that over the phone, short of retching noises in the background. I wouldn’t burn bridges with her yet, but if I were in the same situation, I would definitely confront her.
Good luck to you!
Slight correction - obviously, your husband will want to confront her rather than you doing it herself. Either way, good luck to both of you, and I hope your husband feels better.
Yeah, when I have a problem with my mom, I come out and tell her she is being totally unreasonable, and yes I have told my mother she was being a total bitch if she was being one. She has never faulted me for that, only acknowledging the fact that yes she was indeed a bit hormonal. If my mom has a problem with me, God help my ears because she will also let me know. Just to let you know, my mother and I have a great relationship to this day. We have had our rough spots but through the years, but I still adore the woman for her courage and independence. She is full of piss and vinegar to this day, and she is in her late 70s.
My MIL however is a new case I am not use to dealing with. It seems she is taking the psychological route and playing a few mind games with us. I am honestly not use to someone being manipulative and melodramatic, only because my family was so upfront.
She just totally baffles the hell out of me. I really hate to see either of them burn a bridge and regret it after one of them dies. In the meantime…I think I will just get a bag of popcorn and watch the fireworks.
It sounds like she thrives on drama.
Don’t give her any. Do not attempt to contact her via e-mail or phone. She completely overreacted and read something into a situation that never existed except in her mind.
She said, “Take care of my son.” Do so. Sooner or later, the drama junkie will come find you because her life is too boring and she needs to be the victim again.
You know that is what is so weird. For eight years, there has been no drama that I can think of. So I am really unsure of where this is coming from. I am not sure where the wrong doing on our part is.
Cardsfan and I, told her three years ago had it not been for me, he would be known as the “cat man” on the block. Cardsfan would turn into a hermit collecting whatever stray cats came along. We really were not joking. He really is not the social type. He does not make friends easily. He hates crowds. He is pretty much a loner. Only he finds me incredibility funny. I am not the needy type so our relationship works out fine. In fact I find him pretty funny as well.
Cardsfan isn’t perfect by any means, but he is always there when I need him which is more important to me than anything else. I really think his mom needs to grow up.
I’m with kittenblue. While mom-in-law’s behavior is unacceptable, you still could’ve left a message. “Card’s not feeling well, woulda liked to talk to his mom. And, by the way, happy birthday! Give us a call, today if you can.” Something noncommittal, but that would’ve given her some of a heads up.
Although, wow, it does seem like it’s a really distant relationship anyway.
Good luck to you - nothing like family to really bring down your day.
I hadn’t realized you didn’t leave a message, Tiggrkitty. (Sorry - I’m a lazy reader sometimes.) While I think your MIL’s behavior was a little crazy, I can understand her being upset that her son didn’t bother to wish his step-father happy birthday. As Snickers suggested, you could have at least left a message saying, “Just wanted to call and say Happy Birthday! I hope you’re having a wonderful day!” or some such at least to acknowledge his special day. It wouldn’t have given anything away.
Regardless, she really flipped out, and to cut off a relationship with someone over such a thing is petty and overly dramatic.
DON’T contact your MIL.
If you contact her to try to make the peace, not only will you possibly (probably?) upset CardsFan, but you’ll probably reinforce the perception in MIL’s mind that he doesn’t want anything to do with her.
Prod him to take the first step.
Sometimes, I’ve found (in dealing with my own dysfunctional family) that it’s best sometimes just to forget something happened and move on.
Otherwise, one or the other will always hold the (percieved or real) transgression in reserve and wait for the right moment to spring out with it and smite the offender.
Oh we did leave that message. We just didn’t leave a “we won’t be able to come to your party tonight message”.
And for an update: We were just informed that Cardsfan’s grandfather on his father’s side passed away today. Pretty rotten week, so far.
Well, in that case, your MIL is just crazy. 
On another note, I’m so sorry for your and your husband’s loss, and I hope things get better. Pretty cold comfort coming from someone you’ve never met, but best of luck to you and your family.