An impression is not based on factually going through anything. It’s about a general, intuitive feeling you get. That’s why it’s called an impression. If that impression is wrong, then you have failed to communicate properly. It is on you to fix the problem, not on the other person to go back through and reread the thread.
But I have read it myself, and you have made nothing but adversarial comments since the first post. Not once have you acknowledged anyone else’s perspective unless you were arguing with it. You definitely have not shown any learning from the people who tell you you are taking things way too seriously. Not even a single thanks for someone’s opinion.
I mean, you brought up crap about Magiver from other threads. You argued with a guy who you thought was agreeing with you. And then you got upset that someone noticed that you were being repeatedly argumentative. You are missing the forest for the trees.
At first I disagreed with people saying you were taking this too seriously. I read your first post as just a casual question about a social situation you were unfamiliar with. But your subsequent posts have given me the impression that you do in fact care way too much about small details.
The impression the guy gave was accurate. The exact details don’t matter. You are indeed responding in this thread in an adversarial manner, rather than giving any indication of plans to take any of the advice offered. You haven’t even argued with that advice, just with people who offered their opinion that happened to differ from yours.
No, because you continued the conversation. She has the right to keep asking until you end the conversation. You should have just continued on and did what you needed to do. She might have said one more thing, but you should have ignored her and went on with your business.
And, note, this post was not here when I posted my previous comment. Don’t ask me why that happens, but it does. My post does accurately describe all previous comments by you, save for one where you were helping someone else defend your actions. The point is, you were always defending your actions, not showing an intent to learn from them.
Also note that I responded intentionally in a manner similar to the way you seem to prefer to speak… At no point was I intending to sound angry–even though I must admit that your replies were a bit frustrating, seeing something that seemed so simple to me fly right over your head.
I did not say that they formed an impression based on factually going through something. I said that if they factually go through something, they will discover that their impression is wrong.
That is only true if I care to fix the problem. In this case, I don’t see it as a problem worth fixing unless my interlocutor signals a willingness to work with me. Without such a signal, I predict that my attempts to fix the problem will fail. There are only so many hours in the day.
This is true. I did not respond to the sympathizers, I only responded to the one or two people who said things I thought were wrong or unfair.
How seriously am I taking this?
I am not sure what you’re referring to.
I don’t see any good advice on the thread. (A version of the longer story about Japan might work.) But the thing is, I didn’t ask for advice. I asked if I was being rude, sure. The arguments a couple of people gave that I was indeed rude, though, were really bad arguments that contained a lot of unjustified assumptions about me.
Frylock, I know you’re just an average guy but you used to be one of my absolute favorite posters on this board when I first started here. You’ve begun a spiraling descent into head-shaking territory that is leaving me puzzled and concerned for you. I hope your life turns around and you start feeling better soon. And I hope the quality of your posting returns to what it used to be.
Okay, then give me some advice. How do you end a conversation like this without being rude? As far as I can tell, each of the things I said in the conversation was intended to end the conversation. How was this not clear, and how can I be more clear about it–again, without being rude or abrupt?
How do I turn around and put my back toward the person talking to me without this being incredibly rude?
Explain please. What specifically (not vague impressions) do you find objectionable in this thread? Go find a post and tell me, with specific references, what you think I did wrong?
First off, I don’t think you have done anything “wrong.” When I said “head-shaking” I was talking about the fact that I can no longer look forward to a thread or post by Frylock with the wide-eyed enthusiasm I used to.
But to give you some examples of what is making me clearly see that you have problems, your bullishness right here is a good example. Demanding that people (me included) give you certain things in responses and putting words my mouth.
Even posting this thread in the first place seems a bit off-putting. It’s the sort of thing that you should just shrug off and not let it bother you for more than a second or two. It seems oddly whiny and attention-seeking. If you had posted it as a rant against the crazy woman who wouldn’t let you eat your noodles in The BBQ Pit, I would have laughed and not thought twice about it and probably posted support. But the fact that you seem to be genuinely questioning things and wondering if there’s some deep flaw you have seems to show that you have some real problems with self-confidence and general awareness of things.
I’m not trying to criticize you though, honestly. I think you’re a cool guy and I hope that whatever funk you are in in your life at the moment fades away. I am sorry that you had such a weird social interaction that ruined your day.
I want to come back to this. Some people say it’s too much. Several others think it’s the right approach. It is much, much more disclosive* than my usual personal style would dictate. But I do think some version of it is probably the right thing to do here. I did not adequately communicate how important it was to me** to eat the stuff I came in with. I can’t quite imagine going through the whole story like this but… something to chew on.
My first thought on reading the post quoted above was that it was too much, that I can’t take the advice, but that LinusK was perfectly constructive in offering it so there was no reason to signal I had a problem with his advice. But it keeps coming up and this caused me to rethink it. Glad I did.
*this word got redlined so I guess it’s not a real word. Feels real to me.
**Oh god now you’re all going to think it was like super, super incredibly important that grouchy troll Frylock must eat crappy udon or he will EXPLODE. No, it was not like that. When I say “how important it was” I mean "more important than grabbing the trimmings of the end of a “pitch in”, I don’t mean “more important than the most important thing in the word” so please do not latch on to this as some others have above and pretend you think you know I’m a terrible person who eats awful things and is some kind of emotional monster about it.
Drewtwo, this is very frustrating. I care if someone has a bad impression of me who used to have a good impression of me. I’m not going to pretend to be tough about that. I care, okay? But then what you just said above is like, literally, completely unfounded by the post you quoted! I literally, explicitly, did not demand, I very clearly requested. And no where in the post do I characterize you as having done anything but find something I did “objectionable” and surely you don’t object to that characterization?!
True. Is this a problem? Is this what you’re disappointed in?
This kind of concern is coming to the surface because I am facing the prospect of doing a lot of judgy socializing, soon, which will have an effect of the quality of the rest of the lives of me an my family, in a completely totalizing way. So yes, my latent concerns about my performance in social situations is coming to the fore. This is exacerbated by the fact that last year I lost out on a job because of fucking eye contact. (You may recall the thread.) So if you want to know where it’s coming from, there it is. But if this just makes you cringe and feel all “TMI” and not like me so much anymore, then I can only apologize. Here I am, and I have no other outlet for discussions like this so I am afraid you will need to stay out of IMHO threads that I start.
Here I go again but “if you read the OP carefully” you’ll see that I clearly communicated that my day had already been ruined.
Lemme just say something else here. I want to be clear that, as far as I know, everyone at work likes me, and for sure, I like everyone at work. I’m the kind of guy who some people find off-putting at first (due to, you know, awkward) but that everyone figures out is unthreatening, basically kind and constructive, and valuable to hear advice from, and those kinds of things. Please don’t get the impression from what I’ve said (or from what others have said about me in this thread on no basis) that I’m some kind of ugly troll hiding in my office at work who people avoid or who ruins every interaction or anything like that. From some things people have said I’m afraid some of you are thinking things in this direction. It’s the wrong direction to think. It’s far from the truth.
Okay I see you’re talking about the use of my word “wrong.” I didn’t mean you thought I’d done something morally objectionable. I meant you thought I did something in this thread that I shouldn’t have done. That was, in some way, a bad idea. This is true, isn’t it? You said I spiraled into head-shaking territory. That implies, doesn’t it, that you thought I’d posted things that, ideally, I wouldn’t have posted, right?
Frylock, what happened to you on this thread happens to me sometimes, and it always astounds me. I ask what I think is a pretty simple question and the next thing I know, I’m the centerpiece in a food fight. I don’t get it.
Anyway, to answer your original question, she was rude keep pushing. As for how you could end the convo without also being rude, you just sit down and start eating. If she’s still talking, look up at her periodically with a big smile until she quits and gives up.
You don’t owe her or anyone an explanation for why you’d rather eat your food than anything they’re offering. And you can hold your ground and not give in. Maybe you are a picky eater, or maybe you’re kosher, or on chemotherapy, or have food allergies, or you’re superstitious. It’s nobody’s business why you don’t want to eat. Although done communally and in public, eating is a very personal matter.
If your refusal makes someone anxious or angry, they can take it up with their therapist. You don’t have to take care of them or fix their world.
I’m not one for going along with something “just to be polite,” except in rare circumstances like if the OP is demented, particularly exalted (I’d prolly do it for the Queen of England), or holding a gun.
Miss Manners says that when turning down an invitation, all you have to say, when pressed, is, “I’m sorry. It’s just impossible.”
Thanks ThelmaLou. I tend to think about it the way you do. It is interesting to me that someone can think the opposite–that I had an obligation to accept the offer. For sure there’s some kind of cultural influence on this. But I wonder if some kind of argument from “first principles” can be made here, or if it’s just going to be a thing where different people are different.
On a first pass, it seems to me that a system whereby I can force someone to be obligated to me simply by making an offer to them is not sustainable in the long run. That’d be an argument against a view like Magivers and for a view more like yours.
Say, “OK, thanks” and then go sit down and eat your noodles.
If she comes over and tries to convince you to get more food, you smile and nod without saying anything. Repeat often enough without saying anything and she will get the message eventually.
Regards,
Shodan’s mother, who is full of advice on how to handle any social interaction short of attempted murder
Grab a hunk of whatever it is with your hand, cram it violently into your mouth (mostly), chew loudly with open-mouthed smacks while dropping crumbs down the front of your shirt, and finish with a theatrical gulping swallow and satisfied “AHHH!”
Stare directly into the person’s eyes the entire time. Eyes as wide as you can manage. I promise they’ll never trouble you again.
A polite enquiry deserves a polite response.
A stringent repetitive enquiry deserves a less polite response.
A downright rude, will-not-let-the-issue-drop enquiry deserves an even less polite response.
One key point a lot of people seem to miss is that a lot of introverts don’t have a stockpile of great social techniques to handle odd situations. The two frequently go hand in hand.
Criticizing the OP for not using something from a stockpile that might not exist is extremely surprising.
I had thought that earlier posts that suggested highly finessed responses unhelpful as the OP is unlikely to find him/herself in the same situation in the near future and be able to remember the advice. If people like the OP already had these skills or could generalize such advice, this thread wouldn’t exist.
Suggestions suitable for an introvert and/or socially less capable person seems more in line.
Criticism for not being like other people? Good grief.
but “if you read the OP carefully” you’ll see that I clearly communicated that my day had already been ruined.