Mr. French is the very devil himself

The BBQ Pit
1

So, there used to be a moderately popular and cutesy sitcom on CBS called “Family Affair.”

http://www.timvp.com/familyaf.html

It featured Sebastian Cabot, a wonderfully talented Shakespearian (who also has some great Disney credits–he played the voice of Bagheera among others) as the delightful and veddy veddy British Mr. French. The show also included Uncle Bill, played by the inimitable Brian Kieth, and the adorable redheaded moppet Jody, played by Johnnie Whitaker.

In short–it was a silly, mindless, typically late-60s sitcom.

And our friends at the WB, that stellar paragon of hideousness, that network as chock-full of sitcommy badness as a McLean Stevenson post-MAS*H retrospective, have decided it’s time for an update. The new “Family Affair” debuts this fall.

That’s not the bad part.

It still has two cute little kids in it.

That’s still not the bad part.

It’s going to be more “hip” and “edgy” than the original.

That’s not the bad part, either.

It’s added a teenaged girl to the cast.

That’s very far from the bad part, in my humble opinion.

Nope. Here’s the bad part:

The role of Uncle Bill is filled by Gary Cole.

Gary Cole. Mike Brady in the Brady Bunch movies. Sheriff Lucas Buck (“uh, that’s Buck, ma’am–with a B”) in the vastly underrated “American Gothic” series. Lumbergh for fuck’s sake!!!

Gary. Man. Come on–you can do better than this. You have talent, you have charisma and charm and great looks. I know it’s a paycheck, but please, grow some standards, willya?

And you know what?

That wasn’t really the bad part.

Nope. It gets worse.

See, the visigoths at the WB decided that it wasn’t enough to pimp Gary Cole’s career to its viewers. Oh no.

See, they needed someone to play Mr. French. He had to be in his fifties or so. Suave, yet restrained. Funny and dry, but not too abrasive. Gruff, yet lovable. And above all, as English as the Queen’s knickers. I mean, he had to be English with a capital “Eng.”

And somehow, they found one. And somehow, they convinced him to whore himself out to this trainwreck.

Ladies and gentlemen, I give you our new Mr. French:

Tim Curry.
I feel so . . . soiled.

I know, I know. Tim’s been in some real dogs. Oboy, has he ever–I’ve seen 'em. But he’s also been in some gems, and I’m truly happy to see him working.

But . . . damn. Mr. French?? On the WB??

Tim, I love you. Don’t do this. Please.

Aw, poop. I need a shower and a drink.

2

Of course Mr. French is the very devil himself; “The Twilight Zone” proved that years ago.

3

I just tell myself he’s wearing a corset and fishnets under that suit and what Mr. French does when no one else is around is far more entertaining to think about.

But if one of the kids says “Meatloaf again?” I will be forced to laugh.

4

Timmy’s looking a little puffy, isn’t he?

5

While I agree that seeing Frankie play inept foil to two precocious child stars is not my idea of art, I have to correct one thing in your rant, andros.

There was a teenage girl in the original Family Affair. Her name was Sissy, and she was Jody & Buffy’s older sister.

6

How the fuck can reasonably expect to make Family Affair ‘hip’ and ‘edgy’???

This is a mashed potato and mayonnaise on white bread sandwich. Doesn’t get any blander than that.

God knows, Tim Curry could be good in a series, if they could actually find a sitcom writer that wasn’t washed-up hack.

7

Ah, Family Affair, the Full House of its time.

8

What happens if somebody comes to a tv network with an original idea? Do they kick his ass out on the sidewalk?

9

To they explain his vast mustard empire?

Sorry :smiley: .

Well as to the OP, yet another childhood memory soiled . . . .

:frowning:

10

You’re right, jayjay, and I really did know that. It’s just that she was so bland and forgettable–like, Jan Brady on downers–in the original that I spaced her off. Whereas Sissy int he new show is going to be more of a Brittneyesque party teen. Eye candy instead of wholesome Wonderbread.
[qote]This is a mashed potato and mayonnaise on white bread sandwich.
[/quote]

Couldn’t have said it better meself, spooje.

11

See?

12

Tim Curry? Nooooooooooo!!

Oh why do you have to continually disappoint your fans, Mr. Curry. Oh why, for the love of all that is good and holy, why?

13

andros, you’re not done yet. WB felt the need to attract viewers to the new show (premiering tonight, BTW) by running a teaser for the next Harry Potter movie. Just like that Scooby Doo movie did and I’m sure I don’t need to remind you how well that worked out.

14

"Mrs. Scribe, get me the WB on the phone; I’ve got a sit-com to pitch them.

"Hello, W.B., J.S. here, have I got the project for you. Get this, a remake of “The Courtship of Eddie’s Father,” except edgier, punchier.

"We can get one of the younger Culkins (there’s still a few that haven’t reach puberty, right?) to play the kid, and we can get Robin Williams to be the wacky father. And get this: Mrs. Livingston? Let’s get Lucy Liu.

"I know, it’s brilliant.

“Have your people call my people.”

15

Now, now, now. You really are prejudging this before you’ve seen it. It could actually be quite interesting, if they allow Tim to play Mr. French in full Frank’n’furter get-up

16

JonScribe – You do realize that network executives troll the SDMB looking for horrific ideas introduced here as satire in order to fill up their lineups?

Witness a recent thread concerning the updated reality version of The Beverly Hillbillies, in which someone suggested that they might as well reverse the process and create an updated reality Green Acres. I believe it was two days later that Fox announced that it was planning such a series.

When the Robin Williams version of The Courtship of Eddie’s Father premieres, we’ll know whom to blame.

Meanwhile, to demonstrate that I know far too much about the original Family Affair, I’ll point out that the producers had planned to include a teenage daughter, a 10-year-old boy, and a six-year-old girl. But when they tested Johnnie Whitaker and Annissa Jones together, they decided that they would be cuter as twins, and the series focused more on them.

Also that Jan Brady, a.k.a. Eve Plumb, appeared in an episode of Family Affair in her pre-Brady days, playing a dying girl.

I don’t think I’ll be watching the new version, although Gary Cole and Tim Curry might make it worth a look.

17

Just watched it (well, about 10 minutes) and it sucks. Gary Cole, who is vastly underrated, is wasted in this role. I hope he’s getting a good paycheck.

Fer cryin’ out loud, it’s got a freakin’ laugh track!