Actually, he ignored Mother’s Day for 2 years now. Last year, when he was just 15, we thought he was embarrassed enough by it that he’d never miss it again. We were wrong.
This is a good, good kid: all honors classes, class co-president, Eagle Scout-bound, no drugs, drinking, sex, smoking…
He has two mothers, btw.
We were hurt. Just teased him last year. But this year, wtf?? And we spoke to him about it and about how hurt we were but he just sat and listened and never offered an apology or anything.
Note too that we are all very, very close and there is hardly ever an angry moment among us.
Anyway, I’m thinking this evening that we need to find out from him why he would do such a thing. It seems very passive-aggressive, and thus meaningful. My thoughts are to ask him directly what it’s about. Any experience, advice, anything?
Can you tell us what, ’ he has two Mom’s’, means in this case?
Are you his natural mother and he has a step mother?
Are you the adopted mother and he has a birth mom?
Are you the stepmom? The birth mother?
It seems to me, this tiny detail, could be all important in the situation you describe. It would certainly be all important if you’re looking for advise, I should think.
Can you tell us a little more perhaps, on this point?
Sorry, I mean we’re a lesbian couple. We’d been together 5-6 years when we had him. I carried him, after insemination with anonymous donor sperm. Note that in our world (California, Boston, Portland ME), this is not some unusual thing.
maybe he is anxious about forgetting/expressing and hence shut down/avoided the topic? i do that a lot, avoid things that make me nervous. also, i was going to call my mom at 8PM but i called her as soon as I read your post about 20 minutes ago instead.
Reading this post has me think a lot of things. Most of them revolve around how he may feel about himself. Being a child of 2 lesbian parents could be still awkward and the term ‘mother’ still disambigious and perhaps even insulting to the non-birth parent. It is something society has not fully defined yet, how much less a child who was born into a undefined state.
I also ask you to look at you and perhaps you expect too much too soon. Mother’s day would be awkward for the non-carrying female spouse. It is a new dynamic on a societal level and there is no such accommodation currently given the other person, which is problematic.
My dad (a single parent our mom died shortly after kid #6) said all 6 of his kids turned subhuman around 13, 14 or 15 and didn’t turn human again until 23, 24 or 25.
I’d like to think he was joking, but maybe he was not.
Personally, I don’t care about Mother’s Day or birthdays (mine or anyone else’s). I know my teens love me (almost) every day and I don’t think they have to show it on this particular day.
So, I’m sorry your feeling are hurt. If you do think there is more to it than just cluelessness, then please do investigate. It may be better to wait a while until you are feeling less upset, though.
mother to three boys here, oldest is 16. They “remembered” Mother’s Day in that my husband insisted they make cards while I was out of the house. Even the most affectionate sweetest one (13) only said “Happy Mothers Day” when jokingly prompted.
My guess is it’s a combination of forgetting and not knowing what to do and then feeling embarrassed when confronted. If Mothers Day becomes associated with shame and guilt for him, you can bet it will be a long time before it’s a thoughtfully commemorated day of joy for him.
Just spell out what you want him to do, then remind him to do it and don’t be shamey about it.
I was thinking something like this, too. If I’d forgotten Mother’s Day as a teenager, and my mom had tried to shame me into remembering it next year, I would have been goddamned if I’d done anything for her. That’s not to say that’s the right attitude, but as a teenager I was really sensitive to any hint of emotional manipulation. A straight up conversation with him, in which you tell him how you feel about Mother’s Day and why it’s important to you and what you’d like for him to do, would have been a good starting point last yeaer; at this point, I’d think it a very good idea.
