My 16yo son ignored Mother's Day.

Yeah, maybe. He’s 16, though, not 14. And he’s very sophisticated for his age. Honestly, it feels like something else. Something passive-aggressive that we’re not catching onto to address adequately. But fuck, I don’t know.

I do greatly appreciate all the input here though.

Well, aren’t all of them?

You don’t get that gay families are JUST EXACTLY LIKE straight families. I would really appreciate not hearing another word from people who think this is a gay issue. This is a family issue. A teenager issue. A cultural (i.e., Hallmark issue), and maybe other issues. But it is not about two lesbians with a teenage son. If that seems strange to you, it’s because you’re naive and inexperienced, and possibly just a little bit bigoted.

I don’t agree with Oredigger77’s ridiculous assertions about it being different in a same sex couple, but I do somewhat agree that Mother’s Day is one of the more transparently contrived holidays. Even the woman who started it tried to boycott it once it became primarily a means for Hallmark to sell cards and such.

Of course that doesn’t mean you can just ignore it. You have to go on some sort of angsty teenager tirade about commercialism and how mere consumer stuffs couldn’t possibly reflect your true feelings and how you’ll show them all year round. That does not appear to have occurred here.

I don’t want to be all Mars/Venus about it especially in this scenario but there is something to the fact that women are responsible for about 90% + of men and children attending responsibly to the finer graces in social connections and relationships. Also this is something that a dad who knows what is expected would take him in hand to the store, and get a card and make him fill it out. I did this with my son. I did it with my daughter as well.

It’s not that he does not love you, but making space in his 16 year old brain that it should be done in a specific time, place and way takes years of training. It’s not spontaneous and hoping or expecting that it will be is a path to anger and disappointment. Some men are naturally attentive to these things but many are not. If this is important to you and your partner one of you needs to be “dad” in this scenario and start the hands on training and direction now for him to be cognizant and observant of your (or future female partners) feelings and expectations. Yes it’s manipulative, but it’s necessary. Hoping for the best is not the solution if you want a card.

I really like this advice. I like to “model” the behaviour that I think is important to my kids. I said I don’t really care for Mother’s Day, but that’s because I think it’s more important that we show our love every day, and not just on special occasions.

My teen is hairy, smelly, moody, and greasy. Often lazy and selfish, he needs a lot of reminding (often nagging) to get things done. He does have some bit of intellectual disability, but is also pretty darned functional, so that’s all OK.

I almost lost that kid when he was born- it was a bad case of “everything that could possibly go wrong did go wrong.”

I was admitted to the hospital at 18 weeks with ‘hourglassed’ membranes and on complete bedrest, deep trendelenberg, with no bathroom priveledges for weeks. I had a premature rupture of membranes at 23.2, but kept him “in” a few days. I delivered at 23.5 weeks after a cord prolapse and a traumatic “splash and slash” C/S. I really thought I had failed him.

He was the ugliest baby you ever saw- almost see-through skin, tiny and thin, covered in medical equipment. I just cried and cried because I was afraid he was going to die. Then I cried because I was afraid he was going to live. He weighed a little over a pound and his eyes were fused closed. I thought “There is no way this is gonna turn out OK.”

He had his ribs broken (twice) during CPR. He spent months in the hospital. He had multiple blood transfusions, abdominal and heart surgery. He spent a year on respiratory isolation. He had a doctor for every malfunctioning organ system. He threw up everything he ate for a solid year. I pump and pumped and pumped until I had about 16 gallons of breast milk backed up. He was a miserable little “chest monkey” that had to sleep on someone’s chest for a solid year. He took 9 meds around the clock, was on oxygen and had an apnea monitor. That kid cost about $740,000.

The day I had him was both one of the best and one of the worst days of my life! And still I love his hairy, smell, greasy self to the point of almost ridiculousness.

I’m gonna go smooch him up right now.

Maybe this is his way of not being a perfect kid? Of asserting some independence?

Does this issue arise on Father’s Day?

If not, then your family is not JUST EXACTLY LIKE straight families.

If this rebellious or otherwise hurtful behavior isn’t manifest in any other way, then this has 100% to due with the fact that he has chosen Mother’s Day for a reason.

What that reason is, you should find out. Like it or not, it may well have something to do with him having two mommys. Maybe it doesn’t, but his choice to act out on that particular holiday is a giant, and I mean GIANT, red flag.

I wish you and partner the best. It’s courageous what you two are doing. But you can’t expect there to be no bumps in the road. This is probably just a small bump that he is dealing with.

Eagle Scout bound? Ask him what the rest of the guys in his troop did for their moms.

Heh. I think I"ll ask him to find out. :slight_smile:

The way it works here is I gently prod our 13-year-old on Mother’s Day and his mom gently prods him on Father’s Day.

Maybe you can do this next year: you gently nudge him to get a card for your wife/partner, and she does the same, separately, to him to get a card for you?

Does he get you gifts and cards for your birthday?

How did you handle Mother’s day in the past?

If he doesn’t mind, I would say both of you moms take him shopping, independently, for each other.

Kinda skimmed over a lot of these posts.
I think he is just being a typical teen-ager.

Maybe sit down with him at breakfast, not make a big deal about it, and ask him how it’s going. He may or may not open up, but let him know the door is open.
There may be other issues going on that parents aren’t readily aware of.
Been there, done that. If there is love in the family, it will work itself out.
Not that it makes it easier to be ignored on Mothers Day, just trying to offer some experience with it. :slight_smile:

Well, one way in which they are not exactly the same is that in straight families, on mother’s day the dad prompts the kid(s) to do something for mom, and help make sure they do it. And there’s no shame in dad not being recognized on that day.

My guess is that very few 16 year old boys would think to do anything on their own for mother’s day. I agree with all the larva/unformed/etc. comments about teenagers. And the ways mother’s day is usually celebrated is kind of with girly stuff (flowers, cards, feeding someone) not with the kind of thing that comes naturally to most teenage boys.

I milked mother’s day for what is was worth when my kids were younger, but I am mostly in the “it’s a silly holiday” camp. This year, I did get a phone call from my son, a “Happy mother’s day” from my daughter, and I spent half an hour at a party with my own mom. So I guess I celebrated. Sort of.

Anyhow, you obviously care. So ask for what you want. Drop it this year (over and done) but next year, remind him a week or two out that you’d like to be remembered, and tell him how. (breakfast in bed? a hand made card? a store-bought card? doing some special favor for you?) Then remind him a couple of days before, and tell him you really care and it would mean a lot to you. Then remind him again on mother’s day, or the day before if you want something early in the day, like breakfast in bed.

Happy mother’s day! it sounds like your son is pretty decent, despite not doing mother’s day this year.

Thank you all for these recent replies. All of it has been insightful and helpful.

As for those that continue in the “it’s because you’re gay” vein, you are not helpful in your ignorance. Please take it elsewhere. Please? I’ve asked a couple of times. It is YOUR issue, not ours. And don’t get me wrong–I’d be the first to examine that suggestion further. It’s just that I have, and I know more than you. Can you try to let that in and drop your arrogance enough to at least take your bigoted opinions elsewhere?

True that.
Not about his elite cooking or flying.

The problem is that you are asking for advice and then denying that one possible explanation could be true, even when a lot of posters think it is.

The way that Mother’s Day works in millions of households across the United States is that fathers go out and buy flowers, cards, or other gifts, give those things to their children, and force those kids to give them to their mothers. Normal children, especially male teenagers, do not have the drive to adequately perform Mother’s Day on their own. That’s probably the cause of your problems. Next year, you need to force your kid to do what you want. Whether you decide that’s anti-gay bigotry and choose to ignore it is your choose to make.

Men (boys) like concrete activity. They don’t like hallmark moments, they don’t like feeling guilty or conforming to some preset ideal.

I’ve got a 16 year old boy who likes playing with his cards close to his chest.

He hasn’t once said happy mothers day, or I love you, or anything today. But he did go fill up my truck, wash it, and vacuum it out, all on his own initiative. That’s how he shows his love. And that’s awesome.

Recognize how he’s telling you he loves you.

If I was to force or guilt him into a card, or flowers, or nag, or God forbid, have a long drawn out emotional conversation about our relationship, it would be painful and counterproductive for all involved. Men are not women.

(His dad may have strongly suggested the truck thing, dunno, haven’t asked. His dad sets a very good example on how to treat your mom. At 46 he probably washed her car, bought her a card, flowers, and fixed something. And sometimes, even at 46, I have to remind him of certain dates, even though he’s an awesome son.)

It IS rude. I concur.
You know your family better than we do and some of these comments border on … well…
But don’t get too defensive with us teeming millions, most of us are here to communicate and sometimes we assume too much.

See? We guys are different. LMAO :D:cool: