My 16yo son ignored Mother's Day.

The BBQ Pit
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tapu, I know you wanted this thread closed, so I feel a little guilty posting, but I am curious…how was Mother’s Day in previous years? He’s forgotten two years now; what about 3 years ago? Five years ago? Did he remember then? Did each of you take him shopping separately to help him pick something for the other? If that was the way it was always done, maybe that was what he expected. He might not be ready for that transition into adulthood yet.

You said he never offered an explanation or apology, but what was his reaction while you explained that you were hurt? Was he glassy-eyed, looking through you with that teenage expression that tells you they’re not listening? Did he look down at his feet in shame? Replay it in your mind, and that might help you figure out if he simply was a teenager that forgot, or if there might be more going on.

(Did someone ask these questions, and I missed the answers? I read every post, but sometimes I do miss things…)
It was a terrible day for me, too. I don’t have any children, so that’s a non-issue, but I lost my mother 6 years ago, and Mother’s Day is still hard on me. I work as a cashier, and Sunday I worked a 10 hour shift. I swear, at least 50 people cheerfully said, “Happy Mother’s Day!!” to me as they were in my line. I don’t get it. The day is to honor your mother, stepmother, mother in law, whatever. A mother figure in your life. Not a cashier, or a server, or anyone who really means nothing to you.

After the first 10 people, I had been rubbed raw, for the next 40 or so I teared up, shook my head, and told them it was the worst day of the year for me. One woman heard me tell the woman ahead of her that, and she told me she understood immediately what I meant, she had lost her mother, too. By the time she left, we were both crying.

I cried during my break. I’m crying now.

:mad: WHY do people say it to total strangers?! (Gee, thanks for reminding me. I lost my mother, my best friend, and you are happy? Want me to be happy? WTF?! It’s a good thing they pay me to be nice to you.) And, if you say it to any female you see that day, doesn’t it cheapen what you say to your mother?

If any of you say this to strangers, please, just stop. :frowning:

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Sometimes saying nothing and not responding is the least bad option.

I don’t know whether tapu and her wife explained their feelings to the son calmly and rationally, or whether they screamed and cried. I wasn’t there.

I do know that the one time I let Mother’s Day slip my mind, my mother called me on the phone days later and completely lost her spring. She was screaming and crying about how hurt she was, how she’d wanted to hear that I felt lucky to have a mother. I didn’t say much in response - I just wanted it to be over. It’s a good thing she couldn’t see my reaction over the phone.

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It doesn’t, whether the OP likes it or not.

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Since this hasn’t been closed yet I’ll add one more vote for the reason being “He’s a teenage boy”. Don’t sweat it.

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Not yet.

Like I said, not yet.

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I know the OP says this has nothing to do with the two mothers, that they live in a community that is very supportive. But, all it takes is for one person - perhaps that person he has the secret crush on - to make a disparaging remark. He would be hurt, he is a terrific kid so he might not want to share that with his parents.

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If he is upset because he has two moms, well, he’s 16. Immigrant children are upset because their parents can’t speak English well and don’t know the culture. Children of dockworkers are upset because their parents aren’t engineers. I was the only child whose dad didn’t work for IBM in our town, it bothered me because my dad was uneducated.

He’s 16. We don’t always appreciate or accept our parents like we should at 16. Get back to me at 26 and let me know if things have changed.

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I may be misremembering but I recall a few times here I’ve said, yeah, 2 mommies situation may be it, but it seems implausible for this kid given the rest of our family life. He is affectionate and thoughtful and teasing and wonderful with both moms. The Mother’s Day thing is completely uncharacteristic of him, which is why I sought the advice of other parents (and singles, who also can possess knowledge of child behavior).

Regarding being embarrassed in front of his friends–quite the opposite. All his friends think it’s cool to have two moms and they spend more time and are more relaxed here than I’ve ever seen teenagers be. This is an aspect of living in a gay-acceptance community with schools that uphold that. When Asa was 4, we moved here specifically because it offered a better environment for us and our son.

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I think all 16 year olds find something about their parents to be totally embarrassing. I suspect it’s part of our culture- it’s part of finding an identity for yourself that is separate from your parents and family, and our culture puts a premium on doing that. Especially for boys and men. Think about the stereotype of the mama’s boy- it’s not positive.

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Well, yeah. Parents are embarrassing. They fart with impunity and they do stupid embarrassing stuff. :slight_smile:

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Tapu, my 16 year old son sounds a lot like yours–considerate, affectionate, overachieving, mentally healthy all around. He also forgot Mothers Day again. I’ve spent my life around kids–tons of them and the point I can’t express enough is that HE IS 16. The executive function of his brain is still developing and still has years of growth to go, so even though he may look like a full grown human-he is not.

It is because of my vast experience with kids & their psychology that I did not take it personally when my son flaked on Mother’s Day. I’m guessing that even your son doesn’t know why he forgot. But the REASON is that his body is being operated by a teenage brain. Period. You are making way too much of this–my guess is because you lack experience with teenagers. He is perfectly normal & healthy, but he is a work in progress. Embrace all the joy he brings to you both & let this very minor thing go.

**I also live in an area where same sex parents are considered normal–even a little cooler then opposite sex parents. I must lived a sheltered life because I am shocked by all the comments suggesting that this normal teenage behavior is due to the kid having 2 moms.

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What I think that you and possibly tapu are missing, is that we understand you live in an unsually accepting area, but that does not mean that her son can’t have an issue with his home environment. There are millions of parents who’ve raised their child to think a certain way and are utterly shocked when those children think differently. Racist parents whose child marries someone of a different race, homophobic parents whose child embraces their gay friends, Apple fanatics whose kid goes on to run Microsoft…it happens all the time.

I’m not saying that this is his problem - I just find it mind-boggling that she can’t see that “yeah, our little community is great, but we don’t live in a bubble. Maybe he is struggling with something about having two moms.”

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Just a note since there has been a lot of commentary on it. We don’t generally close threads without there being a very serious problem. As has been noted, though the opinions in here have certainly varied from poster to poster, the thread has generally remained on topic, and as such, will remain open for now. Please keep any disagreements civil.

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Honestly, most teens probably only “remember” Mother’s Day because their dads demand that they do or say something nice to their mom. In a two-mom house, neither mom does it because they don’t want to ask the kid to be nice to THEM, so nobody clearly points out what he should do. I think it’s a combination of a teenager being a totally typical teenager and the fact that no other family member directly told him what he should do.

I wouldn’t sweat it too much because of the circumstances…you could have another relative remind him next year if you want, or eventually he’ll grow up, wise up, and be thankful he has two moms and understand that Mother’s Day (or Mothers’ Day, in your case) is special.

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I too wonder about his reaction when this was mentioned last year. Overall, though, the fact is that he is a teenaged boy.

Here is my advice as a non-mom and somebody who got called by my father this year to send my mother something for valentine’s day (seriously-do you send your mother something for valentine’s day??I compromised and sent her an e-card to make my father happy but I refuse to capitulate further to the Hallmark conspiracy unless I am actually seeing somebody myself). Anyway-I think it’s awkward to call attention to somebody forgetting an occasion yourself. It’s embarrassing to the person called out. You have two parents. What I recommend is parent #1 going to him and saying “You really hurt parent #2’s feelings by forgetting mother’s day. She thinks you don’t care about her. Let’s think of a way to make it up to her”. You can then suggest anything from a hug to an apology to washing the car to an actual gift. You can also have both parents do it but the key is to not have the offended party confront him directly. Next year I suggest you either each buy a card from him to the other parent or drag him along to the card store and stand there while he picks one out.

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Tapu, as I said, I don’t know you, but I have known women that were sure they were going to be the ones to finally raise a boy that was aware and sensitive and nurturing, that would basically not have the characteristics they disliked in men, then they found out they weren’t.

I can also remember that I used to lose the power of speech whenever I was confronted or embarrassed in front of a group, even if it was only a couple of authority figures.

I dunno, most of them seem to be talking about the absence of a father, not the presence of lesbians. If we were talking about a widow who had co-parented with her sister in law a lot of comments wouldn’t change at all, ISTM.

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I don’t know what’s going - but I will throw up other possibilities

Presumably two mums means two gifts?
Could he have been worried about one getting a “better” gift than the other?
Is he “angry” (for whatever reason) at one mum, so both miss out?
Is he feeling slighted or offended in some way by one mum, and this is some passive aggressive way of payback?
Has something happened at school or otherwise that might make him embarrassed about buying to mother’s day gifts? (note - it need not be “logical” - it could be almost anything, including a refusal of a friend to a stepmum a gift)

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Yep. The OP might feel that the community is supportive in general, but I lived just outside of Boston as a kid and kids are just as much assholes to each other there as anywhere else. Girls are supposed to be more willing to share thoughts and feelings with their parents than boys, but I was teased mercilessly from about the time I was in third grade through ninth, and I almost never discussed any of it with my parents, especially when it was about something that would have made them feel bad or guilty, like being teased about being poor. If someone decided to give him crap about how he was going to celebrate Mother’s day with his two moms, he would probably never admit it.

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Mother’s Day was two months ago and you only just noticed?

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Mother’s Day was three days ago.