My Boys can't swim...

I’ve been with my SO for 5 years now… for 4 of those years we have been living together… for 3 of those years we have been having unprotected sex. Yes we have been doing this out of wedlock knowing we will get pregnant and have been fine with this. (please keep the flames for the pit, this is hard enough for me please - I am close to 30 and she is close to 35). IN the 3 years we havent had a single thing… My GF has gone to the OB/GYN and she checked out fine. I recently had a semen analasys and today I found out that I am in the VERY low sperm count ratio and 100% were non-mobile.

I feel fucking sick. I’m never gonna be a daddy. I’ve never ever thought that was going to be a problem… I’ve always known I would be a great dad… even years ago I knew…

now a part of me has died.

all of my life I have felt so useless and not a productive part of anything on this earth. I’ve felt that I have just taken up space and provided nothing of importance. Indeed I am useless in this world. Now my only hope is gone… I’ve thought maybe if I could have children they would be my purpous for life.

NOW thats gone… and my GF of 5 years and who is 35 years old and craving a child before her biological time runs out is not facing an easy decision either.

Forgive me if I am rambleing or not spelling correctly but I have been drinking and I suffer from depression. (with the help of Celexa… which only makes SEX more difficult but now thats no issue!! whooo hoo!) Anyway I am Drunk and I wish that God didn’t hate me like I have been shown all of my life.

I have rambled and I hope to god that the board crashes and this doesnt post cause I will be sooo fucking embarased reading this tomorrow.

I’ve always known I would be a good dad… a part of me has died.

GopherGod72, I don’t know what to say.

Firstly, its not your fault. You DO know that, don’t you? Its not something you have control over. So don’t get down on yourself because of that. Be sad, sure, but don’t bash yourself up about it.

Secondly, I can understand your SO’s desire for kids (been there myself). But if I were in her shoes, I would feel damn lucky that I’ve got a guy who was so eager to be a father to my kids, that I would try to find some other avenue. Something like adoption or intervention.

You are a fantastic guy, and tomorrow is another day. Take some time with your girlfriend to talk things out and figure out the next step.

All the best.

Honey, I’m so sorry for you. I’m sure that has to be hard. I know there’s nothing I can say to make it better, but my thoughts are with you. I don’t know how much good these words will do you from a virtual stranger, but I don’t want to leave them unsaid…

You’re not useless. I promise you, without even knowing you, that you’ve made a difference to people. I would hazard a guess that your SO is grateful for you, and I’m sure there are other people out there too.

You may not want to hear this right now, but you know, even if you’re not genetically someone’s parent you could still be a great dad to them. There are other options…

And on preview, what Tsubaki said.

As a woman dealing with unexplained infertility I know what you mean. I’ve been dealing with this for 8 years. It doesn’t mean you’ll never be a dad. I believe even with a low sperm count they can to AI. Or adoption. These are all thing I may have to consider myself.
Keep your chin up

Krista :frowning:

GopherGod72, I was in pretty much the same boat twenty-some years ago, fertility-wise. In my case, the doctor was able to perform an operation. The operation was called a veinecotomy, or something like that. It involved cutting a vein in my lower abdomen which apparently had been wrapped around some important plumbing lower down.

My daughter is getting married next month.

But even if you cannot get your condition altered, that should not stop you from being a father. My stepson is just as important to me as my daughter. Adoption may be the right option for you, although in many (most?) localities, you would have to marry your girlfriend first. There are some other options which might make your girlfriend happier, but might put too big a strain on your relationship.

In any case, you are not worthless. Being a father might make it easier for you to see your own worth, but it would not make you more worthy. There are unfortunately a lot of fathers who do not live up to the job. There are a lot of kids who could use mentoring or other care from someone who understands the importance of children. Perhaps you could teach or tutor, serve as a scout leader or Big Brother, volunteer at a public library or hospital, or find some other way to help the children and adults around you.

Don’t be afraid to ask for professional help dealing with this problem. Don’t expect to find any good answers by drinking, but don’t stop looking for good answers.

I agree deeply with what LadyVenom and Doubting Robert have said here. Now is not the time to spend a great deal of energy thinking about this idea.

Sober up first. :slight_smile: THEN think about this.

The Wifestrocity and I tried for 4 1/2 years. During that time, my sperm went from being fine to showing bad motility, and bad counts. My goal was to be a father. Not necessarily to make a baby with my body parts.

Just a few hours ago, three people left our house after a lovely visit. The boy is my son’s age, to within 20 days. His folder with his name and photograph and personal data were in the same file folder pile as my son’s, sitting on a desk in the South Korean adoption agency. But for whim and chance, that boy might have been my son, and my son might have been that other woman’s boy.

It is the desire to parent. I mourn your distress and your upset, I do NOT in any way mean to minimize the pain or stress it brings to you and your dearly loved S.O. I’d just ask you and your S.O. to talk very seriously about either Artificial Insemination, or Adoption as a choice.

My kids are my kids are my kids. Period. As I frequently tell each of them, " I cannot imagine having another son / daughter, instead of you. YOU are my kid ".

Perhaps in time you will see some beauty in that point of view. However, if you NEVER DO, then I appreciate that too, and respect that choice. It’s a damaging thing for a couple to have to face, I have lived it and so have others here in this thread.

I don’t think I am out of line in saying that all of our thoughts and wishes are with you and your S.O. as you deal with this. Out of ashes, sometimes can come life.


“Low” sperm count is not “no” sperm count and as long as there are some healthy sperm to work with the chances are that something can be done. You might also try looser underwear, no hot baths and getting some robust exercise. A good diet full of vitamins can also help boost your sperm count.

BTW IIRC correctly some anti-depession medications markedly depress sperm count. Don’t know if Celexa is in this category might be worth checking though. Not a lot is known about the long term effects of Celexa since it is relatively new. Celexa does occasionally cause blood in the urine so who knows if it’s affecting (or not) stuff further up the chain.