My darling ex....

I’ve come to realize that I’m perpetually gonna be the bad guy where my ex is concerned. After all, I’m the one that “removed” himself emotionally from the marriage. I’m the one that was “unsupportive” when all she wanted was a YES man. I’m the one that “forced” her to escape her unhappy relationship. I’m the one that moved out, 6 months after she stopped sharing our bed and hopped into someone else’s. I’m the one “forcing” her to move in with Dick because I’m threatening to cut off the hereto unrestircted money/credit supply.

She has steadfastly refused to make any decisions or even admit that she has fucked up and lied through her teeth for over a year. Yet, I’m going to be the bad guy in her eyes no matter what I do. In her eyes, she’s been flexible and patient and entirely selfless for years on end. A real martyr - just like her mother. But I’m the selfish bastard, always thinking about myself and not considering her needs and feelings.

I’m so sick of this fucked up logic that she’s fully rationalized over the past couple of years. I’m sick and tired of her holier than thou attitude and how she truly believes that she’s done absolutely everything she could to keep our marriage together and I’ve done absolutely nothing. If that’s the case, how come she continues to force me to make decisions she ought to be making herself. If she’s so fucking unhappy, how come she’s never filed divorce papers and refuses to do so even now? Because she know that like every other major decision in our marriage, this too will be made by me. She abdicates responsibility for every decision and then sits back and waits for me to make it for her. Oh, she can decide how to organize the household and the kids’ schedule. It’s the other, often unpleasant stuff like finances, job, insurance stuff that she can’t decide on. Even now, she calls me and asks me how she should set up her new contract for the new job she’s started. Should she do it as an employee with a W-9 tax form (needs a soc. sec. number for that) or as a corp to corp using MY company name? What is a W-9 anyway?

Look fuck-wit!.. WHY THE FUCK WOULD I CARE WHAT YOU DO WITH YOUR JOB CONTRACT!!! WHY DON’T YOU ASK YOUR DICKHEAD BOYFRIEND!!! He’s a lawyer, I’m sure he can figure these things out. And while we’re at it… have him pick out the nicest winter coat for you! Why ask me? Why do you think I need to be involved in this decision? You certainly didn’t ask me about the ugly shoes you bought in the fall! Oh, but wait… you’ve got to put your shitty two cent opinion in about my thumb ring… three times… Thanks dear! I really fucking care what you think about it. I stay awake at night because you think it’s some kind of veiled announcement that I’m coming out of the closet! What in our cursed history together would give you the remotest doubt about my sexuality? You betraying, lying tart!!!

And when I asked you what you could possibly see in that fat, flannel boxer, plaid shirt wearing, boring old bastard; What I really meant was that you both deserve each other and that I hope you’ll live long enough to make one another miserable for the rest of your ethically bankrupt lives!!

SO FUCK YOU VERY MUCH!!!

I have learned from both dealing with my own ex and my husband’s ex that you are always going to look like the bad guy. It’s just how things turn out. No matter who carries the majority of fault in any relationship they always try to make the other person look bad.

Don’t let it get to you. Does it really matter which one of you files for the divorce? If it’s over then don’t prolong it. Get it over and done with for your own sanity.

Sounds like you have a bad situation brewing.

Best of luck.

Wow Quicksilver you married her too?

We need to start some sort of group.

I married fairly young and after a five year marriage, we divorced. Certainly a painful experience in and of itself but it was after the separation and after the divorce that “stories” got back to me about my ex-wife that really put an extra kick in the teeth so to speak.

As with most relationships ending, you tend to lose friends as they go to one person or the other. With time, I began hearing from some of those friends that I lost during the process. I certainly could not believe what my ex-wife was saying was the reason we separated. She painted it to our friends that I did bad thing X, bad thing Y, and bad thing Z thereby resulting in her having to finally leave a situation after giving all she could to save it. Now, I did not expect her to admit the truth to people and thereby make herself look bad but c’mon now…

  • She slept with a co-worker
  • She slept with 2, possibly 3, different guys she met in chat rooms (I found out about this after the divorce, not before, and had I known then I certainly would not have been as open to working things out as I was)
  • She refused to go to counseling of any sort
  • She kept insisting she wanted to divorce but would refuse/delay discussing how to separate things, completing the paperwork, and filing the papers.

To find out that I was painted as the complete and total bad guy to friends just hurt. It took a little time but eventually I just accepted that it really doesn’t matter anymore. Neither she, nor those friends, are in my life anymore. I am so much happier without that toxic crap. Let her say/believe what she wants - we both know the truth and I’m not the one who has to live with that guilt.

MeanJoe

Definitely still some feeling here.

Limit the contact, you are actively participating in this stuff…(If there are children this will be more difficult)

Time fixes most things if you will so permit.

Whoa…

I see you were married to the devil, too!

Boyhowdy- I hate that. My sister did that to her x. He ‘abandoned her emotionally’…’ course, she seems to have been in the neighbor’s bed at the time.

I didn’t get much involved, but the x was NOT the evil ogre she described to anyone and everyone who would listen. What is that all about?

That, and my husbands ex, have made us both agree to be honest with each other. We decided we would rather deal with the pain of honesty than the pain of deceit. Fortunately all is well with us.

Best wishes.

Naaahh. The devil has more style.
:smiley:

Another one here for the Toxic-Ex club.

I’m in the process of divorce from a Sociopath. She has no sense of Guilt. None at all. She could do anything, say anything no matter how nasty, viscious or self-destructive, and it would all be justified because the other party was “being mean” to her.

She hated her parents. They loaned her money they should have simply given her. They held a mortgage on her house when they should have given it to her.

She maxed out her credit card and then refused to make minimum payments in order to (her words) punish them for being mean to her.

She overdrafted her checking account three months in a row after I had cleared all of her debts (over $40,000!) and given her $1,000 cash, then claimed it was only because the bank was stealing her money. I asked to sit down with her on three separate occasions and review her statements, but she just mumbled something and walked off. An hour after the third time, she asked if we could transfer all of my accounts into hers and make them our joint accounts. She was quite upset when I said no.

My house, which she lived in for 5 months ending 3 months before we got married, and which she never sank a penny into, she tried to claim as a marital asset. Her house, which we lived in for over a year and I had sunk over $20,000 into, was not.

She claimed that I had somehow pocketed all the money from the sale of my house and that she deserved half of it. She continued to claim this for three months after we demonstrated that a> She didn’t deserve it, b> she had already gotten it, and c> there wasn’t any money left.
True, I did have her removed from the house under an Order for Protection. But that was because she had gone completely off the deep end and I feared for my safety. In truth, I was trying to force her into a psychiatric evaluation.

She filed ludicrous counter-claims (such as that she had lived in fear of her life from me since a month before she insisted on moving into my house), filed for divorce, changed her phone number of 22 years and refused to speak to me for five months.

And somehow, her step-father claimed that I had abandoned her…

The day I moved out of the house, I stopped by to talk to some former co-workers of hers. She hadn’t spoken to them in months and was upset about not hearing from them. I told them we were separating and asked them to call her, because she needed the support. A month later I hear through the grapevine that she was telling everyone that I only went out there to badmouth her and that I called her a “psycho bitch”.

Last week I found the e-mail address of this person and let her know what my wife has been saying. She was more than a little shocked and irritated that my wife has been filling her mouth with lies…
Today she called me up out of the blue and said that we had to talk. The first time I’ve heard her voice in more than five months. I did not answer the phone. I don’t trust her enough to be alone in a room with her for fear of what she will say afterward. So no chance I’ll speak to her on the phone without witnesses…