My ex and shared friends...

[Mockingbird]

Well, now I have lost two of our shared friends(a couple) because I filed in small claims court against my ex.

Why did I file you ask?

He didn’t handle his share of the cleaning in moving out of the apartment which has caused me to lose all of the security deposit and the full rent. All of that comes to $1000.

Why did I lose the rent and security(which I paid in full myself)?

His cat pissed all over the rug in my office because he didn’t change the litter boxes.

The rug was ruined, and I had to rip the carpeting out. Then the floors need to be refinished.

Thus, the place has not been able to be rented.

Then, today when I informed mutual friends of what was going on, I got this e-mail:
Kirk,

Randy just told me about you taking to Adam to small claims court, and I really can’t believe that you are going to do this. In my opinion, you are being completely blind to your own responsibility, and trying to blame Adam for everything so that you don’t have to face your own demons.

No. Adam was responsible for HALF of the work in getting that apartment back together. I was put out not only because of his lack of work, but that the damage his cat did caused me to lose my entire security deposit(WHICH I PAID IN FULL) and the entire rent.

You have said many times in the past few weeks that Adam “abandoned you” and “walked away from his responsibilities,” and I have to tell you Kirk, I just don’t see it. I’ve been friends with you guys for a long time now, and I am in no way blind to your relationship.

Obviously you were, otherwise you would not be hostile with me about this.

Adam did not owe it to you to stay behind and help you clean that apartment, Kirk. Don’t think that we all didn’t realized how filthy your house was or that we didn’t care because we’re your friends. Nobody wants to sit around in filth. When you guys invited us over there for dinner shortly after you moved in, your house was so filthy that I told Randy I’d never go back; and when I did come back to pick you up or whatever, you’ll notice that I NEVER sat down. For Christ’s sake, it was so bad we got you MAID service. You can’t blame that all on Adam, who was out working and the main financial contributor to the relationship.

Nope. He was NOT the main financial contributor until the last year of our relationship, and even then, when I got money, it either went into the house bills or it went to buy him things he needed. I paid the full rent in Feb and Mar from my SSI. I also bought all the groceries from Jan-June. I also brought forth other things as they came forth.

When I wasn’t this sick, I paid the lion’s share of the bills from my financial aid. I even paid his credit card bills as I could, trying to keep him from having to go the bankruptcy route.

The house was mutual responsibility. I cleaned daily as I could. Generally it meant cleaning up garbage in the living room and bedroom. I can only do so much, and he rarely helped.

Let me clue you in, this is how it works, one person goes away from home to a JOB, and the other person stays at home and makes the HOUSE their job. And I don’t care how lousy you’re feeling, if you’re feeling good enough to go to the comic book store or borders or the canned food outlet or sit there and rant in your newsgroups for hours, then you’re feeling good enough to clean. Because you chose to live like a pig does not make this all Adam’s fault and Adam’s responsibility. And before you say, “Well he lived here too and he was a slob too…” let me point out that I have seen Adams car compared to yours, I saw Adam’s office compared to yours, and ADAM WAS THE ONE OUT WORKING FOR A LIVING.

Adam’s office was generally a fucking pit as was his car. You obviously missed all the fast food wrappers and other crap in the back seat of his car.

And you don’t know a damn thing about what I was doing nor what I can or cannot do.

I went to the canned food outlet to shop for us both. He almost never did the grocery shopping except when was too incapacitated to do it.

I do not choose to live like a pig, nor do I.

I cooked for him, cleaned as I could, and made sure he had everything I could get him.

Kirk, let this go and stop being so damn vindictive and self centered before you lose every friend you have. No matter HOW you try and spin this, we all know that Adam IS a good person and a nice person, and I don’t think there’s anyone who really knows you guys that “blames” him for anything. It just didn’t work out, you were two very different people, and it’s OVER. Let it GO. Jesus, if you would have put this much fucking effort into your relationship, he’d probably still be around!

I put A GREAT DEAL OF EFFORT INTO THE DAMN RELATIONSHIP!

HOW DARE YOU!

I got us into therapy. I worked DAMN hard. I didn’t have the poor communication! I worked my ass off.

I’m sorry that you see me in such a dim light and treat him like such a saint.

He was far from a saint, and he took a big shit all over me when he left.

I have nothing left to say to you. Period.

As far as I am concerned, you have nothing left to say to me.

Were you around more, you would have seen more. You weren’t around. You and Randy only came over a few times. To accuse me of such things strikes me as coming from Adam’s bitching and not from anywhere near reality.

Whenever you have needed my help, I have given it, no matter how I felt.

I have appreciated the help you two have given me.

I don’t need to be treated this way when I am doing the right thing for mostly the right reasons.

So much for friendship. You jumped on me when he left with accusations, and now you do it again. And still, when it comes into the facts of our relationship, you have no idea what you are talking about.

Believe what you want, Beth.

Kirk

This is the same person who came over the day after he left to criticize me based on the crap my ex said. Now she’s spouting the same crap, and I’m back to being the gay Peggy Bundy.

:mad: :mad: :mad:

[Mockingbird]

The quotes are my responses.

[Hamish]

I had to put one of my once-closest friends out of my life last week. He’d made accusations against me and stolen some money. He was living with us – but he wasn’t paying rent. Losing the money and cleaning up his messes – he was a slob – these things I can handle. I was worried about the mutual friends.

In the end I was lucky. They knew me, and believed me, and were a great help in adjusting, after.

If these friends of yours believe him and not you, then they don’t really know you, and that’s their loss, not yours. And if they put you out of their life for this, for his side of the story, that too is their loss.

[Guinastasia]

People suck Hastur. What a fucking bitch.

Personally, if two of my good friends were in the middle of a nasty divorce, I would try to stay as far out of the middle of it as I could. It seems more like Beth just likes drama.

[Mockingbird]

On top of this, by the way… I had to surrender one of my cats yesterday.

This was a cat who is high maintenence that he was supposed to take and then didn’t at the last moment.

She is a beautiful himalayan named Rowan. He and I nursed her to health after rescuing her from a place that had her and wasn’t caring for her

Now, because of my circumstances in not having lots of energy, and her need for a great deal of work and attention(not to mention she pees around the litterbox rather than in it) I had to take her to the shelter yesterday.

I cried a lot. For her flaws, she was a beautiful, loving cat.

This is yet another thing I had to deal with because he backed out on responsibility at the last moment.

Rowan deserved better. I pray she finds a home that can give her what she needs.

[Nocturne]

I’m sorry, Hastur. I know about asshole exes. Although mine didn’t stick me with bills to pay, and I never paid for anything of that magnitude, I was usually the one who paid for our dinners out because he was poor.

Instead of destroying my friendships with people, he destroyed my sense of safety in my surroundings by making my entire college campus a threat. He destroyed my faith in other people, temporarily. He and his stupid friends who harassed me sent me into a spiral of depression.

Please don’t let that happen to you. You’re not worth the ridiculous drama he’s foisting on you. You’re worth much more than that, and his thoughtlessness, and his cruelty.

If those so-called friends make baseless accusations, I’m not sure you can really call them friends. And you’re better than that. Hang in there.

[Rilchiam]

**No matter HOW you try and spin this, we all know that Adam IS a good person and a nice person, and I don’t think there’s anyone who really knows you guys that “blames” him for anything.

**

Assuming that there are people who blame you and not Adam (what did she do, conduct a phone survey? :rolleyes: ), maybe such people don’t “really know you guys”! That claim is as baseless as that of a troll who claims to have “hundreds of e-mails” supporting hir.

{{{{{{{{{Hastur}}}}}}}}}

[Tee]

Originally posted by Hastur *
** Let it GO. Jesus, if you would have put this much fucking effort into your relationship, he’d probably still be around!*

oh really. my reply would be, “you can see what I’m going through to get the guy to pay his fair share, imagine what the rest of the relationship was like.”

or you can just forget about her, she’s no friend. I’m sorry.

[Homebrew]

I agree with the others. You haven’t lost a friend, but a treacherous, back-stabbing, shrill Harpy.

[Jorel]

I agree as well. This girl wasn’t a friend. She was just into drama. I’m sorry you are going through all of this.

I think that you will probably do well in court. Judges don’t like to go through the ‘pots and pans’ kind of cases, but in your case, it sounds like you paid the deposit-and he is responsible for cleaning and such in order to get deposit returned. He can’t just walk out because he has no financial investment.

If Rowan is as beautiful as most Himalayans I’ve seen, I’m sure she will find a home quickly.
Best,
J

[CrankyAsAnOldMan]

Sorry you’re going through this.

Can I tell you something that might cheer you up? Even though it’s silly and meaningless?

I think Kirk is the best name ever! That’s what we named our son! We thought and thought about boys’ names and had a real hard time agreeing on one. Then my husband suggested Kirk (he was currently teaching someone with that name). I thought about the fact that I’d never known a Kirk that wasn’t a great guy, and boom, I knew it was the right name.

I like it begins with K, I like that it means “church” in Scotland (not that we’re terribly religious, but it’s a nice thing), I like that it is short and easy to say and spell yet there aren’t too many Kirks out there in the world.

So even your ex sucks, at least your name is wonderful.

And as for future arguments with so-called friends over these issues–I don’t think you need to be defensive in the least. All you need to say is “I’m sorry to hear you feel that way. I hope that at some point in the future you will be able to more objective, and you will realize that I’ve done the best thing to resolve this. It’s clear that you feel Adam needs your friendship more than I do right now, so I won’t expect to hear from you again about this.”

[Tansu]

I can’t imagine being rude enough to bitch someone out about their relationship. Even if a friend of mine did fuck up their relationship bigstyle (which there is no evidence of Hastur doing), heaven knows I’d be tactful verging on the oblique.

What a horrible, mean, cruel person. I’m sorry that you have had the misfortune to count her as a friend, Hastur.

[Gravity]

Excuse me?

After being rude, taking sides and just generally bitching at you she complains about your housekeeping?
What the hell?

Breakups are hard, especially when you’ve already lost one friend. I’m sorry that it’s turning other friends ugly, too.

Best that you finds some others that really don’t care so much about housekeeping and who-did-what, anyway.