Let me ask you this-what makes FIL entitled to their money?
If someone insulted you constantly, put you down, never did shit for you, and then asked you for money, would you give it to them or tell them to go to hell?
Good thing you can do the same with your family too since you are up on that "holier than thou " stand.
I mean you divorced you family in 1999 so you have had, what 8 years here to cherish the memories of personal satisfaction, etc. How much vengeance did you wrought? I mean you can always reconcile with them after they are dead too right?
oh wait–maybe “I” don’t know the issues of why you divorced your family (I am actually quite sure they are very valid). I am left though wondering why you don’t extend the same courtesy to The Flying Dutchman. Why are your reasons for divorcing you family any more valid than the issues raised here. Yes I realize that you think that $25 is not the issue to hang your hat on. Great, you made you point–now move on. I don’t see what is being served by your coming in here with all your condescending comments.
Seems you are ready to hang him out to dry for and in my humble opinion being a bit rude to him. To you his issues might seem petty and ‘blackmailing’ but to him and his family they are valid.
You left out “sucked out your eyeballs, chewed them up, and spit them in your face.” Your projection is showing dear. The OP says no such thing.
If constantly telling your daughter and grandchild that they’re fat, making your critically ill wife support the family so you can squander money on fancy cameras and then asking your grown children to fund your social life aren’t treating them like shit, well, then what is?
Or . . . maybe I’m thinking “Man, I’d cut off my left arm to have a dad as “awful” as dutchman’s FIL. He’s got no idea how good he’s got it; I hope he doesn’t destroy whatever good is left in that relationship for what, on balance, is pretty petty stuff.
He offered up his reasons, his story, for our consideration. So what’s your objection? And I’m certainly not going to get into a “worst parents” pissing contest with dutchman, so no thanks to THAT bait. But he should be happy that most of his FIL’s sins are sins of omission (I said MOST), and not active acts of cruelty (I said MOST) and monstrosity.
Do the math: $25 a month for a few more years of harmony and happiness and no regrets for chances lost, or pocket that in exchange for bitterness now and a lifetime of remorse later?
How is that a difficult decision?
If you have to add qualifiers like “constantly,” and reduce an entire life story to “squander money on fancy cameras and then asking your grown children to fund your social life” in order to make your case, it ain’t much of a case.
Nice to see you’re willing to indulge your hatred of your own asshole relatives by trying to manipulate dutchman into destroying his relationship with his FIL. Dutchman’s need for retribution is sad; your need for vicarious vengeance is truly disturbing.
Actually, most of MY asshole relatives are just minor annoyances at worst, and the ones that weren’t are people that I’ve never really had much contact with anyways.
I just happen to think that someone who tells his granddaughter she’s fat (considering the shit young girls go through in our society) is a dickhead.
well I agree–for you or I–the decision wouldn’t be that difficult. But things are all relative aren’t they? One mans monstrosity is another mans ideal situation. But if you had a father like the Dutchman (which by the way I read very different from your own interpretation) maybe the FIL seems terrible. To you–not so much, since relative to your own father he sounds like a saint. Both positions understandable I think.
My objections if you want to call it that is that you made your point pretty early–why keep coming back and pushing it. What are you expecting to gain from that?
I tend to agree with it with your point frankly. To me $25 isn’t that big of an issue. The name calling, etc is a much bigger button for me. If my dad or FIL ever made a comment like that and didn’t correct his behavior after a discussion I would take corrective action, and that might include excluding him from my life. Choices sometimes have to be made as you are well aware of.
I appreciate that you choose NOT to get into ‘worst parent’ contest! I would see nothing to be gained by that–other than to make me sad for other people. But for the sake of argument, lets say you had posted your reason the breakup with your family and some guy came in and posted that he felt the reasons were petty. All I am saying is put yourself in the Dutchman’s shoes.
This will be my last post in this thread, as I have said my piece. The Flying Dutchman—for what it is worth, I do agree with Lissener in that I would likely not write off your FIL. But I also think that many posters have suggested ways to deal with him and inform him of your concerns and let him know that there are consequences if he doesn’t adjust those behaviors. Since Christmas is past–it isn’t likely he will be visited by three ghosts anytime soon. Good luck 
Ah. Good. So let’s make sure he spends the rest of his life *paying for it. *“Gee, FIL, I’d love to give you about half as much money as I spend on Starbuck’s in a month but, well, you remember that time you called my daughter “fat”? Remember that? Well, while you’re sitting alone in the dark, you just meditate on that, K? I’m teaching my daughter a valuable lesson in how to deal with moochers. She’ll be a much better person for it.”
Wait till he’s old and alone, and then get your revenge! Mwahahaha!
You people make me wanna cry. Give me the old fart’s address, I’LL send him the goddamn $25, if you’re too busy teaching your daughters how to be better people.
I never meant to suggest he shouldn’t be called on his behavior. But attaching behavior modifications as conditions to the $25 is blackmail. Or extortion. Or whatever. THey should be separate issues. The $25 is based on the fact that he’s old and valued; the talking to is based on the fact that he’s insensitive. Using one to leverage the other is wrong.
I withdraw my recommendation then. The wording of your OP led me to assume that he was pretty much just a constant jerk to his family.
Well, I know you don’t actually value me - except, perhaps, as one of a critical mass of posters on a pretty neato message board.
No way I’m worth an entire $25.00 to you, but I’d appreciate it if you’d forward a mere $10.00 a month into my paypal account. (caprismall@yahoo.com) until I die. Any problem you might have with this request is a separate issue entirely and we can hash it out all you’d like. That should not, however, prevent you from sending your payment.
I think most people’s hang-up is that old and valued does not equal deserving of money no strings attached or questions asked. Especially not to an in-law - no unconditional love there…
Semi, I have a quite well to do grandfather who much to my distress was storing money in accounts under my name till I was about 25. Of course I was not a signer on these accounts but I still had to pay income taxes on the $4-$5K a year he was making in interest on those acounts. When I asked my dad about it, he basically said deal with it, hes doing it to your sister and cousin too. So in a nutshell I didn’t have to pay grandpa, he just transferred his taxes to his grandkids. Its still a touchy subject for me since I was dirt poor and making payments to the IRS to cover it. In addition, I had to skip out on several college acceptances because I was disqualified for several financial aid items due to the fact that I had massive savings accounts :rolleyes:.
So I tend to be a little pissy about this type of thing.
Just so we’re clear, lissener, I never said a word about getting even, or not giving him the money that he so charmingly demands. My response to you was concerning why Dutch had more respect for his own Dad than he did for his FIL. You took what he said about them both and made one seem like a cheerless workaholic and the other a happy-go-lucky buddy. All I did was point out the fact that Dad worked hard and took care of his family, while FIL poorly managed his money (so that his terribly ill wife, whom he should have been caring for, had to provide for the family), treated his family to his bad side while others got the fun side, and deprived them of some of the basic needs. I’ll tell you who’d get my respect every time (here’s a hint–he’s the responsible one).
Now, I was raised to honor my elders, and because of that, I would treat the man respectfully. And I’m sure I’d hand over the cash. But I would NOT respect his actions or his attitude.
Surely you could have had him reported for tax fraud or some such.
What the hell? Why didn’t you talk to the police, or a lawyer?
This is territory that I’ve had to step through very carefully myself. I’ve tried too hard to be a dutiful daughter and over time it did great damage to me. It’s only been within the last couple of years that I have been able to balance the feelings of love that I have for my mother with an awareness that it is emotionally healthy for me to set boundaries.
And I have to choose boundaries that I can live with in good conscience after she is gone. Just a reminder, lissener, my mother is almost 93 and has a personality disorder that involves cruelty. I have a history of a mental illnesses that makes me susceptible to guilt.
This isn’t about vengenance for me or points scored against her. It is about the “personal satisfaction” that comes from making emotionally healthy decisions.
I don’t know how you or the Dutchman choose to show respect or value. I don’t usually do it by throwing money at someone who is holding his breath and turning blue until he gets his way. I just don’t reenforce tantrums. I would be more inclined to take him out for a good meal once a week – with the understanding that he insults no one at the table. If that doesn’t work, I’d take him somewhere else the next week, but eat before picking him up.
What’s with this “Do what I say and not what I do” approach of yours?
All behavior modification involves a bribe of sorts. The bribe is attention. Your argument that the old man should get whatever he wants or else it is “blackmail” is ripe. I guess he is blackmailed into abiding my civil and criminal laws too.
Peace to you, lissener. I often agree with you. Just not this time.
So I can see where you’re coming from, Zoe. I have family that I would treat differently too. That’s why I’ve made an effort to consider the OP objectively, and not to bring more of my own issues to bear any more than I can possibly help.
In any case, I’ve reached a point where I’m repeating myself, rather than adding anything. I hope Dutchman finds a way through this that works for his family.
The first time I had to pay a tax on interest income for Gramps, I would have kept a copy of the 1099s with the account numbers and bank names…and gone over to the bank and looted the accounts. Teach the old fucker a lesson.