I have just been named Supreme Invincible Ruler Over All Things That I Care About and None Other. SIROATTICANO. You can call me SIR for short. My first edicts are as follows and are effective immediately:
Anyone who uses any toilet that may possibly be used by others and fails to take whatever measures necessary to ensure upon completion of their business thereon or thereabouts that the seat is clean and readily useable by another shall be subjected to the punishment of cleaning all surfaces of each toilet of the realm, and the surrounding floor, by method of their own tongue for a period of not less than 30 days, during which time no other food or water shall be ingested by the convict. Let them depend on slobs such as themselves for sustenance.
Anyone who shall take the last of the coffee from a communal coffee pot and fail to immediately brew more shall be steeped in near boiling water until all of their essence is removed and their remains discarded in the compost pile. The resulting essence water shall be poured into the Royal dog food bowl on top of the dry kibble, in appropriate amounts to make proper gravy for said kibble, until gone. Those who will not brew will be made into stew, doggy style.
Anyone who attempts to give a sensible rebuttal to any of my edicts shall be guilty of persnickitery and sentenced to not less than 6 months of turning the compost pile by hand. During the duration of the sentence the prisoner shall not be allowed to wash or bathe said hand(s).
Sorry dude. I still have the keys to Skald the Rhymer’s secret lair. I’ll be sending the assassin-bots AND the flying monkeys after you. Nothing personal. I just have a thing against alleged supreme ruler types that aren’t me.
Oh, great and powerful SIR, do you care about litter? If so, would you please issue a decree that all offenders be made to crawl on hands and knees along a busy street, picking up litter with their mouths for no less than six months? As your humble servant, I beseech thee.
Anyone who, while motoring slightly ahead of me in an adjacent lane and approaching a crimson traffic signal, veers into my lane and in front of me in order to be “first” when the signal changes to shamrock, shall have each and every of their orifices packed with Vegemite for 24 hours.
Any able-bodied adult who, upon leaving a public restroom, uses a paper towel in order to avoid touching the door handle and then throws said paper towel on the floor, shall be required to place the bare palms of his/her hands upon every faucet, handle, flush activator, etc in the facility for a full 10 seconds, then to exit the facility without washing hands, and to refrain from any handwashing for a full hour.
Typos and unintended spelling mistakes may be pointed out but shall not be punished. Those who purposefully misspell or misuse punctuations marks shall be made to wash graffiti off walls and other surfaces, preferably under bad weather conditions.