My friend has become the center of his own little universe :(

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

My best friend and I used to be inseperable. I met him in 3rd grade, and barring a 2 year “trial separation” in High School, have been best buddies.

…Until this past year. Last February, he moved out of his parents home. Even though he was farther away, I still drove to his apartment on the weekends and hung out with him. However, things have (and are) steadily decayed. See, my friend seems to attract a certain quality in other people. Needy people. People who have issues with their parents. People who want to move out of their homes but can’t for various reasons. People who have catastrophe after catastrophe follow them. People who violate the security of his house.

Basically, ever since he moved into his apartment, 2 or 3 indirect friends of his more or less ‘moved in’ to his house. I go to his house and its almost like a commune, with one big exception- nobody contributes rent to my friend. Nobody helps him maintain his apartment, nobody buys their own food. I told my friend a few months ago that he’s running a goddamn welfare state in his own apartment.

I do take pity on the people that stay with him- some of the stuff that happened to them they have no control over. However, they don’t have any willingness to go out and look for work, or help with the work around the house. I have a sneaking suspicion one or two may have gotten kicked out of their homes due to laziness, and are now mooching off my friend. I asked my friend how he can afford to live like this, and he told me, “paycheck to paycheck”. The guy works ten hours a day and barely makes enough to support himself, and he’s got all these freeloaders at his house. It makes me sick. It makes me guilty whenever I eat his food, or spend the night. I really don’t want to be part of that ‘community’, I wouldn’t fit in- I’m the only one who is proactive to search for work when I need it, and tenacious to cope with calamaties without having to ponder suicide or run away from home.

This whole situation has taken up a lot of my friend’s time. I can’t even have a telephone conversation with him without him simultaneously talking to 2-3 other people. If him and I are playing a tabletop game, he is constantly having to get up and deal with someone having a hissy fit, or someone spilling something on something delicate/valuable, etc.

I would have thought this happens to friends who get married/have kids. My friend is single, but has to deal with three grown-up children presently :mad:

2

Am I jealous of his other friends? Hell yes! I’m not afraid to admit that.

The fact is, we get along so well, and have known each other for so long, I really appreciate my time with him. Its the closest non-romantic relationship I’ve ever had, and the epitome of a close male friendship.

3

Have you told him this? If not, I’d suggest you do (in the nicest terms possible). There’s nothing you can do to convince him to quit letting himself be used, but you can express concern and tell him your opinion of the situation from your own perspective. If it were me, I’d also tell him that I miss the one-to-one time we used to share.

You can’t change the way your friend deals with other people, and you can’t make him learn to set boundaries and limits. Those are things he has to do on his own. You can, however, do something about the way it affects your friendship. Can you find places other than his apartment to get together? If you can get him out now and then, you’ll be not only doing him a kindness but also reminding him of how much fun it can be to have friends who are independent peers rather than resource-sucking liabilities.

4

The frustrating thing about my friend is that when it comes to being used, it seems like he really has to come to the realization himself. We’ve played out situations similar before- I tell him people are exploiting him, he denies it. 1/2 months later he comes back and admits that what I said was true.

Sometimes I wonder if deep down he wants to believe me, but I’m not being persuasive enough.