A good friend of mine, I’ll call him Jim (53M) is in a band that has achieved some level of fame in the Ohio/Pennsylvania/West Virginia/Maryland area. I go to any shows nearby. Because Jim and his wife, I’ll call her Sue (50F) have a son Mike (17M), Sue rarely can make it to a show.
I am also friends with the other two guys in the band. Recently they approached me and told me that months ago a “groupie”, let’s call her Homewrecker (22F) has been following the band, specifically to flirt/talk with Jim. They suspect more than casual conversation has been going on. Homewrecker has driven considerable distances to see the band and she has gotten a motel room for after the show. The band also will get a room and the last couple shows Jim has spent the night somewhere other than the band’s room. When asked “WTF?” Jim tells them it’s none of their business.
I’m now in an an awkward situation. The band guys have shared their info but only to see if I had any suggestions on what they should do. They do not want Jim to know that they’ve come to me. My gf and I will be attending a graduation party for Mike in a few weeks, and Jim and Sue (Mike’s parents) will, of course, be there. At this time, as far as I know, Sue does not know that anything is going on.
Suggestions? It is a really sad situation. When I told my gf about it she actually shed some tears.
Agree with Jim, It’s no one’s business but his. If Sue brings it up to you, tell her to talk to Jim. Who knows, maybe they have an open marriage* or something else other than affair may be going on. Again, say nothing and tell the band not to say or tell you anything too.
*Which again, is no one else’s business but theirs.
MYOB, IMO - if you get involved in any way, it will wind up being your fault. If you tell Jim, he will blame you for breaking up his marriage. If you tell Sue, same thing.
What on earth do the band members expect you to do?
I dunno. If I received relatively strong info suggesting that a “good friend” of mine was doing something really stupid/crappy, I think it is likely appropriate to at least ask the friend if the rumors are tru.
If they are, then maybe that will be cause to re-evaluate your friendship (if you think the idea of people cheating on spouses is relevant to whom you are friends with.) If they aren’t, maybe you could help him confront the unfounded rumors.
Is your loyalty more to the bandmates, or the friend?
I re-evaluated my friendship w/ and distanced myself from a guy who cheated on and fucked over his wife. I would’ve had no problem with his being upfront and divorcing her.
Definitely insert yourself into the middle of a rocky relationship. That’s never not a good idea.
In case you can’t tell, that’s sarcasm.
Do what everyone else is going to do, just talk about them behind their back. It’s the polite thing to do!
If you have to say anything, voice your concerns directly to Jim and NOT to Sue. More than likely he’ll tell you to mind your fucking business, at which point you should.
It’s kind of a shitty thing to do to Sue, but he’s her problem, not yours. Don’t make it yours.
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They, like me, are friends with Jim and Sue and see a train-wreck about to occur and were hoping I’d have some words of wisdom. Once Mike heads off to college, Sue will likely be around when the band performs, and Homewrecker will be there.
I would love to talk with Jim and try to get him to see how wrong this is, but I’ve promised the other two band-mates I wouldn’t out the fact they discussed it with me.
If Mike were dating Homewrecker that would be cool, not so much with Mike’s dad.
Wise words of advice that I live by: Don’t drive between semis on the interstate and don’t involve yourself in other people’s domestic affairs. You can end up getting trapped in the middle.
Does your girlfriend whom you’ve talked to know Jim or Sue or is there any chance they may come in contact this them? Even if you don’t think so, keep your mouth shut as it’s moreso none of her business as she’s now two persons away from the truth. You’ll be surprised at how the six degrees of separation can connect people. Especially when it’s someone in a band that’s reached a local area “…level of fame…”
At this point, despite the number of people who are telling you that you should stay out of it, it seems like you’re looking for the one person who tells you that you should get involved.
Assuming the band’s story to be absolutely true, all you know at this point is:
There is a groupie who likes to see the band and, specifically, talk to Jim
She books a motel room to stay in for the shows that are farther away
Jim has not been in the the band hotel room for the last couple of shows
The rest is suspicion and conjecture. It may be truth or it may be perception. If you go to Jim’s wife with only the known facts at this point (which certainly seem suspicious) then he has tons of room to build plausible deniability. If you throw in the conjecture parts, then you have saddled her with trying to figure out the truth of the matter when that may not even be possible. One other choice would be to go to Jim. If, OTOH, you promised your other band member friends that you would not, then you have put yourself in a bind - break a promise to 2 friends or lose the opportunity to intervene for another.
At this point, I would advise the band to continue to press Jim on the issue and I would stay out of it. They are in the best position to get to the truth.
Also, be less specific in your details in cases like this unless you’ve already fudged the details. You never know if someone on these forums could put 2+2+2+2 together. Hmm…53 y/o three piece band member + 50 y/o wife + 17 y/o son + popular in Ohio/Pennsylvania/West Virginia/Maryland. Hey! Know who “Jim and Sue” are! Or even worse, Jim or Sue could be reading your post!
Edit: This is one of the rare cases where it may actually be better to post it here vs talking about it personally. But remember that everything you post can be viewed by 202,857 member + unknown tens or hundreds of thousands of non-members.
If you’re real good friends with Jim, then this can be between you and Jim. You can talk to him and let him know that this bums you out. Any result of such a conversation can be unexpected. Are you willing to live with the worst outcome? Again, hard to predict. You may end up at odds with Jim, and possibly that circle. Ultimately, this really is for Jim and his wife to deal with. It sucks all around, best of luck with whatever you choose.
IF Jim is cheating, he knows it’s wrong. No one needs to tell him that. He’s rationalizing it to himself in some way, i.e., “I know it’s bad BUT–” Long time ago, actually almost 50 years ago, I cheated on my first husband. If anyone had come to me and said, “You know this is wrong,” it wouldn’t have deterred me. I did what I did for my own misguided reasons.
Chances are Sue either knows or suspects. And if she does, she’s either come to terms with it (“Musicians out of town–” <shrug>) or she’s biding her time. Telling her would do exactly what?
I believe Jim is the one who should be called “Homewrecker”. I mean, the young lady in question is not the one breaking any vows. (Assuming any of this is true)
