My friend is cheating on his wife

In My Humble Opinion
61

The 80’s called, they’d like to remind you that the game has changed. Anyone who is being cheated on is in an unsafe situation. Anyone who cheats is putting their partners health at risk.

I can’t believe people still spout this 1950’s BS about it being nobody’s business. OF COURSE it is the business of decent people to let others know when they are being hoodwinked and placed in possible danger.

If a friend of mine said this to me, I would say “I’ll give you until Saturday to have this conversation on your own. If you don’t, I’m going to tell her.” But then, I’m pretty sure all my friends know this about me.

Tonight could be the night she gets pregnant. Tomorrow could be the day he infects her with HIV. All this week she may have been loyally fending off the advances of the love of her life - because she thinks she’s in a committed relationship worth sacrificing for.

Your friend is an absolute louse. This is not a case of making a single mistake, for which he is horrifically sorry, and has convinced you he will never repeat. This is not a man taking responsibility and going to the doctor to get tested regularly for the next couple of years, and making excuses to use condoms with his wife until he’s sure it’s safe for her. This is a man without conscience, who wants to drop a nut whenever it’s offered and let his wife suffer the consequences.

Tell. Her.

62

In which case,is it really such a terrible loss to lose a friend like him?
The thing is, he could bring home an std, he could take up with a crazy woman, his wife could get pregnant (and the life of a single mom is not the easiest)…

It’s just my opinion, but it’s an incredibly shitty thing to know and not tell her.

As for keeping this friend around because he’s not a saint, I find it hard to believe that this world is so filled with shitty people that, shrug, oh well he’s a cheater, might as well stay friends because everyone is just as bad.

63

Many years ago, I worked with a (single, never married) man. We hit it off as workmates, and maintained contact briefly after leaving the sinking ship that was employing us.
He was “dating” a married woman.
Unlike the OP’s friend who apparently nails everything willing, this appeared to be a serious relationship.
I didn’t know her name, let alone her husband’s.

I still liked him, but there was this huge block called “responsible” mating.

Back then, I was still dating.

One married woman and I hit it off. She was bored and in a loveless marriage. Her cultural background made divorce nearly impossible.
I had a policy of “No Marrieds”. It hurt, but I stuck with it.
She was, approx. 2 years later, seen with a man not her husband.

4 years later, she and (original) hubby made Herb Caen’s column as a couple.

Sorry Jackie, but you really should have left while the getting was good.

For OP - if you know the wife by sight, you owe her the story.
This is not a new LTR likely to lead to a split. This is just plain betrayal.

I don’t know what I would have done if I knew the co-worker’s lover and/or her hubby.
He never mentioned a last name, and I’m not certain he even mentioned a first name.

He left the area for his next gig - I don’t know if she went with him. I never asked.

64

Unless in an open relationship cheating is hugely unfair to the other partner. That person is potentially exposed to all sorts of funky STDs that she has no adequate protection from. Even kissing will give you herpes. It’s just not right. People should have all the relevant information when they are intimate with someone.

What to do? That’s a tough one.

65

I think cheating is still a hurtful, unfair act in open relationships, they have just defined it on different-than-usual terms.

66

That’s a pretty strong accusation to be hurling around without good reason. Would you honestly look any one of the posters who have given the “Mind Your Own Busness” advice in the eye, personally, and call them a coward? Really? I would suggest that you would not, and thus it is an inappropriate acccusation to be making.

There are countless good reasons for people to stay out of something like this. For a start, we don’t know the nature of the relationship. Maybe the wife does know. Maybe she doesn’t know but wouldn’t care even if she did. Maybe she doesn’t know and doesn’t want to know.

Let’s assume that she doesn’t know and wouldn’t be too happy if she found out. What, exactly, does telling her achieve? If she divorces him, congratulations, you’ve ruined two lives. And I would suggest hypothetical you is as much to blame in that situation as he is.

You can argue he shouldn’t be having it off with someone else etc, and that’s as well as may be, but it’s still not your place to blow the whistle on the whole thing, absent special circumstances like knowing dangerous STDs are definitely 100% involved.

If she finds out because he gets careless and his wife sees him looking at sexts from his mistress, then that’s one thing. If she finds out because you decide to ride in on your mighty steed with gleaming armour, then that’s another and I would suggest you must also accept some responsibility for whatever happens as a result.

What, exactly, do you hope to acheive? Punishing your friend for a wrong he’s committed against someone who isn’t you? What else would you decide your friend should be punished for that you don’t like and doesn’t affect you?

The golden rule is that we treat others as we wish to be treated. Perhaps a lot of people giving the “Stay out of it” response are behaving in that way? In other words, if their spouse was being unfaithful they would want their (doubtless well-meaning) friends to stay out of it.

It’s all well and good to take the high road on the internet, where it’s just words on the screen shared with people you don’t really know - but when in the real world, I repeat my earlier advice - stay out of it; no good can come of getting involved.

67

Hermitry has its upsides.

68

OP here; thanks, all, for the good discussion, especially after the swift early rush of “MYOB.” (Not to say that that crowd is wrong, but it makes me feel less crazy to hear that other people understand where I was initially coming from.)

To try to answer some of the things…

My friend did not explicitly ask me for advice, though we’re close enough and have exchanged unsolicited advice freely enough over the time we’ve been friends that there was a tacit acceptance when he filled me in that I was welcome to comment. I have, however, tried to move carefully - beyond, as mentioned, the initial discussion with him about disease, emotional entanglements, and the pain what he’s doing will cause his wife.

He has not asked me to cover for him, and I interact so seldom with his wife that I don’t think it would come up. When I said I was not friends with her that’s not to say I don’t know her; I do, but she is often away from home for long periods for work, and when I do see her…well, we just don’t click. Nothing terrible about her, and my lukewarm response to her is irrelevant to what my friend is doing to her.

Why am I friends with him, and will I remain friends with him? It’s hard to say. Terrible though I think what he’s doing is, it’s also hard to totally dismiss all the many good qualities I’ve seen in him. Stupid though this may sound, he’s been a very kind and - yes - loyal friend. If I were ever in trouble or stranded somewhere in the middle of the night, he’s the person whose number I’d call. In so many ways he’s a smart, funny, thoughtful guy.

That does not diminish the terribleness of what he’s doing to his wife, and in spite of his good qualities, the moment he told me I confess that I became a bit wary of him: I’m his friend, but she’s his wife, and if she can’t trust him, what chance do I have? I can’t immediately “unfriend” him, but I might have to slowly start the process.

Part of why I think he should just end his marriage is not just because it would be kinder to his wife (again, he’s made clear that he’s not going to stop cheating), but because I suspect that he would also be happier. I think he loves his wife, but he also doesn’t seem to mind terribly when she’s away. He seems born to be a single guy, and his behavior - having flings here and there - would not be my style of things, but it would be fine if he were single. When he told me what he’d been up to it was in the same kind of tone that someone with a drinking problem might tell you that they just know they’re never going to sober up: as though they’d faced their demons, struggled with them, been defeated time and time again, and knew that it was just a part of themselves that they couldn’t excise. Could he stop cheating? Yes, he absolutely could - and should - in the same way that that alcoholic should put down the bottle. But if he knows that he just won’t do it, I hope he either tells his wife or splits up with her.

He’s sure his wife doesn’t know, and he’s also sure that she would be very upset if she found out. But maybe she does know - or at least suspect it - and maybe she’d be more fine than he expects if he told her. Who knows - people come to all sorts of understandings. Maybe I should just encourage him to come clean to her, and if that leads to divorce, well, at least she knows; but maybe she’ll say that as long as he comes home at night to her she’s fine with whatever else he wants to do.

69

if he can’t be loyal to his wife, what makes you so sure he’ll be loyal to you or anyone else?

70

If you’ll read my whole post you’ll see I know I can’t be sure.

(Didn’t mean that to sound snarky.)

71

While you can never truly know another person, especially second hand over the internet, I have encountered a number of men who treat their fellow men one way (loyalty, honesty, etc.) and women in a very different way (use 'em and lose 'em). And the other way around for some women I’ve known.

“Cheats on his wife” may or may not mean he’s trustworthy in other aspects of life.

When I was 20 I was very judgemental and would have been with the crowd saying out him to the wife and kick his ass to the curb. By 50 I’d become much less black and white in my thinking due to something called experience.

Is cheating a bad thing? Yes, yes it is. So is butting into other peoples’ relationships.

Given that the wife is gone away on business for long periods of time that’s giving the man in question far more opportunity to cheat than he otherwise would have - rather like truck drivers who have a “wife” in every town they stop in, or trucker’s wives who have men on the side when their husband is on the road. That doesn’t make it OK, it just makes it easier for the cheater to get away with it for a time.

Maybe the guy in the OP thought he could remain loyal to one woman and now knows he can’t. I agree that in an ideal world he’d get out of a relationship where he can’t hold up his end of the bargain and either stay single and/or stick to open relationships.

72

This would be a good path to pursue as well. They may find a way to make their relationship work, however complex that may be.

73

Un-less I’m witnessing the sex act, then it’s just talk. If I tell the wife this guy cheating, an it turns out not to be true. I get blamed for trying to ruin their marriage. Plus who to say this woman is not doing he same thing when she is out of town. Only have one side of a story, as I see it.

My only obligation is to not judge the person’s involved, and allow the events to unfold however they unfold. That is the only way people learn to change there life for the better. Doing what seems like the moral thing, is just a way to massage my own ego. Being better than others, playing the hero.

As a child I learned that a stove top burner was hot to touch. After one or two times that lesson has served me well. People have to learn to live and learn for themselves, and sometimes the learning comes with great pain. Everybody lies. There are NO exception.

In my opinion relationships are so lightly woven together these days. That there is a high likelihood cheating is going on in relationships more than the average couple would care to consider/admit. Most bury there heads in the sand thinking if I don’t see it. It’s not true.
If I look at everything as being Neutral, and not as good or bad, right or wrong, then there really is no problem.

74

Is it possible the OP is being lied-to by this friend, either as a joke, or a test of loyalty? Meaning, if he goes blabbering to the wife, the friend will ditch him as untrustworthy? I don’t know that friends would put one another in that position, but you never know.

75

No, that’s a completely absurd accusation. The person who’s actually doing something wrong (cheating) is the one who’s responsible for ‘ruining’ lives, trying to shift the blame to someone else is the sort of underhanded move I’d expect from a dishonest person like a cheater, but it isn’t remotely legitimate. If his life is ‘ruined’ because he refused to honor his word and betrayed someone very close to him, the blame for ‘ruin’ is on him. Especially since this hypothetical has him trying to make me an accomplice to his cheating.

Also, if she divorces him, why does that mean her life is ‘ruined’? It gives her a chance to find someone who actually cares for her and move on with her life, which is a much better ‘achievement’ than letting things sit as they are. That’s a pretty big improvement in her life, and if she doesn’t care that he’s cheating then she can just go on ignoring it.

Dangerous STDs are definitely 100% involved, do you think that cheating somehow prevents the spread of STDs? The wife is being denied highly relevant information about her level of STD risk, and even if the cheater is getting regularly tested (he’s probably not) along with his partner(s) the tests can only find a small portion of STDs, and that only after an incubation period. And if you believe that the people sleeping with him are only sleeping with him, I’ve got a bridge in Brooklyn you can buy.

And I don’t buy it a bit. Whatever mental gymnastics he uses to make betraying his wife OK he can easily turn towards anyone else. He might not have done so yet, but he’s made it clear that he doesn’t think that he should honor a solemn promise that is important to the other person. If he wants to betray you, he can just decide that you’re not a fellow man - he can convince himself that you’ve got some gay so don’t count, or can take some imagined slight and decide that you’re out of his group, or decide that you’re too [ethnic] to be one of the boys, or many other things.

76

How would that change your response to the situation, though? If you’re in the ‘don’t tell’ crowd, then you’re not saying anything anyway. If you’re in the ‘do tell’ crowd, you’ve probably written off the ‘friend’ already, and if not do you really want a friend who’s playing that kind of psychological game at your expense?

77

To me that’s way too cynical. Even people who can recognize nuances and grey zones can still, at the end of the day, recognize rights and wrongs. What’s the point of denying morality at all?

One never knows, but this is extreeeemely unlikely. I believe he was dead serious.

78

Since I have found very, very few people in this life who can actually be trusted to keep promises that makes him no different from 90% or better of the rest of the human race.

We talk a lot about honesty, integrity, loyalty, etc. in our society but damn few actually put it into practice, especially when holding to our word would be inconvenient, never mind difficult.

Like I said, if I cut off all contact with anyone who is less than perfect I’d wind up living in a cave out in the wilderness. I have to deal daily with people who are liars, racists, cheaters, petty thieves (not so much money as things like lunch in the community fridge at work), and so forth at work, out in the world, relatives, neighbors, etc. I find my spouse to share a similar level of ethics and integrity as myself, if I didn’t I would remain married, but outside of my own house I have low expectations for the rest of humanity. I just don’t have the energy to play moral crusader for the rest of the world.

79

Would I say it to their face? Durn tootin’ I would. I’m saying it now, again (though of course not to anyone’s face. But I can’t help that.)

And I’ll say it to you - your attitude in this post is deplorable.

"And I would suggest hypothetical you is as much to blame in that situation as he is. "

What the fuck is that? I’m not the one cheating. I am not to blame at all. If the relationship survives after I told, then fine. But if it failed after I told, then it was still doomed to fail. Is the wife “as much to blame” if she found out on her own?

" Punishing your friend for a wrong he’s committed against someone who isn’t you? "

Punishing? You have a weird view of how things work. The wife is already being punished but she just doesn’t know it.

“The golden rule is that we treat others as we wish to be treated.”

yes, and I’d want to know if my spouse was cheating on me. We’re talking close friends, not casual friends or coworkers. This isn’t me seeing my coworker boffing someone in the conference room. This is a close friend making me complicit in his deception.

“Might steed and gleaming armor”

Sounds like you’re projecting your fantasies onto me. I’m not an internet warrior. You sound like someone who is trying to justify their own weakness. Actually, you sound like a potential cheater.

“but when in the real world, I repeat my earlier advice - stay out of it; no good can come of getting involved”

Yes, good can come. The wife can know what is going on, and she can make decisions about what to do with all the facts. If I lost friends over this, I wouldn’t care! I wouldn’t WANT friends like this. I don’t need their crap clogging my life.

80

There’s a big gap between ‘less than perfect’ and ‘actively betrays people close to him’. And a big gap between ‘cut off all contact of any sort’ and ‘don’t treat a person like that as a friend’ (I can certainly work with people who I don’t like). I do consider friends to be ‘inside of my own house’, and I don’t see any need to welcome liars, racists, cheaters, petty thieves, and so forth into that circle. I would spend more energy trying to maintain friendships with people I don’t like than not being friends with them, so I don’t see the ‘don’t have the energy’ in a general sense, and in this specific sense to be a ‘moral crusader’ simply requires one minor burst of energy, so I don’t see the energy deal there.