So this friend of mine (no, it’s not me) is moving out to California in two weeks, and getting married on the 22nd in Reno, Nevada. She’s been dating this guy for two weeks, and says that it’s “The Love of a Lifetime” and although they have only been dating two weeks, they have known each other on the internet for about a year (nobody ever lies on the internet, right?). Two weeks ago she met this guy IRL, and they really clicked, so, she’s quitting her job, moving in with this guy in California (She’s never so much as visited his place out there), and marrying him all in a one month period.
The odd thing is, she’s never done anything even approching this rash before.
Can anyone relate to this, or at least give me some stories to tell her about how foolish she is being?
Arrrgh!
Well, Papa Tiger and I met casually on the internet, knew each other a couple of years but only corresponded about two times. We were living 6000 miles apart at that time. Then we saw each other four four days (at a convention we were both at), fell madly in love; six months later, we saw each other for ten days again; and then three months after that, I flew off to Japan and we got marrried. That was seven years ago.
Yeah, I saw this once, but the guy was some sort of control freak & the idea of course was to get her away from her friends & family & activities until the woman was completely emotionally dependent on him. Still is.
While I didn’t meet him on line, my husband and I only dated 4 weeks before we eloped - almost 20 years ago. I worked with a man who married his wife a week after they met, and they were approaching their 40th anniversary. I’ve also know people who dated for years, married, then wound up divorced.
I dunno, it can work; we’ve certainly got testimonies to prove that. But I say, what’s the rush? And that would be how I’d put it to her (assuming she’s listening to you). I’d say, being in love is fun, and the fuss of an engagement is fun. Why rush all those things? Moving out there is a pretty dramatic step; that’s a nice commitment right there. Why rush the rest?
I suppose I should add a caveat - I was nearly 30 when I married. If my 18 y/o daughter tried the same thing, I’d have to ship her off to a convent in the Alps or something. I do think it takes a certain amount of maturity to make such a decision so quickly, but since we mature at different rates, I wouldn’t even hazard a guess as to when one is mature enough.
Yes, these things can work, but I think it’s foolish to quit your job, move across country, and marry a man you’ve only seen once in person.
You asked for stories to convince your friend how foolish she’s being–I’ve got one for you.
My second cousin was married to a man for over 20 years. It turned out he was boffing the preacher’s wife, and never would have confessed if the preacher’s wife hadn’t felt guilty and admitted it. He showed no remorse, and my cousin filed for divorce. It turns out that her ex was something of a sex addict–he gave one of his daughters his old computer, but neglected to erase his porn from the hard drive. Really raunchy, disturbing porn, not your average Pamela Anderson nudie pics. And his other daughter stayed in his apartment for a while, and the guy had all these sex toys and mirrors on the ceiling in the bedroom. He left this stuff there for his DAUGHTER to find, who knew about his affair. The guy is a total creep. Seriously, I’m not giving all the details, but he seems to have no conscience.
After the divorce, he met a woman online, chatted with her for 2 months, then moved to Philadelphia from Texas to marry her. Now, I wonder if she knows about his affair and his sexual fetishes?
Point is, marriage is a huge, life altering decision. Your friend should make sure she really knows what the guy is like, not the persona he chooses to present online and in their one real life meeting.
i gotta admit that is awfully fast. at the least i would run a check on the guy (guy should run checks on gals as well). just for peace of mind.
on the job issue, she can file for unemployment in some places. if you have to move because of your spouse’s job and in some states fiance’s job.
my mum and dad met when mum was on vacation, they married 10 days later. if my mum had done a bit of a check before, she would have found out about his drinking problem before they were married, not a few months later when he went awol and got in trouble with the navy, not to mention with mum.
I know someone that was foolish enough to go to Tazmania. Is that far enough? It lasted about 2-3 months. I think you hear the success stories more than the failures. My guess is that it has a good chance to be something quite different than what is expected. I wouldn’t do it although California is OK.
All relationships involve a degree of foolishness. Hopefully it will be the good kind, and things will work out nicely. If not, well then it’s another opportunity for personal growth and learning.
My sister was in the military, stationed at Ft. Lewis in Washington. She met a guy and he proposed after three days. They married within three weeks. They’ve been married for 24 years, raised four daughters, had one set of twin girls that died, through postings overseas and domestically. Very literally for better and worse, richer and poorer, sickness and health. I can’t think of a better man than my b-i-l.
When my ex and I broke up, she pleaded with me to let her take the kids out of state so she could marry a man she had never met who lived in New Hampshire.
I told her to go get married, but the kids were staying put.
Of course right after she said she was coming to see him, his 6 bedroom house burned to the ground, his million dollar a year business went bankrupt and he ended up living in a homeless shelter because “he didn’t like hotels”
Wow. Well, I wish your friend the best, but I have to agree with Toddly. I’m glad to hear some success stories but I can tell you that I went through a similar thing and it did not work out as well.
I met a woman about the time I was moving out of Chicago for headed to LA. Ironically, she was moving to Chicago just as I was moving out. (In fact we met because I was looking for someone to take over the last few months of my lease). We hung out for about a week in Chicago, then she visited me three times in LA. Each visit lasted a few days. Then we both decided that, especially because she didn’t much like Chicago, she should move out to LA.
Short version: she’s a wonderful person, but we were not a good fit for each other, and it did not work out.
The fact that she had moved all the way out here put lots of pressure on our relationship.
In particular, I felt extremely conflicted about the fact that (1) it was obvious to all concerned that things were not working out, but (2) she had moved all the way out here so we could be together, so I felt like I couldn’t just walk away from what eventually became a toxic relationship.
In retrospect, I think that we wound up staying together much longer than we should have (anybody else done that?), and I think it’s because we both kept thinking (at least I know I did) hell, she moved all the way out here, so we have a lot invested in this and we should try to make it work.
In retrospect its easy to see that didn’t make any sense (anybody else ever think in retrospect that their decisions didn’t make a lot of sense?) And in fact, at the time there was a part of me that knew that it didn’t make any sense. But the thing took on a momentum and a logic of its own.
