Jack is a good friend of mine. He’s apparently in love with Diane, and I heard through the grapevine that he proposed to her on Easter Sunday. Sure enough, he called me up the next day and confirmed. He had hidden the ring in an Easter egg. She said yes, and everyone lived happily ever after…
…well, so far anyway.
The problem is, they’ve only been dating for four months. They’re clearly still in head-over-heels mode. What’s more is Jack has gone through something like this before. He briefly dated another girl before proposing and ultimately breaking it off and returning the ring. Jack still lives with his parents, and neither he nor Diane have graduated college yet.
Needless to say, I’m a little worried for him. He seems to have a penchant for bouncing right back up after failed relationships, but I’m afraid he’s in over his head here. I don’t want him to enter this marriage only to soon find out that it’s not right for him.
I’ve already voiced my concerns to him, as have our mutual friends, one of whom is slated to be his Best Man (I’ve earned groomsman duties). Fortunately, the date they’ve selected is over a year away, so by the time the wedding rolls around, he should have an even better idea of what he wants.
I know I sound really pessimistic, but I’m just looking out for him. I am excited and happy for him, and I want to support him in his decision, but at the same time I don’t want to usher him into a big mistake.
So have any of you gotten engaged within only a few months of dating? How did that turn out?
Well, if they set the date over a year away; I don’t see a problem here, other than the fact he may have wasted a bundle of cash on an engagement ring.
My husband and I were married 2 months after we first met. We met on Halloween, and were married on New Year’s Eve eve. We’ve been happily married for over 20 years! It’s sort of funny, as everyone thought I was pregnant, and that was why we were getting married. They got a big surprise when they realized that I wasn’t (I gave birth to our daughter 3 years after we were married)!
We decided to get married because we loved each other. Some folks have a tough time wrapping their minds around that idea. Sometimes, love just hits you in the face, and somehow, you just KNOW that it’s the right person and you just KNOW that it’s the right decision.
So, yeah, knowing someone for only a few months before marriage works out great sometimes!
Well, my husband and I knew each other for five years before we even realized we liked each other! Then we had a two-year “fling”, resulting, eventually, in our oldest daughter. When I found out I was pregnant, we decided to live together. When our daughter was 17 mo. old. we finally got married. We’ve been married for over 17 years, but with a background like that, I don’t guess you could call it a “whirlwind” romance!
My husband’s parents, however, were married just three months after their first date. After their first date, FIL told all his friends “That’s who I’m going to marry”. They’ve been happily married for over 50 years. In the words of my MIL “I’ve never once thouht about divorcing him; Oh, I’ve thought about killing him a few times, but never divorcing him”.
My own parents got married just a few months after they met, because my mom did get pregnant. While they had a somewhat stormier relationship, I believe there were really happy in the later years. They remained married for 41 years, until my mother’s death.
IMHO, it has much less to do with the length of the courtship than with how committed the couple is to staying married. You have to really decide that that’s what you want, and agree to ride out the rocky times. Because, believe me, no matter how much you love each other, there will be rocky times!
I understand your pessimism, and it may be well-founded. But a short dating period before engagement, in and of itself, tells you almost nothing.
I met my wife, Mrs. Maxx, in January 1998. We were married on April 17th 1998. Just a little over 4 months. We just celebrated our 8th wedding anniversary on Monday. I wouldn’t recommend the Quik-N-EZ Engagement [sub]tm[/sub] for everyone though. We have had our share of ups and downs, mostly involving finances, but right now I would have to say that marrying her was the best decision I have ever made.
I would be concerned too if a friend was doing this. My personal theory is that you need to know someone for at least a year to REALLY be sure that you’re seeing the real person. It’s so easy to be on your best behavior for a few months.
Another concerning factor is that it sounds like they’re both pretty young. People who get married before the age of 25 have a higher divorce rate to begin with, nevermind adding whirlwind romance into the mix.
I’m glad that he is at least planning on a long engagement, but I really hope that this doesn’t end up being a situation where he starts to have little doubts as time goes on but feels like he can’t get out of the situation because the plans for the wedding are already in motion.
I am the sort of person who would probably tell him how I feel about the situation, in the hope that it would encourage him to think things over carefully, but I admit that can be kind of a risky move…might make him angry if he tends to react badly to hearing things he doesn’t want to hear. Unfortunately, there are times when people need to make their own mistakes.
My neighbor met her husband on the phone. They talked on weeks one, two and three. He came to visit on week four, and moved in on week five. They announced their plans to marry on week six and married at about 4 months.
It’s now month 8, and they are divorcing- third marriage/divorce for both.
My parents got married 6 months after they met, at the age of 18! Still happily married 35 years later.
I understand your concern though. The problem I see here isn’t necessarily that they’ve only been dating a few months, but that your friend has a habit of doing things like this. Since you and others have already voiced your concerns, there isn’t much you can do at this point. Just be supportive of whatever he ends up doing. Trying to talk him out of it probably isn’t going to do much good, but you may have given him something to think about.
Also, the wedding is over a year away, which is probably enough time to allow them to get through the googly-eyed honemoon phase. Who knows, maybe he actually did get lucky enough to meet the right woman this time.
Aw, someone beat me to it! I was going to say that someone should write a song about all this.
**KeithT **and I got engaged after 7 months of a long-distance relationship so we probably spent less time together than Jack & Diane during their 4 months. Sometimes you know when it’s right. We spent a lot of time talking about the serious issues - kids, finances, future plans, interests, etc. - which can really help make things work out long term. I don’t know if they did that too, but if they have and they know they share common values and goals, it can certainly work after only a short period of time. Both KeithT’s and my parents were engaged after ~4 months, and well, my parents aren’t terribly happy, but they’re still together. KeithT’s parents seem to be pretty happy though so it can work.
If they do decide to go through with it over friends’ objections, please be supportive. There’s nothing worse than starting a new life together knowing that everyone thinks you’re making a mistake.
This is a very important point. My hubby and I spent a lot of time talking about the serious stuff, too. And it’s my understanding that, before they got married, his parents made a solemn promise to each other that, good times and bad, they would hang in there.
I think there are probably people who get married after knowing each other a short time, and, having discussed the important stuff, make it work. And people who know each other a long time, who’ve done nothing but coo over each other, who can’t make it work. As in most of life, anyone’s MMV.
The strangest one I have heard of was from one of my workmates. One of her friends met a guy for the first time on a Thursday night (payday I guess) and was engaged by Sunday night. When she told everyone on Monday they thought she needed psychiatric attention. Twelve years later they are married with two kids and apparently are a fantasticly happy family.
It’s encouraging to hear all these stories. My sister, too, got engaged relatively briefly after she started dating her husband. They’ve got two kids and have been married eight years now, so it can work out.
I really understand where you’re coming from, though - even with my sister, I was like :dubious: . See, SpouseO and I dated for about six years before we married (high school sweetheart - aww), and I’m always concerned for people who, to me, seem to “rush into” things. (Not that everyone needs to take as long as we did, but from where I’m coming from, sometimes a year of dating seems too short.)
My friend made this mistake - told me she was engaged a short 6 months after she met Michael. I’m all, “Do you even know this person?” Yep, she divorced 6-8 months after the wedding. (She was 25ish, I believe, if it makes a difference.)
So yeah, I think it’s okay to be concerned. And I think it’s cool that you’ve told him that you are. These things mean that you’re being a good friend, which is exactly right.
Sometimes, people just know - my sister did, my parents did (though they dated for a longer time, Dad told Mom that she was the woman he was going to marry after 6 weeks or so; 35 years later they’re still doing well), and all the posters in this thread seem to know.
Hubby and I got engaged after less than two months of dating. Granted, we waited another 18 months before getting married, but that was almost five years ago. Baby #1 is due any day now.
I made that mistake. I was engaged two months after meeting him. Was married less than a year after meeting. Looking back, I’d like to think that I wouldn’t have married him if I’d known him for a year or more, but realistically, it took about two years for all of the incompatability to come out. Sadly, we were married for five more years after that.
Doesn’t mean that it can’t work for some people, as evidenced upthread; but it didn’t work for me and I won’t be jumping into anything like that again.
Mr. Adoptamom and I met in late February and were married the same year on August 1st.
Looking back, it probably would have been easier on him if we’d waited to get married because I had a lot of leftover baggage from my first marriage. It took several years (probably close to 5) before I trusted him enough not to make the same mistakes my first husband had. My attitude took a toll on him, no matter how committed he was. Thank goodness he hung in there with me! In August we’ll happily celebrate our 20 year anniversary.
On a side note - he KNEW we were meant to be together the night we met. On our second date he talked about us rocking grandbabies together on our front porch. He was right - we just welcomed Isabella, our first granddaughter, into the world and couldn’t wait to take turns rocking her
