Have you consulted your parent or parents for their take on this? In this entire conversation re asking for advice, who to go to, appropriate measures, etc I haven’t seen you reference them even once as a possible source of advice. If my daughter was 15 I’d really like to have a conversation with her about the particulars of a situation like this if she’s contemplating taking action.
I also wanted to say:
Good on you that you are thinking of doing something.
Can you talk to your parents?
And someone needs to get involved. If you can talk to your parents, can they call CPS? I know you say she will never talk to you again, but I doubt that. She may not talk to you for a long time, though, maybe even years. It may take her that long to heal. But she won’t ever heal if she hides it.
I don’t know if my parents are willing to help in the first place. If I tell them, they’ll probably dismiss as bunk and tell me not to associate with Anna (well, I kind of can’t because I’ve never met her) again. I know my parents don’t want to get involved in other people’s affairs because they’re all about keeping our noses clean and not sticking them where they don’t belong.
I once heard about a similar situation, which was much more dubious (I knew about in on the internet, hence I did’t know the alleged victim, and for all I know “she” could have been a 50 yo man pulling my leg) and happening in a foreign country).
After failing to convince her to get in touch with the police/children protection/ a psychologit/social services/whatever or call a child abuse phone line, and since it appeared the situation would likely not change, I eventually got her adress and called the local police in said foreign country. They weren’t very conviced (and I can’t really blae them since I wasn’t convinced either and used a lot of “I don’t know if it’s true”, “maybe”, “just in case”). They eventually enquired after I asked someone from this country to call them too.
The story, though much more dubious than yours (at least you know the victim does exist) , turned out to be true. As a result, I’m always going to advise to act on such informations (I already thought one should, but it was only theorical up to this point). Maybe she’s lying, but the issue is too serious to let it go. Since you’re 15, you might want to explain the situation to a teacher (who, I think, we’ll have a duty to act) or your parents.
I would add that if she’s actually lying, she richly deserves to get in trouble. Accusing someone of a major crime really isn’t something that should get a pass, either. So, in both cases, you’d do the right thing.
We’re talking about child rape, here, not about a parking ticket or pot smoking. It’s a really serious issue. I’m sorry that you found yourself involved in such a situation, but now, you can’t possibly sit on your hands and ignore the problem. I’m afraid that the risk of losing a friend over an hypothetical evil lie is very minor by comparison with the risk of letting a 13 yo be raped by her father.
Your parents may not be your favourite people, but maybe you should give them a chance.
This is about getting a troubled girl some help, and possibly (probably?) about protecting her from rape. This is not something to mess about with, her life and health could be in real danger. Even if sexual abuse is not at the root of her problems, self-harm already puts her at increased risk of suicide, and she needs help to deal with that.
If you’re really concerned as to what they’ll say, start with the “I was reading this message board, and this guy said X”, and see how they take it. Parents are often more sensible than we give them credit for, and if you report it (which, by the way someone absolutely should) they’ll find out anyway.
If your parents don’t respond positively, drop it and go with your guidance counsellour (does Anna go to your school? If she does they’ll HAVE to report it).
You don’t have to know the truth, you should report your suspicions and let the authorities work it out. At worst Anna should get some counselling to deal with her issues, at best a child-rapist will be put away.
Another update: I just talked to my mother a few seconds ago and blurted everything I know about this. She was quite open and she said that the best I can do right now is to keep talking to Hannah first. She told me to suggest to Hannah to talk to her parents because we’re just both teenagers. We really can’t do anything unless an adult gets involved. But, Hannah has a bad relationship with her parents and she’s too proud to talk to them about anything because she thinks it’s “cool” to have bad relationships with her parents. :dubious: Anyways, Hannah and her parents know Anna more than I do. I think Hannah’s the only one in our school who knows Anna, but I’m still going to my guidance counselor. Thanks for all your suggestions. I’m keeping the CPS number in mind.
Two points:
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This is not really true. Anna could have told another person beside Hannah. Anna’s father might have said something that gave it away in conversation at work or at a bar. Anna’s mother might have figured it out from the ways thngs are at home and decided (belatedly and anonymously) to try something to stop it. Anna’s boyfriend might have been told (or figured it out) and reported it. If Anna has a sibling, the sib may have figured it out and reported it. (And while she may deny it, Hannah may also have told someone besides you.) Believe me, these events frequently leave scars on both parties that may send signals to others regarding what happened. Anna -> Hannah -> you is not even close to the “only” way someone might figure out abuse has occurred, and if Hannah decides that you were the conduit of information, you can point out that there were many other possible ways it became known.
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So what? I realize that you and Hannah might each consider this a serious breach of her trust, but I’m afraid that there are times when you should consider that a shared secret that continues to harm a third party is not an appropriate secret to keep.
As suggested above, you should “drop a dime” on the situation from a public phone, saying only that you suspect sexual and pschological abuse without giving any details (of which you have no verifiable details anyway). You will, in that way, not “get involved” (salving your parents’ concerns) and not compromise Hannah’s trust, but you will have done the right thing for Anna.
Tom, assuming the scenario is as described, we’re dealing with a sensitive situation involving adolescents where all the pertinent info is third hand FOAF. I can appreciate the desire not to let a child be harmed if the scenario is true, but “dropping a dime” before getting some more concrete confirmation about the veracity of the situation is effectively going to lob a short fuse grenade into the FOAF’s domestic situation.
On the off chance that these claims are not true, to have the police and/or a social worker show up at a person’s house asking essentially “Are you fucking your daughter?” is not going to be a “no-harm - no foul” situation if the accusations prove unfounded. The 15 year old FOAF has fair chance of being (effectively) thrown out of the house, and/or sent to live elsewhere.
In the end we have to weigh real world effects. I think the OP needs to get more concrete info from her friend, and consult with her parents before “dropping a dime” on anyone.
Thanks for reassuring me on this, tomndebb. I’ll try to do this ASAP and please just keep praying, everyone. Thanks.
This is why I’m still hesitant to tell CPS. I don’t have any verified facts. I have never met Anna and whatever I know about her, I’ve heard from Hannah. My mother told me that because I don’t know the claims, I should just keep talking to Hannah and if I’m really concerned, I should call Kids-Help-Phone and ask them for help. I’m giving second thoughts as to talking to my guidance counselor about this, though.
Please go to your guidance counselor about this, as you originally planned. Anna sounds like she is having some very serious problems. And if she is being raped, it’s extra important to get help right away. The guidance counselor will know who to call, and will be able to follow up on the situation. This is too much for you to have to bear by yourself. You will really be helping Anna by doing this. When someone is being hurt you have to get help. You are a good person for being concerned about this. The situation will never get any better if everyone just clams up about it.
If the suspicion is unfounded…which doesn’t necessarily mean someone is lying since this is like 3rd or 4th person info… it would hell of a lot worse to get the authorities involved than to just “clam up” about it.
And I dispute the premise that it would cause less damage to report an untrue rumor than to not report a true one. It can lead to results running the gamut from some psychological angst, years-long struggles that are finally overcome, and the total destruction of lives, just like rape can. But the person who got this information needs to weigh whether the possible positive results outweight the possible negative.
I wasn’t making any conclusions about the rape charge, and was not suggesting that daredevil007 should make any, either. But it does sound like something is very wrong with Anna – the cutting, the drugs, and all the rest, for a 13-year-old girl. And although it’s not something we like to think about, girls DO get raped. I think at the very least, some competent adult needs to take a close look at Anna’s situation, and that would be where the guidance counselor would be very helpful.
What ratatoskK said. Compromise between doing nothing and getting police and state/federal agencies involve. Get a teacher or counselor to talk to Anna, then let that person decide what to do.
Today, I wrote Hannah a very long note explaining my feelings on it and I also listed all the suggestions you have all given to me. I told her that she must at least speak to an adult she trusts and she said that she’ll go talk to the guidance counselor, thank God. We went to her office and she’s an absolutely wonderful woman. She told us that she’s drowning in university applications, but she told us that she’d meet up with us on Thursday at lunch. I know that she’ll be able to help both Hannah and Anna. Thanks again, everyone.
You’re doing absolutely the right thing, dare_devil007_, and if you don’t show up at the next TrannaDope so I can congratulate you personally I’m going to be very, very mad. 
The only way she has a chance of being thrown out of the house is if the allegations are true. There are numerous ways to tell, it’s not like the movies where a CPS agent runs in and steals the child. The parents and the child will be interviewed. The worst that could happen if the allegations aren’t true is that the child psychologists will say, your daughter has some major problems, get her some help. They don’t run in accusing the parents of rape with a microphone.
I think calling CPS would be the best way to not get involved directly. But before you do that I would definately talk to Hannah a little bit more. Maybe getting involved isn’t the smartest thing to do right now. Maybe get Hannah to go talk to a counselor about it.
My advice would be to not rush to conclusions or action right away.
Whoops, just saw this…
You handled it very well.
…um.
The school guidance counsellor is so busy doing university applications that she will not prioritise for a 13 year old student who may well have been raped, and who is certainly a cutter…any sooner than Thursday?
This is wrong.
Having been involved peripherally in a situation with accusations of child abuse that proved to be false, I am somewhat less sangine than you regarding the “worst that could happen” aftermath of accusations like these.
Depending on the personalities involved not every falsely accused parent, once vindicated, is going to be mollified by being patted on the head by case workers and psychologists, and being told to move on. Dealing with accusations like these can break a family into pieces, even if they aren’t true.
When the state invades a family’s domestic life, major, sometimes irreparable, lifelong fractures in occur in parent-child relationships. If real abuse is occuring there is every reason for the state to move in, but it does not move in on little cat feet, and when CPS becomes a major part of a family’s domestic reality things can change permanently, and not always for the better.