We didn’t tell the GC anything about the situation because we have to set an appointment date with her first. She had a staff meeting all lunch period, so we could only talk to her for about five minutes. We told her it’s urgent and the actual appointment is on Thursday, but she said that we can either come in the mornings and/or after school to talk to her because she’s always there from like 7:00 a.m. till about 6:00 p.m. I don’t have school tomorrow, so I might come to school a little earlier on Wednesday morning to talk to her by myself because Hannah lives a bit far from school and I don’t want her to feel hassled. Then, on Thursday, the GC can talk to both of us after she’s evaluated the situation a little bit and give advice to the both of us. But, we’re definitely talking to her. I’ll keep you all posted.
Good Job, daredevil. Talking to her Wednesday morning sounds like a very good idea. This gives her a heads up, and a chance to do some of her own research into the situation. I know well the effects of a childhood rape that goes unreported, unresolved. Thank you for doing this. Do remember to stress that the rape is unconfirmed, but that Hannah has seen other signs consistent with emotional trauma of some kind.
dare_devil007, you’re doing a really great thing. As you’ve already found out, it’s a lot easier to do nothing, to tell yourself it’s not really that bad, probably false, worse if you call it in unjustified, or someone else will do it. That is so common, in fact, that it has a name in psychology: the “Bystander effect”. In short, all the more praise to you. I hope you’ll get to feel as good about this as you deserve.
Now, though, I’d like to point out one tiny little thing you can think about for next time. In Kindergarten, I once got my thumb squashed between a metal see-saw and a block of concrete. If you had something to tell or ask the teacher, you stand in line until its your turn. So I dutifully lined up with the kids complaining that they missed their mommy, or that so-and-so was teasing them, or had taken their plastic shovel without asking, squashed their sand-pie, and so on. From the look on the Teacher’s face, I could tell that next time I’d better just cut in front.
In case you’re still in doubt, your story is the squashed thumb. The university applications are the squashed sandpies. Ok?
Hannah knows Anna from a professional children/teens choir in Toronto and they meet up every week. Yesterday, Hannah was supposed to see Anna at choir rehearsal, but when she got home, she told me that Anna wasn’t there. Another friend of Hannah’s told her that Anna’s parents were both out and there was no one to drive her there. I’m just glad that she wasn’t hurt by her father.
And yesterday, Hannah was being really strange while I was talking to her about the situation. She asked questions like, “What if the police won’t believe her if she tells them?”, “What can the GC do??”, and “Will the police still be able to know she’s been raped? It’s been two weeks.” She got me on the last one. I told her that the police and investigators will most likely have a “rape kit”, but I don’t know if they have to administer the exam a certain time after the rape before evidence disappears. The only stuff I know about crime scene investigation is from watching C.S.I., so any factual information about rape investigations is appreciated.
You’re both now thinking about things that are not up to you. Leave this to someone trained to handle with such a situation. They will now when to act and when not to, this situation is far too complex for you to handle by yourself. The path Hannah is now walking will lead to doing nothing for the wrong reasons. It is clear that this girl has a serious problem, but it’s not up to you to determine the exact nature of that problem. Leave that to the GC.
…ohmyGod, I’m 98% certain I’ve been in Hannah and Anna’s choir. I didn’t know this. :eek:
Eh? That’s interesting. I don’t know how well-known Hannah’s choir is, but they’ve been around for probably 20 to 30 years, perhaps? I’m not sure.
Arwin, Hannah just wants to know what will go on with the police and their investigation. We won’t be doing anything else until we talk to the GC.
dare_devil, just adding my voice to say you’re doing the right thing and you are very brave.
When I was in 7th grade (12years old) my best friend would come to school and tell me about her suicide attempts. She wasn’t an especially truthful girl, and I didn’t know if this was just another attention-getting ploy.
I called her mother.
My friend denied everything.
She (my friend) ended our friendship and used every bit of personal information she had about me against me for the rest of our schooling together (through graduation). This caused some very embarassing moments for me, and I lost a good friend in the bargain.
It was worth it. It was the hardest phone call I’ve ever made, but I would do it again.
Which was why I did not say that dare_devil007_ should actually accuse anyone of rape.
In the States, (or, at least in my county in Ohio), a call to CPS results in a visit to the child at school by a CPS worker followed by a (scheduled) visit to the home. No cops are beating on doors with warrants. I am also aware that there are CPS units out there that are ham-handed and incompetent. OTOH, just how much information do you think a reluctant Anna is going to provide to a spooked Hannah that dare_devil007_ can actually verify? I cannot predict a “good” outcome to an investigfation, but I still think the odds are better with a prompt call to the (one hopes) professional folks at CPS rather than a trio of teens hoping to “work this out” in an appropriate fashion while being careful to not quite reveal anything to each other, much less the authorities.
Given that the only “facts” that I would have expected dare_devil007_ to have provided to CPS were a knowledge of cutting and a suspicion of “abuse,” I would hope the the CPS folks could work out the necessary details on their own–including the discovery of the type of abuse, if any.
I think the current plan is a good one.
Well, I went to see the GC after school and I told her everything I know about the situation. She thanked me for coming to her in advance about it and she said she’ll think through this before tomorrow’s appointment. I know she’ll give us good advice. Thanks, everyone. 
Wow, Susan. That took some guts, especially at twelve years old. I’m glad you did that.
Well, today, I talked to the GC and she made some phone calls to social services. They all gave some numbers to hospitals in my area and the Kids-Help-Phone number. She also gave Hannah her home phone number and told her that if Anna wants to talk to her, then she gave her the number. But, the GC told us that if Anna does talk to her, she must report it to the authorities. Then, she also suggested Anna talking to one of her own teachers and Hannah said that Anna did talk to some teachers, but they never did anything. Then, the GC asked about Anna’s principal, but Hannah said that Anna doesn’t trust her principal and he doesn’t like her, anyways. Then, after we went to our class, Hannah said, “I don’t think anyone can do anything”, to which I replied, “No, it’s not that. If Anna doesn’t realize that she must talk to someone - an adult, I mean - then yes, no one will be able to do anything. And if she refuses to do that, then she’s only doing herself more harm than good.”
Sigh. 
I don’t know…I’m feeling a bit better about it. This could still work out well. Good job, dare_devil.
Today, Hannah’s choir is having a concert, so she will be talking to Anna about calling our GC, at the very least, or calling Kids-Help-Phone or something. The concert’s in the evening, and I don’t know what I should do. Should I write a letter to Anna or something like that? But I’m glad we got this far. I feel like it’s a step in the right direction. Thanks for all of your help, everyone. Just keep praying.
I think if you can rely on Hannah to communicate all of this to Anna, there’s no need for you to also write a letter. I assume that Hannah will give all the phone numbers to Anna in writing. That’s the main thing. Good job for everything you’ve done, it will be up to Anna and the GC now, or whoever else Anna may call.
dare_devil007_ this is such a difficult situation for you. You can be proud that you’ve taken steps to protect the friend of a friend. Hope everything turns out well for Anna.
Not to hijack this thread too much but it reminds me of a friend I had in grade school. This a long time ago, early 70s. I was in 4th grade, 10-11 years old, and started hanging around this girl who’s name was Karen though she preferred to be called Tina. She was loud and brash and a troublemaker and didn’t care about anyone or anything. She was a liar and constantly in trouble. I was a consummate naive goody two shoes who always did what she was told so Karen’s behaviour was attractive to me. She seemed to brave the way she defied authority.
We became close friends and remained close friends for the next couple of years. She looked at me as kind of a patsy and someone who was niave and gullible enough to listen to her bullshit and help her get away with stuff but we were friends. I was a willing audience and accomplish. She was exciting. During this time and with Karen’s urging I started smoking cigarettes, tried pot for the first time and had my first frank talks about sex with someone who was a peer. Karen’s parents were extremely strict. Dad was ex-military and they had very rigid rules in that house.
Karen told me at one point that both her dad and her older brother had raped her. I didn’t believe her because she was such a bullshitter and because I was a kid. I couldn’t believe that sort of thing actually happened to people. I remember one time watching Karen’s mom beat her with a belt for some infraction. This was a house where fear and chaos reigned. We spent most of our time at my place where things were more laid back and rules were few.
She was constantly in trouble, constantly trying to get high and constantly talking about running away. She also was preoccupied with sex. Talked about it all the time and was extremely proud of the number of boys she’d had sex with. (remember we’re only 11-12 when this is happening) We eventually grew apart (mostly because she treated me like shit). By 7th grade we didn’t hang out much at all anymore. She pulled her braces off her teeth with a pair of pliers that year and got expelled from school and I didn’t hear any more about her for a long time.
15 years or so later Karen shows up in a counseling center where my mom works. She’s paralyzed from the waist down from an argument with her BF over drugs. She’s an alcoholic and an addict and homeless. Eventually she took her life. Karen’s older sister ended up in jail for murder. What became of the other sister and the brother I don’t know.
And now, all these years later, I don’t have any doubt that she was being abused by the older brother and the father. Now, as an adult who’s been in counseling and learned alot, I can see that all of that acting out was much, much more than just a bad kid.
I feel really sad for Karen because to everyone she seemed like a troublemaker and a pain in the ass but I now believe she was just a kid in pain with no way out. I wonder how it could have been different for her.
Anna is lucky to have friends who care enough about her to do something.
Well, Hannah told me this morning that she talked to Anna at the concert. And she couldn’t convince Anna to talk to our guidance counselor or even call Kids-Help-Phone. We don’t know what to do now…
30 years ago, I was Anna. I told my best friend what was going on at home. She told her mother, and I begged them not to take it any farther. I think I was sort of glad they didn’t say anything at the time, but now I think that friend was the worst friend I ever had. They should have told someone who could help. In breaking the silence, I didn’t know then what I really know now; I was asking for help. I never got it. The abuse stopped a year later when my father died in an accident, but I never got the help i needed. I am mostly ok now, but getting here was a hell of a lot harder than it could have been and some of the beds I made in the process were alot harder than I needed to be.
I know why I was afraid of it getting out. I was afraid if my mom found out she would leave my dad, then I was responsible for their breakup. I was afraid if my mom found out she wouldn’t leave my dad and then I wasn’t worth the bother. I was afraid I wouldn’t be believed. I was afraid of it stopping, because that might mean he had moved on to my sisters. I was afraid of finding out he had touched my sisters because then I would have to kill him.
She is asking for help in so many ways. Cutting and telling Hannah were two very important calls for help. The next step could be a suicide attempt. What if she succeeds? Whether or not the rape is true, (and I am sort of inclined to believe it), there is something bad going on with her. Even if it isn’t rape.
(That’s the one!
Mind you, I probably don’t know either of the girls–all the people I’m familiar with left around the same time as me–but… wow. Had no idea. :eek: :()
Yes you do.
Either make the call from a phone booth expressing concern about abuse (no need to mention rape, but the abuse seems clear) and the cutting,
Or follow up with the counsellor at school. If the counseller makes any reassuring noises that you might not “understand” the situation, go back to the phone call.
Getting CPS involved with the family is serious business, but it is extremely rare for CPS to send in a SWAT team when nothing is going on. At least, with a record on file, if Anna or someone else places a similar call in the future, there will be a record that the same problem was perceived by multiple people.
Hannah told me that she talked to her priest and a nun at her church. The priest said that if Anna is pregnant, he would advise her to get an abortion because the pregnancy and labour might endanger her life. The nun said that Hannah must convince Anna to go to higher authorities right away because even though Anna is moving away in six months, there’s no knowing what her father might do to Anna. I might go join Hannah, one of her friends, and Anna at the mall to watch a movie. Hannah’s friend, who is joining us, knows about the situation, so I hope we can help each other convince Anna to go to social services and/or the police.