A grade school pal of mine just asked if I would take part in his April wedding. While we haven’t seen much of each other since high school (he went to college and now works on the other side of the state), he was a groomsman at my wedding and we keep in touch via email and phone.
A year ago, I would have said yes without hesitation. However, my wife is due to give birth to our child in four weeks, just two months before the wedding. To complicate matters, the wedding is in St. Louis, where my friend’s fiancee grew up. I should also note that my wife will not be returning to work for six months after the baby is born, and making the trip would put a bit of a strain on an already tight budget.
So, I’m trying to decide if I should accept or decline my friend’s offer. I feel like saying “no” is the responsible choice, but I know I’d regret missing the chance to re-connect with this friend and his new wife.
That said, let’s assume the baby is healthy, and I decide to go. Should I:
a) go by myself to save money
b) go with my wife and leave the baby with my MIL
c) go with my wife and baby
If c) should we drive or fly to St. Louis? Anyone have any experience taking a two-month old on a two-hour flight or 800-mile car journey? My gut is that the flight would be the more painless option (not without it’s hassles, but shorter), while driving would save us a bit of money.
Could you decline to be a groomsman, for the reasons you outline, but say you’d love to come to the wedding as a guest? That way you’d have plenty of time to figure out how – or if – you can swing the trip.
I did manage to stall the decision by asking if I could let him know after the birth. I figure whatever decision I might make now could change completely depending on the circumstances of when the baby arrives, if he or she is healthy, etc. He was fine with that and said he’d certainly understand if I decided to decline.
I think I’d feel bad saying I couldn’t participate and then show up anyway.
It seems to me that it’s better from his point of view to know now that you can’t be a groomsman, so he can move on to Plan B on that (instead of a month before the wedding having to find someone). Just say that with the baby coming, you can’t commit to participating as a member of the wedding – with all the financial and time requirements involved. It seems better to me to say “because I take the responsibilities of a groomsman seriously, I don’t want to take them on at this particular time in my life – but because I value our friendship, I hope you’ll invite me and Mrs. Brix to the wedding as guests, and we’ll come if that’s possible.”
I have no experience in such matters, but if you’re contemplating a 12 hour car ride each way with a two month old in tow, you might want to have your head examined.
Or if not, you may need it examined anyway after the trip.
I would definitely not be in the wedding party. There are expenses involved with that (though probably less so for a man), and I would not want to go to that kind of trouble for someone I haven’t seen in years. It seems to me that really close friends and family more appropriately fill those roles.
Truth be told, I probably wouldn’t spend the money to even attend, either. I’d send a moderately-priced gift and write a short letter of congratulations. I know I would have about a hundred other ways I’d rather spend that money.
Definitely let him know now. It causes a lot of problems to have to find an attendant at the last minute.
There’s no reason to feel bad about opting out of participating. It’s an extra expense and responsibility, and lots of people politely refuse such an “honor” all the time, for this and other reasons. A real friend will understand.
