I’m fairly new at this game called love- or at least the game called dating. But I’m tired of guys that annoy me, are rude to me, are morons, or dump me for other women. I decided to do something completely pointless and sit down and write all the things that would make a man perfect. So I wrote- and wrote- a little too much, I kept writing until I had more than a page. I figured out that if a man would follow all the guidelines on this list, he would be ideal. I know I’m asking WAY too much for anyone to follow all of these- but I think some guys could at least try to follow at least HALF of them. Men- if any of you comply to all of these guidelines, I’m the woman for you!
Men dopers, take the time to read these. They might benefit you.
Women dopers: do any of you agree with my guidelines?
Love me unconditionally
Be sensitive- but not TOO sensitive. I want a man who understands my needs, but is macho in emergencies
Don’t be a wimp. Know how to take charge
Be within 3 years of my age. I’m tired of men who are 20 years older than me hitting on me (this has indeed happened)
Don’t be homophobic
Don’t be misogynistic
No druggies
No excessive drinkers. I get along fine without being one, and you can too
Understand that some people have alternative lifestyles
Don’t be a religious extremist- both atheists and evangelists are too extreme
Swear only sparingly
Know how to spell correctly- and know how to take corrections when you are wrong
Never confuse “your” and “you’re” as in, don’t tell me online “your so funny”. It grinds on my nerves.
Have a sense of humor- but not crude humor. In fact, don’t even find crude humor funny
Don’t spit in my presence
If you burp, excuse yourself
Try not to emit so many aromas
Hold open doors for me
Don’t wear your pants down around your knees with your boxers showing
Don’t wear thong underwear. At least not when I’m around
Dress wisely- every girl’s crazy about a sharp dressed man
Never use words like “dick” or “pussy” in my presence. They are rude and gross. Call things what they are, but only if you MUST talk about them
Don’t cringe or grimace whenever I mention a gynocologist appt.
If I am being crabby, I have my reasons. NEVER, EVER ask “is it that time of the month again?”
When I say “nothing” is wrong, it usually means something is. Realize this and inquire further
If you prefer to be vegan or remain Kosher, I’ll respect that. Just don’t try to convert me, I enjoy my red meat and Italian food
Must have a full head of hair. Length doesn’t matter, but it must be lush so I can run my fingers through it
Must have good teeth. There have been astounding advances in the dentistry field
Must be taller than me- since I’m 5’3”, I don’t think this is asking too much
Shower or bathe regularly
Don’t walk around smelling like an old spice truck overturned
No pit stains- deodorant and anti-perspirant are wonderful inventions.
Be understanding when I don’t want to be physical
Know the power of a wink- and use them
Be a good kisser- nothing worse than gagging on someone’s tongue thrust down your throat
But kiss creatively
A peck on the cheek doesn’t mean I want to sleep with you right then and there
Don’t call people “niggers” (excuse the usage here) or “fags”. Doing so is cause for immediate break-uppage
Don’t talk in “gangsta rap”
Don’t watch porn in my presence
Don’t tell me one of your main interests is porn
Don’t try to buy my love
NEVER compare me to another woman. Especially movie stars or someone you have dated before
Don’t tell me my entire town and state is full of shallow, stupid materialistic people (this HAS happened to me)
Love roller coasters as much as I do
Love to travel as much as I do
Must be in good shape. Enjoy going rock climbing and white water rafting with me
Love watermelon
Enjoy just being with me.
Then I figured that while I’ve gone this far, I may as well add some complete fantasy ones:
Know how to ride a horse. It’s romantic- especially the idea of a rescue on horseback
Know the power of simply listening to each other’s heartbeats
Prefer cats to dogs
Be an excellent cook- every man can stand to take a page out of Remington Steele’s book.
Be aware of the environment, but not to the point of extremism
Play a musical instrument- preferably not something weird like the digiridoo or the kazoo
Understand my need for 12 hour beauty sleep
Understand my undying love for Pierce Brosnan, as strange as that is
Like the music I like
Be a good writer. Write me stories that are fabulous
Understand me as a writer. Give me constructive criticism on my pieces
Have a wonderful voice- something I can bask in. Be able to make it both soothing and arousing
Love the ocean as I do
I may as well say it again- love me unconditionally.
So that’s it. I know I’m being too demanding, but oh well. These are the guidelines for the perfect man, not a satisfactory man. I doubt I’ll ever find him. But here are the rules.
Merla