The Perfect Man Advertisement

In My Humble Opinion
1

All right I’m new and everything but you guys seem witty enough to add to my list…feel free

The Perfect Man Ad

  1. Tall and Handsome (dark or light it doesn’t matter)
  2. Intelligent (this means well read and well rounded. If you are smart and just never applied yourself you NEED NOT APPLY)
  3. A sense of humor (this is the only mandatory requirement)
  4. Classy (this not only includes refraining from the use of any bodily functions while in a public place, but also while in a private place ie. the bedroom)
  5. Happy (Although the occational bad mood is acceptable the Depressed Artist Syndrome is not)
  6. Phobia free (this includes but is not limited to ALL phobia’s listed on the web page www.phobialist.com)
  7. No violent tendencies (this includes any animal violence)\
  8. Old fashioned ideals (opening doors, paying tabs, no cheating etc.)
  9. A black belt in some form of fighting (and a willingness to fight if and ONLY if it becomes necessary)

Okay guys do your thing

2

If he’s a physicist, it’s very important whether it’s light or dark matter.

So he’s sposed to apply but not apply?
Chicks is so hard to figure.

**
A’course we got a sensa humor.
It helps us lots when women say they’re drawn to “inner beauty.”

While we’re at it, let’s add the bathroom.
(I seem to remember Sylvia Plath having tormented thoughts that her boyfriend might pick his nose when alone in the bathroom.)

It’s considered bad form to run screaming from chicks who make lists.

[quote]
*7. No violent tendencies (this includes any animal violence)*

[quote]

Check. No violent tendencies until she wants violent tendencies.
8. Old fashioned ideals (opening doors, paying tabs, no cheating etc.)
9. A black belt in some form of fighting (and a willingness to fight if and ONLY if it becomes necessary)

(my thing is not calling.)

3

I’m not sure I follow- are you merely looking for advice or addendums for your list (if so, I suggest at a minimum “has job” :smiley: ) or is this an advertisement?

I’m not sure how the mods treat singles ads, you you might tread somewhat lightly.

However, I have a few moments…

-How do you define “tall”? To Rhea Perlman, Danny DeVito is “tall”. Are you looking for Wesley Snipes or Shaq?

-Again, are we looking for a Teller or a Von Neumann, or a John Stewart? The Dilbertesque brilliant engineer, the small-time lawyer?

For example, I have no college education, save for a few vocational classes. However, I own my own business, I’ve developed and marketed several retail products and I’ve been published in small industry magazines. But I have no scrap of paper on the wall that says I took such-and-such a course or completed this or that classwork.

Didn’t Bill Gates drop out of college?

-Ah, but what sort of humor? George Carlin obcenity-laden yet insightful and clever? Keep in mind, to some, redneck jokes are the very epitome of humor.

How about Gallagher? He might be a lot of fun for a while, but really, would you want to live with a man that spends all day, every day, dreaming up new ways to squash fruit?

-To a pimp, a white velour suit with tigerstripe accents might be considered “classy”. To a beltway lawyer, Brooks Brothers might be “normal” and Armani is “classy”.

I know some guys to whom Guiness beer is “classy” and I know a few to whom anything lesser than Sokol Blosser Cabernet Sauvignon, 1992, is akin to drinking sterno.

-Presumably with the implied modifier “non-chemically-induced”.

-Drat. You had me up until this point, as I suffer from violent and uncontrollable chionophobia.

Seriously though, everyone suffers from some form of phobia, however mild. Snakes, spiders and heights are most common, speaking in public is another… Any man who suffers from none of those on the list is, sadly, long dead.

-How violent is violent? Sean Penn getting mad at a photographer or Ted Kazynski blowing-up-random-people violent?

Presumably you mean “abusive”, as in he doesn’t/won’t strike you or the kids, and doesn’t jump out of the car screaming and throwing rocks at the guy who just swiped your parking space at the mall.

No road rage? That’s asking a lot.

-You mean people don’t hold doors open for each other somewhere?

-Right, but no violence. Sorry, I think Jackie Chan is already married.

And why a black belt? Some styles, like Aikido, don’t use “belts” as badges of rank. Moreover, what’s wrong with a few classes from Gunsite or perhaps Thunder Ranch?

My thing? Oh, right: Single, clean, house and cars are paid for, own my own business, nondrinker, nonsmoker, nonreligious, well-read, professional machinist and inveterate gadget freak, and I can spell “callipygous” without looking it up.

Perhaps you need to work on the list a bit more.

4

That’s asking an awful lot. What do you offer in return for absolute perfection?

5

Why bother with all the work? Just go on match.com, and look at a Denver or San Francisco-area WSM ad. :smiley:

6

Okay satisfying licious, you have proven beautifully that too much of anything, even sarcastic humor, is a bad thing…besides, I just want additions not auditions…Nickel, that was good…the humor must be sarcastic yet witty. Without any sadistic undertones…anyway I realized I posted the stupid thing in the wrong room…
One more addition my friend just thought up which probably should be listed first…under thirty. Thanx guys…

7

And who doesn’t have Defecaloesiophobia (the fear of painful bowels movements.) :dubious:

8

You might want to specify a preferred sexual orientation and marital status – it has become almost folkoric that all the “good men” are married and/or* gay.

*okay, I made the and/or bit up.

9

good one.

10

:: looks at phobias list ::

Let me get this straight. You want a tall, good-looking, funny, black belt pacifist who isn’t scared of bullets, nuclear missiles or atomic explosions?

I think you might have to fight Lois Lane for him. Oh, wait, Superman’s over thirty, so he’s out too.

I wonder if the phrase “realistic standards” has any place in this thread?

11

Let me get this straight. You’re making a perfect man list and no where on said list is there any mention of salary?

Pffft.

A white velour suit with tigerstipe accents is classy.

12

Barefoot & Pregnant woman seeks chauvinistic man who is willing to put her in her place (i.e. the kitchen). Equal rights supporters need not apply.

13

I was with you (with quibbles on “tall” and “intelligent”) until I got here.

No violent tendencies but an expert in a decidedly violent skill? Let me guess, you also want him to do everything you want, but be a take-charge kind of guy.

And number 8 is just out. Any guy who insists on paying all tabs or opening doors makes me want to run as fast as I can in the opposite direction–I’m sure one of these days he’s going to tell me not to worry my pretty head about something. I am not a delicate flower who can’t take care of herself. I am an adult who wants a partnership, not a little girl looking for a daddy to take care of me.

Now, I do expect someone I’m with to open doors when my hands are full, or hold them when it would be polite to do so–I also expect to do the same for him. And I would get tired of going out with someone who never paid the tab (I wouldn’t be surprised if guys do, too, btw). And cheating is just out–I wouldn’t call that an “old fashioned ideal,” quite frankly. It’s as though guys who don’t hold doors and pull out chairs also think quite casually of cheating. Huh?

My list would be a bit different–

1)makes me laugh

  1. thinks about things, doesn’t just spout off whatever thought or opinion he heard at work

3)Doesn’t bad-mouth his exes (because what he says and thinks about them, he’ll say and think about you.)

4)Is employed (I’m willing to give this one a miss when unemployment is clearly not his fault)

5)Respects me.

Everything else is variable.

14

Re: Perfect Man

Sorry, Jesus died.
If he comes again, I’ll let you know.

15

I don’t think he would make the cut. He would fail:

#6 Phobia free. I’m sure he has Staurophobia (fear of crosses or the crucifix)
and
#9 A black belt in some form of fighting (and a willingness to fight if and ONLY if it becomes necessary)

16

Since when is not cheating an old-fashioned ideal?

Make sure you stay home on election day. And make me some cookies while you’re there!!

17

Must be looking for a gigolo.

Is a brown belt close enough? Because aside from that, I’m your guy. I do have some issue, however, with the idea that your whole definition of classy seems to encompass whether or not it’s appropriate to vent gas in your presence…

I notice that you didn’t mention “single,” which is also one of the reasons why I qualify. 'course, my wife will kill me if she finds out about this…

18

Zany, it’s so sad, you will die a virgin :slight_smile:

19

I think Zany should list her qalities first so we can have an idea of how much she should realistically expect and can shorten the list accordingly.

20

NO bodily functions in the bedroom? MAN, your life is gonna be boring. :smiley:

Seriously, I don’t think it’s fair to leave someone 'cause he farts in his sleep.

Going down the list:

  1. Tall and handsome: Well, I do like a guy to be taller than me, but most guys are. Handsome is relative. I like someone who takes more than marginal care of their appearance – i.e., someone who washes and shaves regularly, wears clean clothes that don’t look like they came from the reject basket of Goodwill, and brushes his hair. Outside of that, you would be surprised how little “handsome” actually matters when you actually LOVE someone.

  2. Intelligent and well-rounded: I’ll add one to that: a good conversationalist. By that, I mean someone who can make even a dull-seeming subject sound fabulously interesting.

  3. Sense of humor: Well, duh. I don’t think I’d even go on a date with someone who couldn’t make me laugh. But a guy without a sense of humor shouldn’t try to manufacture one. Just like we can tell a woman with silicone implants, we can tell a guy who gets his jokes out of a book.

  4. Classy: Depends on your opinion. My version of classy has nothing to do with brand names. I do remember one fine gent I knew who always wore slacks or black jeans, a blazer, a subdued turtleneck, and nice boots. He also picked up the tab, opened the door, and pulled out the chair. It was fucking eerie, since I had thought we were just having dinner as friends.

  5. Happy: I think “self-assured” and “confident” are a touch more important here, but I see what you’re getting at. I get very sick of tortured artists, very very fast. No one HAS to be tortured.

  6. Phobia free: Nah. I don’t care about this one. Though “not being an utter wuss” is different. I’ve met my ideal guy, and he hates cockroaches too.

  7. No violent tendencies: Well, I have violent tendencies, I just don’t act on them. But I’d rather be involved with someone who never saw physical violence as a way to solve conflicts, unless he had no other choice.

  8. Old-fashioned ideals: All things considered, I think that the opening doors and suchlike are courtesies that should be extended to everyone. I feel guilty when someone else picks up the tab, unless we’d agreed to that before. I feel downright uneasy and suspicious when someone refuses to let me pay my own way.

  9. Black belt? You know that the perfect guy would have to practice for years to get that? What’s so important about it, anyway? I mean, sure, I want to date Samurai Jack too, but he’s SO two-dimensional. :wink:

I’m gonna get my OWN black belt, thankyouverymuch. :slight_smile: I just recently started karate class, and I’m absolutely in love with it.