I’m anxiously awaiting your reply and I get this?!
Now I know you have a mean streak, but please satisfy my (and maybe others’) curiosity about why you would intentionally go into a relationship trying to hurt someone and what you mean by intentionally. I’ll even start a new thread if you’d like.
I haven’t read the whole threat yet (up to page 3 so far) but so far no one has said, or they’ve brushed over, a few of the things I’d like to point out.
What the hubby did this time is not the same as what the hubby did last time. The first incident, he did what he thought was OK and got heat for it. He said “I don’t get why, but I understand that it’s wrong.” Then he went to a club again. At no point were we told that he once again sucked a stripper’s tit or came from a dance. For all we know, he just got drunk and watched. He was unknowingly wrong the first time and this time, he’s perfectly OK until you tell me he got off again.
A male orgasm is NOT a personal, sexual experience all the time. Physical stimulation can do that even if the brain isn’t into it. Broomstick and DoperChic, you need to understand that there IS a difference. When hubby is screaming “But it was from the 20 minute dance!!”, you need to understand that what he really means is “My brain wasn’t even in it! It’s the same as if I had a wet dream!” Then you need to understand that he’s telling the truth. I feel you’re not really respecting this biological difference between the sexes. Put another way, cum!=orgasm.
I think we can sum up the argument thusly:
Dc: “I don’t want you to go to a strip club because if you cheated on me once, you’ll cheat on me again!”
Hu: “But the first time, I don’t think I cheated on you. I can’t imagine holding your viewpoint on this issue, but I respect your position on it and won’t do it again.”
Dc: “Then why are you going? Going means you’ll cheat again, especially since you don’t understand what you did wrong last time.”
Hu: “It’s my duty as a guy friend to go. This is not as big a deal as you’re making it.”
Again, I think the whole problem is that DoperChic is saying that going again=first time incident. Evidence: He doesn’t think he was wrong. Hubby is saying that it’s OK because going again!=first time. Evidence: He knows you don’t like it.
DoperChic, ever consider rewarding your husband if/when he makes the right decision with you giving him a Better Lap Dancesup[/sup] at home? It would be a win-win situation, and the positive reinforcement (in the future) would make him invulnerable to the peer pressure he might get from his friends questioning his refusal to go to any more strip clubs.
The OP wasn’t explicit, but it seems she has been through some sort of past problems that has left her with “issues” as we say these days, and she has benefited from counseling in the past. She feels that more of it could be helpful at present. Nothing wrong with that conclusion.
I have several close friends who, due to abuse in their childhoods, have been in and out of counseling during their adult lives. Done properly, it can be of great benefit. It doesn’t even have to be a constant thing - a year or two of counseling, followed by years out of it, followed by another year or two when something comes up or needs further work, is a perfectly valid pattern.
I hope this underscores the importance of honest communication between you two. It’s dumb to try to be the “cool fiancee/wife” and say it’s ok for him to do these things if it really does bother you. You don’t need to say “I forbid you” or “you’re not allowed”, but you need to convey your displeasure and disappointment. You do no one any favors by doing otherwise.
Some things are difficult to say and unpleasant to hear, but that doesn’t change that they need to be said and heard.
True, but something this extreme was a one-time occurrence after almost 8 years together.
No worries. At the risk of further hijacking my own thread (does it even count if I hijack my own thread) I have read your initial reply in the spin-off thread. It makes perfect sense now why you responded the way you did. I had a feeling that something of the sort was at the root of why you reacted the way you did to what happened with me.
Unfortunately, my issues go much farther back to my childhood. I’ve got a lifetime of negative thinking to undo. Those prior events/issues contributed greatly to my overreaction and need to be dealt with properly in order to prevent another blow-up. To rehash one of my prior metaphors, I know perfectly well that the way I view the world is often quite skewed due to my shit-colored glasses. I need some help in learning how to take off these glasses so that my rational self can merge with my emotional self.
Does that make sense?
No thanks. For one, just the thought makes me uncomfortable. For another, I hardly think that two wrongs make a right. How would me knowingly making my husband upset make me feel any better?
Once you read further, you’ll see that I have conceded this point. When my husband told me Saturday night that the club was bottomless, it triggered all of the intense emotions that I felt a year ago when he first confessed. It became as fresh and raw to me as if it had just happened. My reaction was analogous to that of a former military person with PTSD. For them, hearing a car back-fire may trigger a flashback to a time when they were in an intense battle. The battle itself may be long over, but the emotions are still just as raw, if not more so.
Again, conceded. I need to learn how to agree to disagree here, I guess. It’s something that I cannot understand but an opinion I have to respect.
I have issues with him wanting to go again at all. In my mind, him wanting to go means that he has some need that I for whatever reason can’t fulfill. Irrational, you betcha. But real to me, unfortunately, yes.
Yeticus Rex, you may have just given me the best advice yet. I’ll definitely try this out and report back with my results.
Wow. That makes at least 3 spin-offs so far, at least that I’ve found.
I get the impression from your posts that you are quite insecure. So rather than a case of your husband disregarding your feelings and putting his friends first, might he not just be fed up at missing out on social activities because of your (justified or not) lack of trust?
I just wonder if this is an isolated incident, or if your husband is feeling increasingly suffocated by a wife that wont trust him.
This is what I was going to say. When I read that DoperChic had sex with her husband after all of the drama, I knew that she was being played. They simply could not have worked things out that quickly unless he was just telling her what she wanted to hear. DoperChic gave him an easy out with the “how would you feel if the tables were turned” thing. As soon as he heard those words the skies opened above him and he knew he was home free. “I wouldn’t like that at all”, lots of apologizing, even more "I love you"s, and he had gotten away with it again and was getting laid. And she posts about what an amazing man, husband, and father he is. I bet even he was surprised that he got away with it.
I was being facetious with my suggestion to visit a male strip club (honestly, they’re about as titillating as a Playgirl), but it’d be nice to see what boundaries and peer pressure are acceptable for the goose and for the gander.
About a week ago, I went back into counseling. At the suggestion of both the therapist and my general doctor, I also began taking Lexapro. Within 3 days of taking the meds, I feel like a new person. The fog is slowly starting to lift and I’m better able to deal. Depression and anxiety are, for me at least, a definite medical/chemical thing. It’s like a switch is flipped in my brain and the medication combined with counseling is helping to reverse that switch.
Just yesterday morning, I told my husband that I felt completely at peace for the first time in months. Months, people! It was amazing. The anxiety isn’t totally gone yet. But the peaceful feelings are starting to slowly take the place of the anxiety.
I’m at a really low dose to ease into it, too. Tomorrow I start what will probably be my full maintenance dosage. I’m excited to see how well this works out.
I’m really glad you’re feeling better Doperchic, and I don’t want to bring any doubts back, but…
I’ve just reread this entire thread and have become a bit concerned/alarmed at the direction its taken in your posts. Regardless of whether or not going to a strip club is a good/bad/permissible thing in a relationship, most posters got the point that your problem was not your husband going, but that he went even though you said you were upset about it. Yet you are the one going for counselling and you are the one ‘working on your issues’? Has your husband unequivocally said he will NEVER go to a strip club again? Does he even realise why you were upset, or is he just saying what he thinks you want to hear/will give him a quiet life? I suspect the latter - if he really cares about how you feel, why go when he knows it will upset you? The first visit could be excused by ignorance (though I don’t buy that); the second, no.
FWIW, I don’t think I would mind my husband going to a strip club. But I would sure as hell rip his balls off if he went as I was crying and begging with him not to go - it would very probably be a dealbreaker. I also think your husband, as astro and others have said, could be playing you, just by focusing on what your definition of ‘cheating’ is. He may claim not to think that a lap dance where he came and where he kissed the dancer was actual cheating, but you can bet your ass he would have known it was inappropriate. Saying something like ‘But I didn’t think you would see that as cheating, baby!’ just clouds the issue, imo.
Like Skald, I’m coming to this thread with my own relationship history, and I don’t want to hijack. You may, as many people do in relationships, have trust and anxiety issues that made you react to this situation a bit more emotionally than you would have liked. But that doesn’t mean it’s all down to you. Your husband behaved like an ass - deal with your own issues that this has brought up, yes, but don’t let him away scot free. He seems to think he can do whatever he wants as long as he acts contrite and apologises - he’ll be the one wondering why and calling you an overreacting bitch when you finally have enough and leave him.
If I have it all wrong, I apologise - but do listen to the people in this thread who have been on either side of this fence and ask if this applies to you. Advice from a random internet person is worth as much as you pay for it I know, but feel free to PM if you want to talk. Good luck.