But “social decisions” really is way too broad to be considered an area of expertise. Sure, maybe you know how to write out a formal RSVP or which wine goes with which cheese but I don’t see why you would think of yourself as an expert when it comes to getting along with people.
If the children do not wish to play again, I should force the issue I suppose. That is just silly.
“Honey you MUST play with Susy because they took you to Disney”.
“But Mommy, we’re not friends anymore and she doesn’t want to hang out”
“Well, we must listen to Ms Manners and Dangerosa even if you two have a miserable time.”
What share? What expensive? They own the cabin, the plane, the skis, the land. Would you insist on an accounting of the consumption of fuel, syrup and marshmallows in order to “pay her share”?
I believe you should reciprocate is some way. Pick a date and ask the child over. If they really have no interest in each other, the mother will demure and your social obligation will have been fulfilled.
Then your child shouldn’t have gone in the first place. If this was such a casual friend that them choosing not to play together is a real risk, accepting such a trip - even if you pay your share - is rude.
I think it’s probably pretty commonplace for the two members of a couple to generally have different areas of responsibility. What I think seems strange to people is the idea that you two can’t/don’t ever override the decision of the one who is “in charge” of that particular area. For example, in my house, my husband handles the car stuff, too. But, let’s say that my car was making a noise, and he said he didn’t think it was anything, and he wasn’t going to bother having it checked. If the noise made me nervous, I would probably just decide to take it to the mechanic anyway. Because we don’t always agree about how to handle things, I think I have the right to make the decision myself if I want to, and I would not expect to have to justify that to my husband.
Is this working for you? Honest question. My impression was that your marriage was largely a miserable burden.
Plus, it’s only been less a friggin’ week since the girl went over to her “friend’s” home for a sleepover. If it were several months or a half a year, I can see moving on, but it’s an interesting lesson that you don’t need to reciprocate because your mother paid some cash.
Nonetheless, reciprocity is a basic tenet of standard etiquette. And, as Dangerosa points out, it is not fulfilled by an insistence on paying your own way.
Obviously, reciprocity does not require that the children continue to ‘play together’ forever. It requires one invitation. So, more like: “Honey, why don’t you call and ask Susy to go to the movies with us tonight.”
“But Mommy, we’re not friends anymore and she doesn’t want to hang out”
“Ask her anyway. Her family took you on that nice trip to Disney. We need to return the favor. If she doesn’t want to go you can ask Francie instead. But if Susy does want to go, we need to take her and you can take a different friend next time we go.”
I find it interesting that you were hair-tearingly angry at your husband over a minor faux-pas, and yet you are perfectly willing to forego a major element of social etiquette, even while insisting that you are the social expert in your home.
One invitation is all that is required if the feelings have changed on Suzy’s part. If there is a believable prior committment or problem accepting the invitation (“oh, Suzy would LOVE to go, she so much enjoys playing with Tess - but we have to go to her Grandmother’s this weekend - can we do it some other time?”) a single invitation does not get you off the hook - even if your own daughter’s feelings have changed.
Silly. I didn’t say I wouldn’t invite the kid. I just said I am not going to force the kids to play and now I feel like I don’t have that obligation if they decide not to be friends. As far as I know, the friendship will continue so this is a none issue anyway.
I find it really amusing how people twist things to prove a point. Even if the point is incorrect. So next time your neighbors have you over for a BBQ and you overhear the wife calling your spouse a person she’d rather not have to associate with ever again because she dresses funny and smells like feet, you be sure to invite them over for some wine and to listen to your Neil Diamond CDs. Or would you just send a cake and call it even?
I am leaving the country so you all can carry on without me. I did the correct thing, everyone in my social circle is content with the way things worked out and if the kids decide that the other has cooties, I don’t feel guilty for taking advantage.
End of story.
I am just amazed that people have “social circles” these days. Next thing you know it, there will be drama at the debutante ball.
Those still exist, too. We just had a thread about them.
Here’s the thing: you have set yourself up as the absolute arbiter of all matters social in your “circle” (at least, relative to your poor husband). Now, right here in this very thread, you have heard people indicate to you that what you regard as good manners, they regard as bad manners. If people who feel that way exist here, then they exist in real life, right?
So in the real world, there are people to whom the way you act is rude. Since the goal of “manners” ought to be focused on pleasing the other party in the social transaction, this would mean that when dealing with thsoe people, you are wrong.
And yet you are still setting yourself up as infalliable; you believe that your approach is correct in every circumstance, to the point where someone deciding to take a different approach is automatically wrong. Do you see the disconnect?
Wow. I think I must live on another planet or something.
By the way, let me ask you something, Foxy40. Hypothetical situation:
Your car is making a funny knocking noise from time to time. It doesn’t sound serious, and the car seems to be running just fine.
But since your husband “handles the car issues” in your family, you ask him about it anyway. He checks it out and says he’s pretty sure it’s OK, and that you don’t need to bring it to a mechanic.
The next day, on your way to work, the knocking noise comes back. But this time, you notice white smoke coming out of the hood, and the engine starts to sound like it’s on the verge of stalling out. As it happens, you are about to pass the local mechanic’s shop at that very moment.
Do you:
(1) Pull in to the service station and have your car looked at, because your own judgment of the current circumstances suggest that the advice your husband gave you might no longer be applicable; or
(2) Keep on down the road, because your husband is the final authority when it comes to cars?
Not sure about your “social circle”, but a dinner party in my neck of the woods would dwarf the cost of a trip to Six Flags.
Says the woman who has used the phrase “social circle” 7 times in this thread.
Don’t we all? Its just which planet we live on…
Most ridiculous post in the thread so far. Offering to pay a portion of such an event would be one of the most uncouth things you could ever dream of doing. I once knew someone who tried to, very sneakily, pay for the fuel for one leg of a trip they were taking in a friend’s private jet. The look on his face as he quietly slid his wallet back into his pocket upon noticing the final price was supposedly something of enormous comedic value.
Not sure who is twisting words, but I’m sure nobody suggested that you had to ‘force the kids to play.’ Just that you had to (if you wish to be polite), offer her an invitation in response to the outing your daughter enjoyed.
Or not. Etiquette doesn’t provide an inforcement squad. You don’t have to do anything you don’t want to do.