Oh goodness no. I am not going to point to it and say 75% of these strangers are on my side. He isn’t aware of this message board.
I am more interested in how these things work and people’s opinions. My daughter just turned 8 so giving her money to pay for her own things wasn’t really an option. My son is an adult but I don’t recall him being invited to things like this…more playing at home or at a park…etc so I feel like I am new to these situations. My daughter is a little social butterfly and I know this will be coming up again.
Hubby was right, your were polite. No one looked bad imho. If someone invites, then unless they specify, it’s on their dime. Considering the cost of the outing you were polite to offer the cash, but it was not necessary.
I agree with Acid Lamp, but the really interesting thing is how strongly you reacted. In terms of external (to the family) relationships, nobody looks bad. In terms of general domestic buttheadedness, it sounds like there’s plenty going around. this isn’t a new discovery for you, since you narrate at least some of it. You shouldn’t micromanage; he should have a job; he should do what he says he’s going to do; your head shouldn’t explode.
How did you go about dropping off the money? Was it an, “oh, I’m sorry, we goofed and forgot to give this to our daughter before she left last night. Have fun!” or did you offer, “my idiot boob of a husband didn’t want to give you this $50 but I was raised with some modicum of class, so…”
Yes, it was probably a good idea to give your daughter some cash to cover expenses, but there’s literally almost nothing more uncomfortable in the world than watching married people fight, and that would have far outweighed any rudeness in the form of making other people uncomfortable. Another potential solution would have been to invite their kids to something in the near future (like a movie) and pay for it.
When I tell my kids that they can invite their friends to an event, I expect to pay for the friends. The parents usually send money (I do too) but I tell them to give it back to the parents. If I hadn’t intended on paying, I wouldn’t have invited them. Just like a date.
I’m sure that the parents intended to treat. The money itself isn’t important - the offering of the money is what is important. Even if they didn’t accept it or even if they send it home with your daughter (that’s what my and my friend’s parents used to do) you are just doing what’s polite, it’s just what people do.
I know it probably looks to some people like an unnecessarily silly game of back and forth but that’s what a lot of politeness and manners are.
I don’t understand why your husband waited for them to ask for money. I don’t know anyone who would come out and directly ask like that, even if they weren’t intending to treat.
Personally, I would have thought he was kind of rude for not offering (even though I would not have accepted it if he did offer it – crazy, huh?)
Whatever minor faux pas your husband might have made by not offering money, you’re blowing out of proportion. So, just as most arguments, you’re both wrong.
Take it easy! There’s really no need to let stuff like this contribute to a “rocky” relationship.
I think your husband’s assumption that they would ask for money if they wanted it is wrong…no one is going to do that. Since they invited your daughter, I would have assumed they were paying for everything essential, but would also have done what you did, in sending along a little pocket money for anything above and beyond…some families don’t buy souvenirs at all, especially if they have season passes, and they shouldn’t be expected to pay for every little thing your daughter might want. If she had your permission to buy something, at that age it is best to entrust it to the mom in charge, along with some subtle guidelines (“she can buy a t-shirt, but NO stuffed animals…her room is a zoo already” type advice)
I agree with you. My kids are a little older now, but when they were little (and even now, for the 13 year old) I always sent them with money to cover food and trinkets, even with good friends. It’s just the polite thing to do. The only exceptions were when the kids were such good friends with someone that it wasn’t a big deal; they were almost like a member of their friend’s family.
My husband took our son and one of his buddies to a laser tag/video arcade place, and our son’s friend brought his own money to pay for what he wanted to do. They are good friends at school, but have only hung out a couple of times before (our son’s friend is usually with his dad on the weekends, some distance away). The mom called me to ask how much her son should bring, I told her, and that was it. It would have been a little odd if we had picked up the tab, as we don’t know them too well yet. Free passes? Of course the other kid would be welcome to use them, but it would be surprising if he didn’t bring some spending money for food, games, or whatever. If he didn’t, we would pay for him and not say anything or worry about it, but something like that has only happened once.
Our daughter used to have friends come over during the summer and stay for weeks on end. That was a little bit different; they became like a member of the family. This has happened three or four times, and we fed and entertained them with no problem. One of her friends was in a situation where her mom cheated on her dad and they were divorcing, and things were very tense at her house. We kept her for several weeks, took her on vacation with us, and so on. In that case she was like the third kid we never had LOL. It would have never occured to me to accept money from her parents for misc. expenses, given the situation.
Offering money would have been a Nice Gesture. Some few would have thought it rude to be offered, and fewer would have expected the cash. Some dudes are into Nice Gestures, others are just practical.
You were right. Especially because going to an amusement park and eating two meals is not exactly getting candy at the movies – it’s really quite expensive.
I agree with WhyNot, as usual. You should offer and they should decline. (Older children should be given the money and told to try to pay at least once; at any rate, having money for emergencies is always a good thing.) But if you hadn’t offered it would have been tacky, IMHO.
I agree with most of the others here. You were right to offer the money, and the lady was being polite in refusing it at first - just one of those mad things, and it was odd of your husband to think that the other mother ought to have asked for the money, as though tendering an invoice. HOWEVER, perhaps he is someone who just doesn’t “get” these strange-seeming social rules.
Probably the very important thing is that you and husband can now agree on how this is handled next time it comes up. That way, there need not be friction and exploding heads next time.
>I’m not sure it would have been absolutely wrong not to offer money for expenses. It definitely was appropriate for you to do so, and I’m sure it was appreciated.
>BUT - either way, your husband was a jerk for telling you that he would deliver the money, and then failing to do so basically because he didn’t feel like it.
I agree with MsWatsit.
>However, posting on a message board to validate your own opinion of the situation won’t improve the situation.
FourPaws is technically right, I guess, but I don’t know that we’re going to do much to help the situation anyway. It can still be nice to vent and useful to compare your expectations with a number of other peoples’.
“I wish you hadn’t left without offering the money. Of course she’s not going to ASK for it; it’s up to us to offer it. Can you please run it by tomorrow morning, along with her toothbrush, so that our daughter will have spending money. Now come in here and give me a backrub because it’s been a hellish day.”
I don’t think I saw this question asked, but for those of you that agree with hubby…Would you feel obligated to reciprocate? Figure for lunch and dinner the friends will probably spend 30ish dollars on the kid, plus maybe a souvenier or something (plus dinner at their house the night before, I’m guessing, and hell, giving you and hubby a break for nearly 24 hours). If you didn’t offer money, would you feel it neccesary to, say, take thier kid to a movie or something else along those lines? What if you offered the money, but they refused?
And for the record, I would say that you did the right thing. When they refused, after a slight amount of insisting (“are you sure?”), you would have been okay to not give them the money, but I think you were quite right to at least offer the money.
If I, as an adult, invite a kid along it is presumed by me that I will be paying for the entire venture including meals. The “offer, reject, no I insist” Kabuki dance is a tedious social exercise that some people see as gracious, and others see as slightly asinine.
Whether your marriage survives or not it sounds like you are toiling at manufacturing a considerable amount of the drama and anxiety in your relationship. People , men or women, who are out of work often already have serious self worth issues. An SO so tightly wound they are coiled like a snake and ready to snap at them, and make a Wagnerian opera out of what is (in the overall scope of things) a relatively minor oversight, is not going to help the situation.
I feel like if I invited someone for an outing then it’s encumbent upon me to figure out my financial situation beforehand rather than try and gauge the circumstances of the parents of the invited child.
Plus, I know what a struggle marriage can sometimes be and I know how things can get, but if I had a spouse that trumpeted “You’re WRONG!” very often, I’d be countering with, “And *you’re * ALONE! Buh-bye!” From what I can remember of previous mentions of your husband and your relationship, I don’t get the impression that your goal is making your marriage work (not being snarky just what I recall), but if I’m wrong and you do, then maybe you could be a little less uptight and stern-motherly to your husband. What your kid’s friend’s parents think of you should matter far less to you than what your husband thinks of you.
