This is my question too but I don’t really expect an answer; it’s just something you should think about. If you made your husband look like an asshole or the other parent(s) uncomfortable in any way, you were definitely more wrong than anybody else and should consider apologizing to everybody.
Your husband should have done what he agreed to do and I get that it’s frustrating that he didn’t. It’s frustrating though, not infuriating so you should also consider your reaction. If this is a constant thing with him you obviously need to talk about it but you need to do it in the right (IMO) way. This means waiting until the kids aren’t around (if you don’t shout it’s okay if they’re sleeping), waiting until you know you have plenty of time to devote to both sides (no “OMG you suck, here’s why, I’m going to work now kthxbye!”), waiting until you guys are not mad about this or anything else, and STAYING ON TRACK.
That last one is HUGE. It’s so hard for people not to get defensive when somebody is detailing all the reasons they’re a prick today and say “Oh, but you were prick last week when…” and then you get defensive and say “Yes, but remember last month when you did this shitty thing?” and pretty soon you guys are screaming at each other for crap that happened 2 years ago that nobody in their right mind should even care about anymore.
If this is a constant thing with you (reacting so strongly to things that really aren’t such a big deal) you should consider how that makes your husband feel, how it makes your children feel, and how it’s affecting your relationships with your family. And then you should fix it.
Are you making this big assumption from the one situation expressed here, or are there other posts you’re using? I think it’s especially odd considering how many people are agreeing with the OP.
I also wouldn’t characterize it as an oversight. He didn’t forget to give the money, he made a choice not to offer it because he (for whatever reason) expected them to ask for it.
They invited the kid, so they have assumed some expense. It would have been rude for them to ask for or expect money be given to them.
But money should have at least been offered to them. If nothing else, to give them the chance to refuse it. The gesture of offering would have shown appreciation for their kindness and generousity.
I don’t feel your husband was WRONG (your capitals) or that he has embarrassed the entire family (your words).
Allowing your child to bring a friend implies you’re willing to pony up the costs of that friend for the duration. Yes, it would be nice if the parents of the friend offered some money, but it’s not a ‘must do’ or ‘should do’.
However, the issue here is that you had previously discussed the money with your husband, he had agreed to offer the money (and insist if they refused initially) and he didn’t do that. Clearly he wasn’t comfortable offering the money in the first place. Did you really not get in an inkling of this when you first spoke to him about it?
Did you really do a search on anything she’s written about her marriage situation in the past so you can apply it to this post? I hardly think that’s necessary.
In terms of my experience, I often went along on family trips with my best friend’s family, who probably makes about triple what my parents make. When I got older, mom ALWAYS gave me money to cover myself, and told me to at least offer, but that they would probably decline. And it was always declined, of course, but I grew up with this bit of etiquette firmly in mind. Plus, offering to pay always made me feel less like a freeloader and more like a guest during that awkward stage of adolescence when you start to doubt everything around you.
If I have an extra free ticket to take you along to Europe, trust me I am gonna be pissed if you expect me to pay for your hotel and food to boot.
Same thing here - they offered a free ticket to get into the park for your daughter - and granted, it is not like an 8 year old is going to be eating filet mignon and lobster bisque, but still - a simple hot dog and fries ain’t cheap in those places.
You were right in offering the money.
Ask your husband the last time he went to visit his buddies and one of their homes to watch a football game - did he bring some beer with him? Would he be considered a cheap-ass if he hadn’t?
Only a couple of dick-heads invite someone to an expensive theme park and only cover admission(sometimes beans compared to what you spend IN the park) without assessing whether the other party could afford their “treat.”
I hardly consider the two situations equitable. I don’t know why I can’t quite put my finger on it, but IMO there’s a big difference between “we’d like to take your daughter to an amusement park” and “I’d like you to accompany me to Europe; I’ve got a free plane ticket for you.” Perhaps it’s the length of the trip, the huge difference in cost, or maybe the way I imagine the two invitations going – you’re likely to explicitly tell a friend “I’ve got a free plane ticket for you” vs. “we want to take your daughter on a daytrip.”
Again, I’m not sure why, but the two aren’t comparable, IMO.
Foxy40, I’m inclined to agree with both of you. Your husband wasn’t necessarily wrong for assuming that the cost of the trip was going to be absorbed by your daughter’s friend’s parents. If I were to make the same type of invitation, I’d do it assuming I’m footing the bill. On the other hand, you weren’t wrong for wanting to offer. Depending on your daughter’s age, it may have been more appropriate to just give her the money and tell her to offer to cover the cost of her meals.
I think a good way to have avoided this whole mess from the beginning would be to have suggested paying when you initially talked to the parents. You asked about the cost of admission, and they told you about the comp. A good follow up may have been “That’s very kind, thank you. I’m not really familiar with XYZ park; about how much should we give Little Foxy for food, souvenirs and such?” Maybe not worded that way exactly, but you get the idea.
Of course, you can’t be blamed for your husband’s failure to offer after he told you he would. For that, he gets a slap on the wrist, but I certainly don’t think this made your family look bad.
That was my thought. Even if they expect an offer, most people aren’t going to ask, they’ll just roll their eyes afterwards. “They didn’t ask for any money” is a silly part of the “debate.”
We would always offer the money and most often, it is refused. It’s impolite to assume that an expense will be covered by someone else. “Can your daughter come to the amusement park with us” can mean lots of things. “We’ll give her a ride and watch her, only” is one possible meaning. You asked about the price of admission, which was proper. Why would meals be different? Again, you ask, and most often, it’s refused.
Where in her post did she say that she “discussed” this with her husband and he “agreed” to the plan? All I see is
What we have here is an unemployed house husband who isn’t even trusted to pack a bag for a sleepover. When he DOES make a decision, one that is at worst a minor faux pas, Foxy’s head explodes and she has to go over in the morning to fix his screwup. Maybe next time she should pin the envelope to the lapel of his jacket so he doesn’t forget.
I actually take that quote to imply the opposite. Clearly, he dropped the daughter off with an entirely different opinion of what was necessary, so I doubt there was any meeting of the minds, or any discussion where his opinion was given weight.
Oh, and FTR, I’d say that his faux pas was matched by Foxy’s. If I decline the money, I think it’s rude to keep standing there trying to convince me to take it. If I do take it, it’s not because I appreciate your generosity, it’s to get you out of my face. I’m a financially responsible adult, and I think I can afford to feed an 8 year old girl at an amusement park.
I am catching up and wanted to finish reading opinions before I answered this but it was asked again down the line so here is the answer.
“I am SO sorry but my husband said he got involved with chatting with you and completely forgot to hand you the envelope he had for kids expenses so I decided to drop it off on the way to the office. Oh, and we forgot her toothbrush too.”
I vent my dirty laundry on the dope, not in public.
Same husband I have been with for ten years with a separation for one year and now rocky as hell. Brownie points for trying to keep up on my soap opera relationship experiences though.
It was clearly discussed as I didn’t have time to pack. “Here is the list of things she needs, here is the envelope with the money, please don’t forget anything and if she has a problem accepting…” I even asked him to cough up ten dollars to put in the envelope since I only had a twenty on me.
I have kids in your age range and I do this “dance” regularly.
You were right to offer the money. They were right to refuse it. You would be right to insist. They would be right to accept it.
Now, they would be right to keep it, spend all of it or some of it, or return all of it or some of it with the kid depending on their financial situation.
You husband was probably considering your finances when he decided to not offer the money. This would be a normal thought for him, too.
But the social graces should be considered, also.
Truly, if you were not in a position to finance the “extras” of such a trip, you would have been proper to deline the invitation.
