That’s great
This is what you consider a discussion?
I see no real problems with how Foxy handled this. As many have observed, it can be an awkward dance, and can differ for various aquaintances.
It gets a lot easier when you can give the cash to your kid, and tell the host that your daughter would like to spring for lunch. But I agree, 8 might be a little young to trust her to handle that.
The first time we take a kid out - for meals, to a movie, etc., we have no objection to paying for everything. Heck, we expect to. But there have been a kid or 2 whom, over time, we sorta felt like there was no reciprocation at all. We don’t expect a precise quid pro quo, but it you take a kid to 3 movies, and you kid hasn’t been invited to their house for a single meal, well, I think that situation may need re-examination.
Another wrinkle is when your kid’s friend’s family is wealthier than yours, and spends money more freely on some things. If they take your kid out to a fancy restaurant, you aren’t required to take their kid to an equally fancy restaurant, but you sure as heck had better send a Happy Meal or 2 their way!
I feel it is best when there is simply a general feeling that each family is extending hospitality to participate in activities their family enjoys. If one family likes to watch videos at home, and the other attends opera - that can be all good. The important thing is the exchange of hospitality.
Like I said, in the situation as described, I think Foxy handled it well. And I’d be pissed at my unemployed spouse if they dropped the ball on such a simple thing.
Back when my kids were of that age I always intended any treat I offered to be all inclusive, the other parents weren’t expected to cover any costs. All my friends were the same way. I recall one day with a friend at the races - we often took our kids so our wives could have a day out. The racetrack had a kiddy carnival that our son’s loved. At the end of the day we had no idea who had spent what on the kids for rides, food etc but assiduously settled up the few dollars difference in our betting accounts.
When my son was a little older and more often out with people I didn’t know so well, I would give him money with instructions to offer to pay for something so that he felt “big”. I would forewarn the other parents and when they insisted it wasn’t necessary I would tell them it was for Ben that I was doing it. So at the movies he may offer to pay for the popcorn and either do so or pool the money with his hostsat the concession.
Yes. It would have been a further discussion if he had expressed an opinion that he didn’t feel giving them his last ten was necessary. When he handed it over and said okay and will do, that was an agreement and exchange if not an actual in depth discussion.
Is that what annoys you the most about this whole thing? That he said he’d do something and he didn’t?
Or is the concern more about how you and your family appear to the other people?
Actually, for the sake of accuracy, it was two twenties I had on me since the total I ended up giving the mom was fifty dollars.
Yeah. Foxy’s posts always leave me feeling sorry for her husband. Personally, the best way to make sure I ‘forget’ something is to snap, “Don’t forget anything!” at me.
Look, this thing with reimbursing money for kid’s trips is a bit of an etiquette dance – with one set of parent’s offering money, then the other set refusing… Not everyone wants to join in this little minuet.
Me, since it was a ‘new’ family, I would have offered money – my kids had some families who liked to treat (and we reciprocated in our turn), and others who usually operated Dutch Treat. But Foxy’s husband wasn’t head-explodingly rude not to do this. If I sent my husband to drop our kids off for an outing and he came back without giving the other parents any money, I would assume that he got the vibe during their conversation (which lasted a 1/2 hour, remember) that it wasn’t necessary. And, given their response when Foxy tired to give them the envelope, it’s pretty clear that he was correct – they did want to treat.
So, I’d say that although Foxy’s husband was minorly rude in failing to participate in the exchanging-money-etiquette-charade; his basic instinct (that they wished to treat) was correct.
Foxy was also rude in pushing money on the people after they had refused it. This is similar to check-grabbing and it really is obnoxious. My husband would have been quite upset had she done this to us.
I’m with Cheesesteak on this one.
Although you’re probably right that ideally he should have offered the money, it was not at all uncommon when I was younger to have the friend’s parents treat, with no expectation of recompense. My parents did it for my friends as well- especially for some that didn’t have as much as we did, and wouldn’t have otherwise been able to go. I wouldn’t have expected them to ask the husband for money.
On the other hand, he’s a grown man, able to make his own decisions. Foxy40 needs to quit micromanaging him and let him make his own decisions without second-guessing them. By all means discuss the decisions and come to some kind of consensus on how to behave in the future, but she’s not the ruler, and nor is he, so that’s how the decisions should be reached, not one person dictating to the other and being upset when she’s not obeyed.
I realize that she was probably embarrassed, but I’m sure her husband had his reasons as well- there’s no proof in the thread that she asked for them to be explained or that she gave them any worth whatsoever.
It sounds very much to me like he didn’t do what she said, and she’s pissed as a result.
My wife and I don’t order each other around in our marriage and either of us who tried would be put in his/her place fast! We definitely do register our displeasure and reasoning behind why we don’t like decisions that one or the other have made, but while still recognizing the authority of either of us to act on behalf of both of us.
I haven’t read most of the replies, but I’m going to stick my two cents in since I’m running late for class.
It seems like you’re a bit of an OCD control freak in your home, Foxy40. I’m not saying that as a personal insult, but you yourself admitted that you micromanage everything. I don’t know if your or your husband were right, but it seems to me that your husband disagreed with your decision to give the $50, but didn’t tell you because he knew you’d explode and he didn’t feel like having an argument.
Just a thought.
Honestly, it was because I was embarrassed. I think he made the family look bad to this new family of friends. I wanted us to get off on the right foot and expecting the family to pay for a day at Disney including all meals and snacks on top of their hospitality of having her overnight for a sleepover and breakfast the next morning appeared rude. (And still does although I understand other people’s opinions on the matter.)
Maybe it is a “dance” but it is dance that civilized people do. The invitation was for a sleepover and admission to Disney. It was not for all meals and snacks and I was not going to assume it was.
Could be true. Could be that he made up the excuse of thinking it isn’t the right thing to do simply because he forgot or wanted to keep the money. The dynamics of my crap marriage aside, I am interested in the appropriate etiquette in these type of situations. I guess I would assume I would be treating if the invitation went the other way. However, I would be annoyed if I wasn’t at least offered a few dollars and had the opportunity to decline it or to inquire if the child could use it for a toy or mickey ears or something.
Recently I took siblings to a county fair. I paid for the wrist band, meals, snacks and games. The parents didn’t offer but that was okay. The month before they had taken my daughter to a movie and pizza. I think the embarrassment was because these were new friends in our circle and didn’t want to start out making the wrong impression.
:o Oh crap, that’s us. Thanks to this thread, I may have to host a sleepover or something next week.
I haven’t kept up with Foxy’s history, but based on this one thread, I’d have done and felt the same things she has.
Quoted for truth. Add to that that one of the partners runs off and complains about it behind her husband’s back. And yes, posting it to a public messageboard that her husband is not aware of it going behind his back and airing your dirty laundry in public.
Regards,
Shodan
She seemed to be just perception checking to me.
Here are my two cents (mostly agreeing with others):
Foxy, I don’t think you should be embarrassed at all. Yes, it was right to engage in the “take the money” game, but I think it’s equally expected unless otherwise explicitly stated that they would take care of the rest of the expenses. I doubt these people even noticed - they may have been a little surprised that your husband didn’t offer, but they probably didn’t think anything else about it.
Additionally, while I can understand you making a list if you’re usually the person who does those types of things (packing, preparing your child for school, etc.), flying off the handle when your husband forgets one little thing is excessive. If your husband is unemployed, he already probably feels pretty bad about himself - implying that he’s a moron by freaking out over his forgetting something isn’t going to improve his self-esteem or get him a job. It’ll probably just make him feel stupid and worthless or just plain pissed off. Plus, you’re supposed to be partners in this racket. He doesn’t work for you and made a simple human error. Going into a blind rage over it just isn’t worth it.
Remember, you can’t change other people - just your reactions to what other people do.
Ths more I think about this the more it’s bothering me. I don’t want to step on ths thread because it seems to have several thrusts, so if you can would the participants chime in here
I wouldn’t worry about your image with the new neighbors. The people I think the most highly of are warm and friendly. Who pays when taking a daughter’s friend to an amusement park is minor.
So relax.
I really think the bigger issue is your “crappy marriage”. Being proven right in this particular circumstance isn’t going to help with that.
Thanks and you are right.
I agree 100% with Southern Yankee.
I agree. It wasn’t an oversight, it was passive-aggressive behavior. She even asked him to insist if they said no. It was the OP’s money, she entrusted it with her husband, and he deliberately went against her wishes. When she asked him about it, he didn’t even have the courtesy to come up with a well-thought-out reason, he just spouted some ridiculous naive bullshit in an attempt to take the blame off of himself. Seeing as how they are married, you would think he knew her well enough to know that he was going to piss her off. They live together, they have a kid together that is old enough to go on outings to amusement parks. It’s safe to assume he knew it was going to upset her and he did it anyway. It sounds like he may have not even told her what he did if she didn’t ask. I would have flipped shit in this situation. It’s shady, shady behavior.