The husband was right. An invited guest owes the host nothing. There’s nothing wrong with offering, but there’s also nothing wrong witrh NOT offering and Foxy should have let it go rather than embarrassing her family by going back like that. She sounds like a control freak to me. I also agree with those who are suggesting that her overreaction probably has more to do with her marriage in general than it does with thsi one really trivial point of disagreement.
Eh. She was invited to go with a free ticket to the park. There’s enough disagreement among people here to say that not everyone thinks this is an all inclusive invite. Like someone else said, if I give you an extra ticket to Europe… I don’t owe you a free hotel & meals. An offer to pay would be good manners at the very least.
Also, embarrassing her family? Seriously? for saying this:
If that is something that would embarrass your family, I can’t imagine the eggshells one must walk on to get along in your house.
It amazes me that so many people have psychic abilities in this thread. Everyone seems to know a lot about Foxy and her marriage from this very limited information regarding ONE situation in their lives. Methinks a lot of people are bringing their own baggage into this thread and dumping it here.
A control freak for saying (basically) “here’s where to take our daughter so she can go on a trip. Pack this stuff and take it with you and give it to the mother along with this money” ?? That’s a control freak?
A lot of people are taking this stuff to West Hell and it isn’t the OP.
The offering of money isn’t nescessary, but it can’t hurt. As such I don’t think your husband’s view of the matter was nescessarily wrong, though it was a little strange. When you drop off your kid and her stuff isn’t the time people ask for money (unless they’re recently impoverished and even then), when they ask it’s usually going to be “oh and by the way, bring 50 dollars for miscellanious park expenses” during the invitation. But it’s still kind to offer it when they’re at the age and maturity level they can’t be trusted with money (otherwise you just give it to the kid and then the parents insist they pay anyway). But though it’s kind you overreacted, your husband made a minor social faux pas if the other parents even cared, so the whole rigamarol where you drove over there was unnescessary (except for the toothbrush thing). The only real problem was the fact that this seemed to be explicitly stated as something for your husband to do when he dropped her off but he just had different, yet still reasonable expectations.
Making a special trip back would be embarrassing to me. No one has to walk on eggshells in my family, though. My wife wouldn’t care if I was embarrassed.
She herself said that she was a “micro-manager.” who gives her husband precise lists and instructions. That sounds pretty controlling to me. She also said that her marriage was “rocky.” I’m just taking her at her word, not trying to be psychic.
And like I said, a daytrip to a theme park is not equitable to a European vacation.
I have only accepted cash once, and that was part of the deal. Two sets of my freinds were moving and they had 4 boys between them. Other families helping move had kids too. So, I had a Memberhip at Happy Hollw Park & Zoo, and offered to take all the kids (7 of them including one baby and one tween to handle the baby) there, as long as the 'rent paid for “incidentals”. I had snacks and juice boxes.
Gettting 7 kids out of the way of the BIG MOVE was a huge benefit to all, and the kids had fun, too.
But later I offered to take the 4 of the older kids to the Monterey Bay Aquarium, since again, I was a member, and I didn’t expect or ask for any cash. Some was waved my way, and I gave them a little “look”. I sprang for gas, snacks and a small souvenier each.
Note I had no kids of my own at the time. So there was no chance of “taking turns”. It wasn’t like “next time, *you *take my kids and *you *pay.” being an unstated part of the deal.
But “the dance” can be annoying, as well as “a nice gesture”. Making the gesture is neither wrong nor right. If it makes *you *feel better- make the gesture. If it makes you feel awkard- don’t. It’s as simple as that.
Oh YOU said so? Well shit, that clinches it.
/sarcasm
Awfully snarky today, aren’t we?
nevermind
The husband never objected to the plan when **Foxy **first proposed it. He purposely ignored her for god knows what reason. What kind of mope is this that doesn’t even argue with his wife, but resorts to making up some lame excuse when he wants to make a decision.
Micromanaged or not, the decent thing to do is to object to the decision, not ignore **Foxy **altogether.
The decision to pay comes down to a personal philosophy. An offer to pay would make Foxy a more generous person than is necessary. Maybe that is the kind of person Foxy wants to be. If her husband doesn’t like this idea, then he should have discussed it with Foxy. His going behind Foxy’s back to withhold the money was wrong, and a little bit pathetic IMHO.
Some people think this is a minor issue, but for some people it isn’t. Sometimes it is vital for a person’s sense of identity that they be a generous person. I know it is vital to me and I personally hate it when people undercut my generosity. Something that upsets me quite often is when my brother under tips the delivery guy when we order. He literally takes away the money I put in for tip and gives it back to me saying I shouldn’t give so much.
I like being generous. I will always assume I’m paying if I’m watching a little kid. I will always offer to pay if one day I have a kid and he is being watched by someone else. I probably inherited this attitude from my parents who would always offer to pay anyone who wanted to take me out somewhere. They would also reject money from the parents of other kids who they took out somewhere.
I usually don’t reject money, however, because I suck at doing it.
I’m with Foxy on this one.
The kind of mope who is in a “rocky” marriage, unemployed, and who is not even considered competent enough by his wife (who is the family’s only source of income) to pack an overnight bag for his child without detailed instructions. The kind of mope who is part of a “discussion” on the sleepover that is about as one sided as a parent giving instructions to the 14 year old babysitter.
Note from Foxy’s response
In her mind, further discussion would not have been about insisting on giving money, it would have been about his $10 contribution. Even though a number of people have said that giving money was optional, she’s not even considering that he could have argued that point, or that she would have discussed the idea of giving money. It had been decided. How do you think this argument would have gone?
The decent thing to do is to treat your husband like a capable adult partner, instead of a pathetic loser who can’t be trusted to wipe his own ass. She’s treating him like a child, and he’s living down to those expectations.
Hmm- I thought he showed those attributes. Maybe there is a reason for Foxy having to detail everything?
A marriage wherein who brings home the bacon is a source of tension is in BIG trouble.
Now then:
As a teenager, I often went places with my friends family. In most instances, they covered everything. This is good, as my parents wouldn’t have paid for anything, thus I would not have gone.
As an adult, when I offer to take one of my kids somewhere with us (hasn’t happened yet, but I know it’s coming) I will assume that I will be paying all expenses, and make efforts to insure child and friend get the same treatment.
In the event a child brings money, fine. They can buy extra’s if they want. But I will still be expecting to cover meals, etc.
If the parents attempt to pay, I will make a sincere and real effort to make sure they know it’s not necessary. If they insist, I will accept it. Only if they insist.
I would expect the same rules to apply in the reverse, and would make plans to insure my child either has money, or I am able to make an honest offer to recompense the other adults.
Reverse the genders – have a man writing precise, patronizing instructions for how his wife should handle simple tasks like packing an overnight bag for their kid – and every woman here would be calling him controlling asshole.
I think that’s because many of us have husbands. I understand you’re a paragon of parenthood, but my own husband specifically requests that I pack the diaper bag for a day trip, or leave him a detailed written list of what to put in it, because despite 3 years of this, he still sucks at remembering what to put in it. An overnight trip? No way I’m getting out of packing that one! He both needs and wants to be “micromanaged”, and when he’s not and he forgets something, I’m the one to blame!
He agreed to do it to her face, and then passive-aggressively refused to do it behind her back. I’d call out a wife who did the same thing.
I remember past posts of Foxy’s as well. This guy can’t seem to manage to wipe his own ass without instructions, let alone support himself or his family. I’m sure he loves his daughter dearly, but that won’t help her when she’s at her friend’s house with a bag lacking undies and a toothbrush.
I don’t recall the OP saying her husband requested a bunch of anal instructions on how to do somthing as trivial as pack an overnight bag for a sleepover. I am also positive that a man leaving written instructions for a woman for something like that would result in indignation on this board.
Your own husband just sounds lazy – like he’s playing dumb to avoid tasks he doesn’t want to do. I know because I do the same thing myself sometimes. At least I try to. My wife doesn’t buy it. It’s not believable that a guy wouldn’t know what to put in a diaper bag after three years. What is there to remember? It’s diapers and wipes. I’d never get away with that.
The OP doesn’t mention how old the daughter is so I’m guessing in the 5 - 10 year old range. Packing for that age is a lot different than packing for a 2 or 3 year old. Even if you forget the kid’s toothbrush or underwear, they’re still going to be OK. Not so if you forget to put the wipes in the diaper bag.
…and a bib and a sippy cup and a spoon and a fork and Mr. Snuggles and a pair of pajamas if it’s going to be late so we can change her there and not wake her after the drive and a change of clothes and the sweater in case it gets cold and a pack of Goldfish and her toy phone - no, wait, sorry, the toy phone was last week, this week it’s the Mardi Gras beads. 
I think he “yes dear”-ed her to her face, but later saw no reason to offer the money when it wasn’t asked for. I don’t see it as passive-aggressive, I see it as a an adult making a decision like an adult. I doubt it was a conscious decision to annoy his wife, just a (clearly foolish) assumption that he actually had a right to make a decision on his own or even (heaven forbid) go off his wife’s script without her explicit, written permission.
Change this to a man talking about his wife and how does it sound.
I’m pretty sure he could manage to figure out what to put in an overnight bag on his own. And even if he were to hypoythetically forget something, so effing what? The kid can go a night without brushing her teeth.
Bottom line, what he did was no big deal. She overreacted. I also don’t believe anyone would take kindly to a woman being demeaned the way this guy is. And don’t forget, you’re only getting one side of this whole marriage.