When you have different amounts of "disposable income" - what's the right way to handle it

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

So I’m dating this man for quite a while. We are technically free to date other people, but we really don’t. We have no plans to marry or move in together - he is very gun-shy about getting too serious so soon after his separation/divorce (only about a year), and frankly I kind of like being on my own too.

If we go out, he pays for everything; if we go out with another couple, he splits the check with the other couple (paying for me and him). But we spend much more time at my house than his, sleepovers are 90% at my house/10% at his, and he doesnt’ really cook, but I do, so I am frequently providing/cooking meals when he is over.

He is not wealthy, and is still paying for one child’s college plus some money to his ex; but he has more disposable income than I do. He can afford “extras” like vacations and fishing equipment. He knows I live from paycheck to paycheck and struggle to pay my basic bills, and sometimes I have to decide between paying the electric bill and buying groceries. An unexpected bill or car repair throws my entire budget for a loop. So we are on different financial levels.

But he has never offered to help me at all. I’m not really talking about paying my bills, I’m thinking more like bringing a bag of groceries, filling my gas tank, little things like that, which would ease some of the burden I carry. A little help here and there would not only reduce the stress of living hand to mouth, but it just seems that a man who truly cares about me would WANT to provide for me, even if only in small ways.

I mentioned all of the above to him once, asking why he had never offered to help, and he said “It never occurred to me.” So I suggested that it would be nice if he occasionally brought me a gift card to the grocery store or Target, since he was eating my food, using my shampoo, sleeping in my bed, etc. That was about a month ago, and nothng has changed.

I know he’s not OBLIGATED to do anything; we’re not married. But, I can’t help but feel that if the situation were reversed, I’d be pitching in to help him. I’m getting to the point where I’m tempted to tell him he can’t come over any more as I’m tired of being the hostess, and we can just stay at his house, but I don’t want to be chldish about it. My house is much more comfortable and convenient, so I’d be punishing myself in a way.

Am I asking too much? Is the fact that it never occurred to him to help mean he is just selfishly obtuse,;or is he lying, and he is just unwilling to help, and taking advantage of me? Is it unfair of me to expect him to help? I"m curious if other men would do the same in this situation, and I need to cut this guy loose.

2

I don’t think he’s taking advantage of you; I think he’s just perfectly comfortable with your current arrangement. This is pretty tricky; on the one hand, feeding two instead of one, and utilities for two instead of one is a big deal on your income, but he does pay for all your entertainment out, so he’s not a deadbeat boyfriend. Would he be amenable to eating out more so it costs you less?

For what it’s worth, I never expected my boyfriend to help me out with household bills when we had two separate households. We did split the sleepovers more evenly, though, and he did pay for most outings, too.

3

I think that’s expecting too much of a man you aren’t living with or married to. Just…no. I don’t think it would be right.

4

Sounds “kept” if he starts paying for groceries and shampoo.

If you can’t afford to feed him, speak up about that. Let him know that more sleepovers need to be at his house. Or have him over less often and just go solo more often.

But I think your expectations that he buy groceries are out of whack with the casual nature of the situation.

5

I have to agree that I wouldn’t buy anything like that in this stage either. I think if you two were dating exclusively, it might be different. I would just be honest and say “we can eat at my place tonight but I have virtually no food.” Maybe then he will decide to buy you a bag of groceries if he wants to eat at home, or take you out. I don’t think this really solves your problem in the long term though.

It’s funny you mention this, because as I was driving to work today (ugh, saturday, I know) and there was a radio show on surveying listeners on who pays the bills when dating.

Back on point though, if he’s hesitant to become serious, maybe this is one of the ways he keeps his boundaries. If he starts buying groceries or helping you out with small things like this, he might feel it is becoming more serious than he wants it to be. FTR, IANA therapist, psychiatrist, doctor, lawyer, important person.

6

If I were you, the next time that he wants to do something over at your house I’d say something like “I enjoy cooking dinner for you but you know how tight the money situation is for me and I can’t really afford to buy groceries for both of us. If you want to have dinner over at your place I wouldn’t mind doing the cooking” or something along those lines.

7

I think you may be on to something with this. We’ve both said the “L” word, and it is a “serious” relationship; but he says that he went from his parents’ house to being married for over 20 years, and he wants to stay single and has no plans to remarry - but he understands that this may mean that I eventually meet someone who DOES want to get married. I don’t want to be the “rebound” relationship, so I am trying to give him some room since the divorce is rather recent. But as a result, although we are crazy about each other, there is some amount of “standoffishness” in both of us.

I just read Steve Harvey’s book “Think Like a Man, Act Like a Lady”, in which he says that a man who is truly devoted to a woman will do three things: Profess, Provide, Protect. That is, he will make it clear that this woman is the one, and do things that show he wants to take care of her and protect her. (Harvey then suggests that women allow men to do these things for them, so that men will feel needed and appreciated). I guess I feel that if Mr. Divine loves me like he says he does, he would show that he is more protective of me. Instead, I feel like he is just standing there nonchalantly watching me struggle, then goes out and buys himself another fishing reel.

Making him have me over to his house doesn’t help much, then I’m spending my gas and time to drive there and back (my place is much more convenient to where we both work). Do I wait it out and see if it eventually turns serious before I end up on food stamps? I feel so petty for thinking this way, but I feel as though he’s taking advantage of me, but maybe I’m wrong and just expecting too much.

8

How often do you see each other? How often per week do you stay together? How often per week do you go out together?

9

Let’s be clear about something: Would you be better or worse off without this relationship, financially speaking?

Is he costing you money (by eating your food, using your shampoo. etc.)? If so, I think it’s fair for you to say, “Hey, I don’t think I can afford to keep feeding you (or whatever you spend money on him for) unless you help out some.”

But if not, I think expecting that he, for example, fill your gas tank is at least… problematic. You run the risk of looking like you’re jealous of his income, or that you’re looking to take advantage of him or get payment for “services rendered,” or that you aren’t grown-up enough and smart enough to care of yourself and you need a sugar daddy.

10

I think you shouldn’t look for gift cards or a provider. Especially if he is still winding down from a divorce and providing for the ex and a child, I’m guessing it would look more scary and premature than anything else from his point of view.

Is it fair to say that eating at your house is the major extra expense for you? I mean, shampoo doesn’t cost much.

It DOES seem fair and even expected, I think, if you lean harder on the point of him taking you out to eat, or maybe going out food shopping together (especially if you buy strawberries to pop into each other’s mouths, as opposed to Windex and naproxen) and somehow it naturally tends to happen that he pays.

11

No, this is wrong–either “leaning harder” or trying to slyly engineer situations which will him to pull out his wallet. What mostly kills relationships? Pressure or dishonesty.

His money is his money. It certainly sounds like he’s spending a fair chunk of it on you, taking you out often and always picking up the check. But regardless, how he spends his money is up to him.

And how you spend yours is up to you. Stop inviting him over more than you can afford, while of course making it clear that you’re delighted to see him other ways. If he wants to, he’ll make the invitations.

12

I’m really not sure where you’re getting a “taken advantage of” feeling from - he contributes a lot in a normal boyfriend way. For him to do more for you, you really need to move your relationship to the next level. If you aren’t making enough money, you need to cut your expenses or increase your income, not get money from Mr. Divine. While you say you’re happy with your level of commitment to each other, it sounds more like you would actually like to have a live-in boyfriend and pool your resources. I also think if you had a little more of your own money, this wouldn’t even be an issue between the two of you, so that tells me it isn’t something he’s doing.

13

I think your thread title is very telling. I was expecting the “I’d rather go to a hole in the wall restaurant and clip coupons while he likes to go to hoity toity places”. Not “he should pay for more stuff to make my life easier”.

Re-read what Thudlow Boink said. Are you better off or worse off? Sounds to me like you’re better off - you wouldn’t be going out to as many meals out, would you? Or to as nice of places? Sounds like you’re getting a good deal as is, and we’re only hearing your side of the story.

I think you want him to financially provide for you as a way of moving your relationship into more serious territory than it currently is. I also think it’s strikingly old fashioned to expect a man to “provide” for you. As a pretty broke college student, even I and my roommates could afford to provide friends with sandwich bread, lunchmeat, and a hot shower with a clean towel.

14

Totally irrelevant, I know, but whenever I read a thread like this, I wonder… What would he/she think if they stumbled across it?

Sorry I’m done.

On Topic: I realize the frustration it causes, I’ve been in a similiar situation. Honestly though, demanding that he buys grocieries will probably just wierd him out/scare him off… I dont know what it would do, but you probably shouldnt.

15

I don’t think he can legitimately provide for you without you two being more serious. A guy does not move into provider mode if it isn’t a serious relationship–like I said, living together or married. I don’t think it’s appropriate for a man to provide for a woman he’s only dating.

16

I think there is a big difference between him contributing toward groceries for shared dinners, and him “providing”/easing your financial worries. The first is social reciprocation, and he is reciprocating at least partially by picking up restaurant checks and other date-night stuff. If you don’t feel that’s enough then you can cut back on the dinner invites, or just directly ask him if he can pick up some pork chops on the way over for that night’s dinner.

But the “Providing” part … I dunno, I wouldn’t expect that from a boyfriend unless we were talking about marriage, especially a guy with other financial responsibilities like a kid in college. Is that at odds with him saying that he loves me? I don’t think so, love and falling in love are what happens when you’re on your way to sharing a life. If he’s made it clear that he’s not doing the full commitment anytime soon, then yeah I’d take that to mean that he’s not going to take on my day-to-day problems as his own. I’d assume he’d be there if I were in the hospital, but as a regular routine there would be days he’d go off fishing by himself while I clipped coupons.

17

I don’t know, this seems rather old fashioned to me. I haven’t read that book, but the extended title worries me: What Men Really Think About Love, Relationships, Intimacy, and Commitment.

  • As if all men think in the same way. Really.

You say in your OP that he doesn’t want to get into a serious relationship, but it sounds like you do. Well, are you willing to wait until he is? You can’t expect anything of him until then.

Just be honest. If it’s really a huge financial burden to have him over at your house, then explain that. If he doesn’t respect that, then you know what to do.

18

You are entitled to ask for anything you want out of a relationship and if you can’t it isn’t much of a relationship. If getting a contribution toward what he costs you will stop you wasting energy worrying about it, just say so. If he doesn’t like it you know where you stand. Telling us about it won’t help you solve the problem.

I should add that I don’t think he will like it. I would hope that under the same circumstances I’d be turning up at your place with far MORE stuff than needed to look after me and it would never be mentioned. I know I have done it in the past.

19

It just sounds to me as though the OP is jealous of his disposable income and that she wants to be a kept woman.

She either needs to have a very honest conversation with him, or suggest to him that they spend most of the nights at his place and not hers.
“I mentioned all of the above to him once, asking why he had never offered to help, and he said “It never occurred to me.” So I suggested that it would be nice if he occasionally brought me a gift card to the grocery store or Target, since he was eating my food, using my shampoo, sleeping in my bed, etc. That was about a month ago, and nothng has changed.”

He probably works hard for his money, and it sounds as if he might resent a woman that does not have the few extra dollars for a bottle of shampoo and eggs for breakfast.

20

On rereading, I’m troubled by the OP title. I thought the context would be within marriage.

Do friends with different incomes need a “right way to handle it”?

Now much of this reads as though it’s trying to apply within-marriage standards to a relationship that isn’t marriage.

Still, the one thing that does sound like it should be changed is the habit of more heavily burdening the household with less money. Fixing this doesn’t require approximating marriage. Just imagine if the Bridge Club kept meeting at the house of its member of most slender purse.